People who go to the same schools as their boyfriends or girlfriends don't know how well they have it. They don't realise that they'd probably go insane if they couldn't see them at lunch, or if they couldn't hang out for a while before or after classes.
It's only when you start seeing someone who goes to a different school do you finally realise how good you had it before. Not with the specific person, just with where they were.
I hate how I can't just walk down the hall and see Grant. I hate how every time I want to see him, or talk to him, he's not always there. I hate how we have to plan days ahead of time just to spend a couple hours together after school or on a weekend. I hate how much I miss him, even though we've technically only been together for a week.
I wouldn't be so hurt and upset by this if I didn't [i]really[/i] like him... So obviously it's not going to make me break up with him. No, far from it. I've fallen quite hard for him, just like I knew I would.
Before, happiness was just something I didn't grasp. Maybe I held it for a day or two, but it would slip away from my grip during the night. Even before I met Grant I was doing a lot better. Everyone around me could see it, even if they hardly knew me. This is awkward to say, but overall, I've been happier this month than I have been all together over the past 6 years.
Tonight is a fluke I knew would happen, it happens to everyone who doesn't see their boyfriend / girlfriend when they want to. It's normal, not me slipping back. No, I can't now. I've made it too far to slip back. I won't let myself - I'm stronger than that now.
I believe I've finally let go of my depression. Not entirely, no, because I'll always be quick to react (whether it be good or bad depends on the situation). I'll never get rid of my bi-polar disorder - and I don't want to, to be quite honest. It's a part of me now. It's who I am. I can't just change the chemicals in my brain because I feel like it. But, what I do believe I'm letting go of, though, is the cloud that seemed to constantly hang above my head.
That cloud never really went very far when I was with Steven. But hey, what can you expect? He was having his body slowly killed by chemotherapy or radiation during our entire relationship. That did [i]wonders[/i] for my mental stability. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming him - I'm just saying the situation [i]I put myself in[/i] didn't help. And, even though he tried his hardest to help me, he just couldn't. So, he had to let me go so I could help myself. I think it was one of the best things someone had ever done for me, even if I didn't think so at the time.
Thank you, Steven.
That part of my life is over, and I've moved on. I don't think it's possible for me to be any [i]happier[/i], because I've never been [i]this happy[/i]. Even though I'm upset now, I know that when I see Grant on Thursday it'll be worth the wait.
I always said I needed a reason to wake up in the morning.
...Enough of the sappy shit! I'm [i]done[/i]!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.03.04 (9:40 pm)
I'd rate that about a 4.42 on the sappy scale. You could be a lot worse. ;)
posted by: jadeybaby (reply)
post date: 05.06.04 (4:23 pm)
That was definitely soooo cute. Grant rocks the casbah for making you so happy. I heart fedora!
About Me:
Name: Sarah
DOB: Dec.01,'87 (16)
Location: Ottawa, ON
Likes: music, The Simpsons, That 70's Show, Stephen King, Tim Burton, horror movies, comedy, playing video / computer games, Monty Python, mexican food, iced tea, drawing, shopping, hanging out, swimming (alone), photography, acting, driving, and my friends and family ^^
Dislikes: assholes, whores, rap, musicals, when things break, liars, people who judge others before they get to know them, killing animals for food, working too hard... (thats all I can think of right now)
