I didn't go to school today, half because I was sick, and half because I just didn't feel like going anywhere. As some of you may know, I've been in an absolute horrible mood lately. I feel like I need to isolate myself from people or I'll eat them alive. Well, I can control myself if they don't do anything to piss me off, but there's always the chance that they'll accidentally do something, and I'll explode.
Like last night, on MSN... Dan always comes on and asks me to get Steph online, or to get her to call him, or w/e. I hate doing this, because it makes me feel: 1) Like I'm not good enough to talk to, that he'd rather talk to my little sister; and 2) Like her little secritary taking messages for her when she's busy. If she's not online, she's obviously got other things to do. I spent about 20 minutes yelling at him about how much I hated when he did that and that if he wanted to talk to her so desperately, [i]he[/i] should call [i]her[/i]! Aw, bloody hell, I'm getting pissed at him again... Change of subject!
I've been coughing all day, and my throat hurts a lot. Everything I drink / eat tastes odd and really nasty. Great, [i]another[/i] way to put me off of food... [i]Just [/i]what I need!
My mountain of projects is getting out of hand. I had 6 at the beginning of the March break, I've completed 2, didn't bother to do 1, and have 3 more to go. I finished my project on Cleopatra and Antony, as well as my fake journal entry as a Roman converting to Christianity (ironic, no?). Both of those were in Ancient Civs. The one I didn't do was also for Ancient Civs; we had to answer questions from the text book, but since he assigned the project to all of his classes, I never got a hold of a text book and [i]couldn't[/i] do it! Fucking idiot...
Now, all 3 projects I have left are due this fucking week (the others were [i]also[/i] all due this week!!!). One of them was for, you guessed it, ANCIENT CIVS!!! (I swear, I'm going to kick Mr.VanDusen in the balls when I get back to school!) He decided that this week would be the PERFECT time to assign me to do my ISU project... *urge to kill... RISING!!!* It's supposed to be on Stonehenge, and it's due tomorrow, and I haven't even started! I've been working on all my other assignments! Anyways, chances are, I won't even be at school because I'm sick. I wonder how he'll take that...? The other project, which I actually did most of (just never finished making it look fancy - it's a power-point project), was for Photography on Diane Arbus. I still need to present it, but, like I mentioned, I'M SICK!!! I'm starting to really hate myself... And the other 2 projects are in Careers; one's a bristol board presentation Staci and I have to do in front of the class (Steven warned me that we're presenting on Friday - OH BOY!!!), and the other one is a brochure we have to do on two programs from the University that we did on the [i]other[/i] project.
I am so stressed out, you have no idea. All I'm trying to do is be a good student, but they keep on piling up the work - how do they expect me to keep up??? These aren't small projects, either! I swear, I'm going to fucking fail everything.
:cry: Why am I such a failure?
I need my angry music.
I'm going to take a long shower to just relax and try to order my thoughts. Wow, I haven't even talked about what's [i]really[/i] bothering me. Well, you've all heard it a thousand times, so I won't bother repeating myself. You're all probably tired of hearing about it, anyways.
...I need to take a vacation, and never come back. Y'know, if I had money, I'd have already bought a one-way ticket for the next bus to PEI. Being gone is better than dead, right? Well, to [i]you[/i] maybe. Running away would be a comprimise, I guess. At least you'd know I was still alive.
I only went to one class today, and that was homeroom. I wouldn't have gone to that, if I didn't have to hand in a project I was working on the night before. The only class I [i]expected[/i] to skip was Parenting, because during that was an Insight preformance that was only being shown to the gr.9's and 10's and my friends and I wanted to see it. Shit, I felt sick all through that class, but it kind of faded (not really) during the next.
Okay - Chris, Geoff, Becky - your show was amazing! You did great! "...That's why I have 17 children, 3 STI's and a burning sensation when I pee!" XD best line [i]EVER[/i]! The show went into my math class a little, so I was just like "well, okay, so I won't go to math, but I will the rest of my classes!". After it was over I signed up for Insight auditions. Omg, imagine me, Sarah, a drama kid??? Hahaha! I've been easing into it for a while now, but if you compare the grade 9 Sarah to the grade 11 Sarah I am now... You'd be amazed.
I spent half of the period on the stage with whoever would talk to me (nearly everyone was there just hanging out), then half of the people dissapeared, so the rest of us sat on this ramp. It was me, Andrew, Jade, Mandy, Geoff, Chris, Jen, Gavin and Mal. Mandy was playing "nervous yet?" with nearly everyone / they were playing it with her. Geoff decided to play with Andrew and he took his head and shoved it on his dick and was like "NERVOUS YET???" aw man, funny shit! Part way through Mal, through laughter, was like "This group of people is the greatest! We need an arial shot taken of us!" And we really did, that was too much fun for my own good!
Lunch finally came by and Gavin treated everyone to Pizza Pizza (we had also magically found everyone else who was missing before). I wasn't hungry, mainly because I knew eating would make my little sickness worse. Jade, Mal and I sat at one table off from everyone else and just talked about things that we needed to let out, I guess. I won't actually write about what was said, because I don't know if they want me to or not, so I'll just play it safe.
The massive group divided into two, and half went to Zellers, and the other half went back to school. As soon as I walked out of the Pizza Pizza, my brain just kind of snapped. I was happy before, but as soon as I stepped out I was incredibly depressed and I couldn't explain why. We went to the basement and I just lay down on the floor with my hoodie covering my eyes so my friends wouldn't see me crying. Every once in a while someone would come over to ask how I was or to hug me, but other than that they really didn't seem to notice I was there. (This is what I did during Photography)
It was actually while I was laying on the floor that I notice something... I'm starting to get really, really thin. Too thin. It's because I don't eat anymore. A part of me likes being this thin, but the other part knows that it's not right. I'm not saying I'm skinny, I'm just a lot thinner than I usually am. I mean, take today for example; whenever I ate, I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. I nearly did, actually. It's because I ate too much for my stomach to handle - I stopped after that, and I felt fine. I feel sick unless I starve myself, only I'm not hungry so it isn't like I'm starving... It's very confusing. Enough about that.
Colin and Chris decided they were going to go to the knife store in the mall for the next class (Biology), and I decided to go with, for the lack of anything better to do. Steven, Mandy and Jade all decided to tag along as well. It was the first time I had been in that store since it got there (I don't remember how long ago). I pretended to look at the swords on the walls, but I was really just staring off into space, trying to order my thoughts, trying to figure out why the hell I was so upset. Jade and Mandy popped over and raped my ass in hopes of cheering me up, and Chris later came over and gave me a hug and told me he would be there for me if I needed to talk.
I started to think of all my friends, and how much they would miss me if I were gone... And I started to cry. I know they all care and love me, but I can't help but feel like there is no reason I'm here. As soon as things start to look up for me, I always fall back. I'm getting sick and tired of this fucking rollercoaster - it's not worth it. The ups I have do not even [i]equal[/i] the downs. I hate it how my brain takes a while of building up to be happy, but when it finally does it only takes one second to end up exactly where I started. It's really just not worth it to me anymore. I want it all to stop now.
During the last class of the day, when Steven and I would have Careers, we spent it in the caf, and I watched Chris and Colin play Crazy 8's Countdown. I was so bored... School ended and I somehow ended up in the basement again. I was about to leave to start walking home, but then Steven was just like "Can't you at least wait for the bus with me so I don't have to be alone?" and I actually ended up taking the bus with him. Then, at the bus stop he was complaining about his headphones. He broke his new ones, and he had to use some really shitty old ones. So I'm letting him borrow mine (the ones he bought me) until he gets new ones.
When all of that happened, Edward Scissorhands popped into my head. You know where the mean boyfriend is telling Kim that Edward would do anything for her, just so long as she asked him to? I was like "omg... [i]I'm[/i] Edward." I do everything he asks, I even do some things he doesn't ask but I know will mean a lot to him. ...Why? Fuck.
When I got home I decided I didn't want to do anything, so I watched Steph play Harvest Moon. I fell asleep for an hour or two, then had to wake up for dinner. I actually ate, and guess what? Wouldn't you know it, I felt sick again. I didn't even eat all that much, but it was still enough to make me sick.
I was grounded from my computer, but, like I mentioned before, my dad always lets me go back on before my punishment is up. Maybe I'd be a better person if my dad actually went through with a punishment or two? Who knows...
I stole this from Becky's livejournal. Hehe! Mmmm... Coffee... *drools* I dunno about the whole "girly-girl" part... but... ya. The rest is pretty much true, so I decided to post it anyways! XP
Tim Burton Marathon! (well, only 2 movies, but w/e!)
My dad woke me up yesterday because the phone was for me. Andrew was planning on having that little Tim Burton marathon, and wanted to know if I could come. I could (I wouldn't miss it for the world!), and I brought Nightmare Before Christmas, and Edward Scissorhands; and I bought BeetleJuice on the way there and brought that as well.
Colin and Andrew met me at the graveyard by Mal's house (just a couple blocks from them; it was a good landmark for my mom to find). I was the only other person there, 'cept for Colin. Katie and I decided we wanted to play a game, so we managed to find the Dominos in the basement and we played a game called Mexican Train. Then we built a snake like thing and pushed it over... Fun times. Chris came over while we were working on it.
Katie, Chris and I watched TV as we waited for everyone else to get there (Chris and I sat there insulting it, claiming it didn't make any sense... Well it didn't!). Jade came later and told us this wild story about how she blanked out in the street and woke up in Cory's mom's arms... Very odd. Steven and Melissa (his new girlfriend) came much later than everyone else. We had to start the movies at about 6-7 o'clock, when we all originally wanted to start them at 4 or 5!
Chris, Jade and I spent the entire night way too hyper for our own good, laughing our asses off at everything. It was much fun. Andrew's brother came up and sat beside me, and started screaming in my ear; then Erica came over and I was like "THAT'S IT!!!" and I went upstairs to hang out with Jade (who was on MSN in Andrew's room) and Chris (who was keeping her company). We decided we wanted to go for a walk, so we just left without telling anyone (they wouldn't have noticed we were gone anyways). We ended up at Chris's house, and we poked around his room for a bit. I got to see the entire Insight team in a picture ontop of his TV (I knew most of the people in it). Then we decided to keep walking and went back outside. Chris and I pooled our money and we bought smokes, and Jade said she'd pay us both back later. Quitting is too damn hard. Anyways, we walked back inside and watched Edward Scissorhands.
We never got around to watching BeetleJuice, but w/e. Andrew's mom drove me, Jade, Colin, Steven and Melissa all home (even though I offered to take a bus). I had to stand at the door holding down the doorbell for a couple minutes before Steph andwered it. I didn't think to bring a key, but I knew she'd be up.
I talked to Colin on MSN and he was talking about how he's been looking for answers and hasn't found any, and all this stuff; then he continued talking about how he was depressed and didn't know what he should do. I told him, basically the only three options; wait it out, talk to a Psychologist, or go on medication. My choice is, obviously, wait it out; but everyone's decision is different depending on what they feel is suited best for them. He decided to go on medication.
All the while I was having a debate with Dan and his friend Jake about what we believe happens after death and "what is fate" and all this jazz. It was really fun, but I bet they think I'm insane now XP. After the "debate", Dan just told me he liked to test people and wondered how far I would go to defend my point. I just replied "I'm not going to act like I know something that I don't, so I can only defend it so much. I don't know all the answers, so I'm not going to pretend like I do."
Dan signed out at about 3am; my head was throbbing, and I knew I was tired, but when I went to bed I didn't fall asleep until nearly 5am. I just have issues with sleeping, I guess... So ya, I woke up at about 1:30pm, and here I decided to add to my blog because I didn't yesterday. Now I'm going to play Harvest Moon... XD
I am so fucked up right now... (No, I'm NOT on drugs!!!)
Ooh, so ya - last night I finally got to start playing Harvest Moon. GREATEST GAME EVER! It's like Animal Crossing, only on a farm, and about a 1000x better! I named my first cow "Dinner" (ironic, coming from a vegetarian); then started naming my chickens after characters in the movie Chicken Run (Edweena, Ginger, Babs, Rocky); and my sheep is named Popcorn. XD!!! That game actually makes me want to become a farmer... Hahaha! (actually, I've [i]always[/i] wanted to live on a farm).
I decided that I should probably work on my project, so I went on my computer at about 10pm and started working. I was freaking out, too, because I had to do it all for the next day (not because it was due, but because Carl and I had to put it together in class because it was our last class to work on it). I nearly had a panic attack; all the websites were waaay above my head. Our project was on Cleopatra and Antony, and all I was finding was war stats! I was bitching at everyone who would put up with it on MSN as I searched for my dear life!
I [i]finally[/i] found a good website that was based on the relationship between Cleopatra and Antony at about 11pm, and I started reading through, copying and pasting the good notes and putting them in point form in a word program. Oh, ya, that's how I do my projects; I copy and paste good notes, put them in point form. Then I go over my "notes" and change the words around so it's my own; after that I go over them again and put them into paragraph form. Ya, I know, a little too much effort, but w/e, it works for me.
Just after I finally finished copying and pasting (I hadn't gone over them yet), my dad walks into my room and starts [i]screaming[/i] at me for being up late! (it was 12:30 then). I had to quickly save as he forced me off of my computer, not caring in the [i]slightest[/i] that I was [i]actually[/i] doing my work for once! Shit-fucker... *glares*.
I started to cry, because that's what I do. Well, not when my dad's around - I put on a very strong front when he's in the room. My mind started racing, I kept thinking "Omg, if I don't get this project finished, I'm going to fail and it'll be my dad's fault. I was only doing what he's been asking me to, and this is how he acts? I wasn't working for myself, I never do, I was doing the project so Carl wouldn't fail - but now thanks to him, he will. I'm not only dragging myself down, but I'm taking Carl with me!" and so on, and so forth. Then I started to cry hysterically and started asking myself why I was suck a fucking failure, and why I couldn't do anything right... Um... Ya, I do that. ^^'
I was literally hysterical, too - because I'd stop breathing for over a minute at a time, and I started convulsing. My body hurt all over... I went into the washroom for some kleenex at one point, and my face was completely red, and my lips were burgendy. Not healthy... I took a pair of scissors to my arm and just scratched. That's all I have now, scratch marks. They didn't bleed, so they hardly have scabs on them. I didn't want to bleed; if I wanted to, I would have cut deeper. I just wanted that stinging feeling you get when a cat sratches you all over my arm.
The whole point was to get me to go to sleep, but it backfired. I stayed up crying until about 3am; that's when I passed out because I hardly slept the night before. My dad woke me up at 6am to let me finish working on my project. I got 3 hours of sleep for the third day in a fucking row. I am so drained; I could hardly concentrate in[i] any[/i] of my classes.
I only had an hour to work on the project, so I decided that I'd just keep it in point-form, but change all the sentances to my own - as well as print off some pictures to put on the bristol board. I finished at about an hour later, when I'd wake up normally. I went to school, and since it was for Ancient Civs, which is my homeroom, I had it first thing in the morning. We put it together (I had actually done more work than he did, which amazed me), and completed it. It ended up looking very nice, so I was proud. Odd fact: my eyes [i]still[/i] hurt from last night. I look like hell, too; bags under my eyes, and I can barely keep my freakin' head up.
English bored the hell out of me... And I started to really [i]envy[/i] the 18 year-old in my class who signs himself out just before class, then back in right after. The perverted American student teacher came back today. He was in the US for something at his University, but, unfortunately, he has returned. Sometimes I just watch him stare at girls' asses and boobs (including Ms.Morris's *shudders*).
He really freaks me out! *clears throat* One day when I was writing notes, he was standing directly behind me, hardly an inch away from my back, just watching me... Only he wasn't watching me work... If you catch my drift. He stood there, staring for nearly 7 minutes. He's done the same to Amber, Kim and Tara (the only other girls in the class). Well, just today Tara got up to hand in some work, and he watched her ass as she walked back to her desk; then he moved his view to Ms.Morris's ass. I wanted to hurl. Stupid fucking horny American bastard. Go home, Canada doesn't want you! *refering to the student teacher, and [i]not[/i] Americans in general*.
Nothing got done in Parenting; well, at least for me, anywys. Kelsey managed to finish her baby menu (an assignment) and hand it in. Today was just basically a free class to work on unfinished projects and hand them in before the report card. Mal and Steven were both not in school, and Jade skipped, so I was sad; not that Kelsey and Erika aren't fun to talk to, it's just I love it when everyone else is there, too.
Today's lunch was a hell of a lot of fun, becuase it was just me, Gavin, StickKid and Knockimov - and they were talking about guy stuff and I just laughed my ass off. Drama was directly after lunch, and we were put into our groups for our little scene-study. Brandon is in my group, and either Jen or Kelsey will be (not everyone was there, so they were both put into our group until everything is sorted out).
Ms.Coleman was being a bitch again. She was going to make everyone do their presentations, ready or not or else we get 0's; but everyone in the class faught against her and she said she'd "only" take off 25% if we didn't go today; our next class will be on wednesday, so I have until then to get Staci onto a computer with me and work on the damn thing.
Jade told me she'd go to Bio today, and gues what? She didn't. I really don't care anymore, because now whenever she says she's going to go, I pretty much assume that she's not anyways. And, I'm always right, so it doesn't bug me. Mr.Gibson was just giving people their marks that'll be on their reportcard, and handing back assignments. He wasn't paying any attention to anyone in the class who wasn't in a circle around his desk, so Leslie and I just walked out. My weekend started at 1:30 (school usually ends at 2:15), and I walked home listening to The Used.
I went into Steph's room and started playing Harvest Moon. I didn't stop until 8 o'clock, only because I forced myself to because I wanted to watch AFV. So ya... here I am... That's all.
Oh, ya, my dad told me I was grounded from the computer. But after a couple hours he starts feeling really bad and he tells me I'm allowed back on again. Every time, without fail. He's always like "oh, well, you learned your lesson, right?" Honestly, how can I learn a lesson if you don't go through with the punishment? Wait, why am I arguing? This is a [i]good[/i] thing! I swear, I could get away with murder!
Wouldn't ya know it? I hardly got any sleep [i]again[/i] last night. Wow, the March break [i]really[/i] fucked me up! I'm starting to get onto a more normal time, but it's still about 2:30 - 3am when I'm finally out. It so totally sucks ass, because I'm dead tired during the day, but at night I just can't get to sleep early enough.
You know what I learned? I cannot handle Carl too early in the morning. Arg... He's a great kid 'n all, but sometimes I just want to strangle him! He's got waaaay too much energy! Like, when we're in homeroom (ya, I sit beside him) he'll break out into song, or start quoting old comedy movies about history. I'm just sitting there thinking "Shut up, shut up, [i]shut up[/i]!" Drama's fine, because we're encouraged to act oddly in that class, and it's in the afternoon when I've had time to wake up. But, I mean, first thing in the morning? *twitch*twitch*
Bri tried to get me to skip Math with her, but I didn't want to. I want to actually pull my mark back up to a 90% (I plan on being an Accountant); so I actually did my work today instead of sleeping! *gasps*. In English we just took notes, and had to write down all these quotes on Power. Some were interesting, I guess... (not really).
I just socialized with "the group" during lunch. Everyone in our group who had drama in the morning were playing these games that they just learned that day, and that I would be learning that afternoon. It was quite amusing to watch them...
Careers was right after lunch, and Staci came to class only to tell our supply teacher that she was signing out to go home since she was sick. :( Poor Staci! She had to stay at school, though because she was going to take Kris out for lunch for her birthday...
[b]!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KRISTINA!!![/b]
Gawd, she's 17! :shock: . I've known her for about 12 of those years, too! Scary!
But ya, since Staci wasn't there, and I hate working alone, I just went on Gaia and PMed Jade, Colin and Jade's little online friend dude that I've been harassing. There weren't any good threads, so I didn't post. Class ended (yay!) and I went to Drama (double yay!). We played the freaky "try and step on eachothers toes" game, as well as "try and make the other person step forward or back by hitting their hands" game. Both times I was with Anne (how we managed that, I do not know). Oooh - we also had to get into pairs and try and stare down the other person... My partner was Kelsey! I was just like "[i]Noooo[/i]! I can't be mad at [i]Kelsey[/i]!" So I spent the entire few minutes trying as hard as I could to hold back the laughter!
[i]TYBALT[/i]!!! *dances* Ya, we were casted for our little scene-study thing today. I got the role of Tybalt, Juliet's cousin (the part I wanted! WOO HOO!!!). Mr.Mo was like "I'm going to be casting you as the people I think you'd best be suited for..." He took one look at me and casted me as the firey-tempered Tybalt, looking to kick some Romeo-ass! XD!!! I would so totally kick Romeo's ass, too. Tybalt is my hero! Er, well, one of many, that is.
Arg - I don't like Photography! Ms.Coleman didn't bother to give us more time, even though [i]everyone[/i] in the class was telling her that they weren't ready! Biiitch. I swear she was dumped. "Too bad your ass got SAAAAACKED!" -random G.I. Joe quote. Greg and Ryan were the last group to go today; she was telling us to present in order from the attendance sheet, and Greg's last name starts with an H... Mine starts with a K, and I was next on the list! GREG, YOU SAVED ME!!! THANK YOU!!! lol! If Staci goes to school tomorrow, I'm making her work on it with me at lunch. We [i]NEED[/i] to finish it! ...Otherwise, I'm presenting all by myself with an unfinished project. (It's saved on her account, so I can't work on it without her!).
As soon as Steph's done watching her anime on her TV, I'm going to try playing Harvest Moon. ^^
And now, [i]just [/i]because I can... I'm gonna throw in a short survey: "[b][u]Favorites, Have-You-Evers, and Last Times[/u][/b]"
[b]What is your favorite... [/b] [i]gum:[/i] cinnamon [i]restaurant:[/i] Harvey's [i]drink:[/i] iced tea [i]season:[/i] fall / winter [i]type of weather:[/i] thunder storm [i]emotion: [/i]at peace [i]thing to do on a half day: [/i]sleep in (if the morning is off) or go to the mall (if the afternoon is off) [i]late-night activity:[/i] watch TV, chat on MSN [i]sport:[/i] badminton [i]city:[/i] Ottawa, Whistler, CharlotteTown [i]store:[/i] wherever cool stuff is sold?
[b]When was the last time you... [/b] [i]cried:[/i] last night, while writing my blog... [i]played a sport:[/i] oh geez - too long ago! [i]laughed:[/i] *shrugs* an hour ago? [i]hugged someone:[/i] after school [i]kissed someone:[/i] me kiss someone? oy, it's been a couple months [i]felt depressed:[/i] sometime today [i]felt elated:[/i] after working for the Golf Show [i]felt overworked:[/i] yesterday, while working for the thread on Gaia [i]faked sick:[/i] I almost did this morning, actually [i]lied:[/i] I NEVER lie! ...just now! XD
[b]What was the last...[/b] [i]word you said:[/i] "mkay" to Stephie [i]thing you ate:[/i] a mint [i]song you listened to:[/i] random songs on my Alexisonfire CD when I was walking home [i]thing you drank:[/i] iced tea [i]place you went to:[/i] school? [i]movie you saw:[/i] at home, Nightmare Before Christmas; in the theatres, Taking Lives [i]movie you rented:[/i] the last movie *I* rented was BeatleJuice [i]concert you attended:[/i] aw man, it was a while ago, so I don't remember...
[b]Who was the last person you... [/b] [i]hugged:[/i] Mal [i]cried over:[/i] myself, and my mom [i]kissed:[/i] Jade (if you don't include parents) [i]danced with:[/i] Steven [i]shared a secret with:[/i] I don't have secrets :S [i]had a sleepover with:[/i] oy... Steven. [i]called:[/i] my mom on the cell [i]went to a movie with:[/i] Jadey [i]saw:[/i] Stephie [i]were angry with:[/i] Erica [i]couldn't take your eyes off of:[/i] either the pic I have of Jon, or Mike [i]obsessed over:[/i] um... I have no idea... Johnny Depp?
[b]Have you ever... [/b] [i]danced in the rain:[/i] more than once! [i]kissed someone:[/i] thousands of times [i]done drugs:[/i] never! [i]drank alcohol:[/i] yup... each experience was absolutly dreadful, though [i]slept around:[/i] NO!!! [i]partied 'til the sun came up:[/i] if that's what you want to call it... [i]had a movie marathon:[/i] Braden holds them all the time [i]gone too far on a dare:[/i] ah, memories... [i]spun until you were immensely dizzy:[/i] never again will I do that outside on the cement! [i]taken a survey quite like this before:[/i] I took this exact survey before, but never posted it up. so... yes.
I'm about to pass out from the serious lack of energy!
Alrighty... It's taken me a while, but I'm [i]finally[/i] here to write about my day! I'm completely drained, I had a weird day, to say in the least. And I've been running on only 3 hours of sleep. I know, I'm messed up. hehe.
Today was day 4 - meaning it was that one day of our cycle where I don't have my homeroom. No Ancient Civs for me! Parenting first, instead. Steven, Mal and Jade didn't show up (boo! You three were the only reasons I actually got out of bed this morning and you [i]didn't even go to class[/i]! Hiss! lol). I know we had a heated discussion about [i]something[/i], but my mind is drawing blank. Too early in the morning, I guess. ...That's why I slept all through Math class. I got most of what Mr.Marchilldon was saying, then off to sleep for me. I got a good 30 minutes, so I'm glad.
English class was actually interesting today - for the first time in forever. Somehow Ms.Morris got on the topic of "when is it okay for guys to cry?". Every male in the class were trying to act tough and were saying "Oh, I haven't cried since grade 2! Blah blah blah - I'm a freakin' macho lying ass fucker!" you know, the usual. Only one, the one I thought would actually be telling the truth if he said that, openly admitted that he actually cries a lot. I was like :shock: !!! No one followed his lead, though. Brave, brave Brandon. She then asked in what situations would it be "understandable" for men to cry; they were saying things like funerals, weddings, extreme pain (ie, getting kicked in the balls). She asked about break-ups, and they all shook their heads and said that they shouldn't be pansy's about it. Omg, honestly, if you love a girl and she dumps your ass, you're going to cry! It's plainly obvious unless you have absolutly [i]no[/i] heart. Lying shits. *ahem* Other than that, the class was boring. lol!
lol! I felt [i]sooo [/i]bad! Andrew handed me a piece of lettuse and was like "Here!" So I put it in my mouth and started chewing on it and he was like "Um... I didn't want you to [i]eat[/i] it! It was on the floor!" and I spat it out and it hit him in the face! LOL! Jade, Many and Jen did their little Evanescence (sp?) song thing in the middle of the hall again (Jade - your voice is friggin amazing!!! And Mandy, you're just priceless. LOL!). I mean, I know I can't stand Evanescence, but I can at least stand their "version" of it. :wink:
I was supposed to skip Biology to work on the Photography assignment with Staci; so I waited for her in front of the library. Kris walked by and I asked her if she had seen Staci and she said she wasn't in Independent Living... So I ran to Bio before I was late (I didn't make it), and went to class. No point in skipping; I wouldn't have worked, either - I never motivate myself. I [i]need[/i] to be working with someone to get anything done because then I'm doing the work for them, not for myself.).
Leslie and I had to take each others' blood pressure. I've always known that my blood pressure is low; I recall the nurse saying (the last time I was in the hospital for reasons I won't get into right now) "Well... I don't know if that's unusual... It may be normal for [i]her[/i], but..." and never finished her sentance. ^^'.
Actually, I think I [i]will[/i] get into the reasons I was at the hospital last. I haven't talked about it much since it happened. Like, I told my close friends what happened, but I never really went into it more than that without changing the subject. I guess I've been very ashamed. Suicide is a very selfish act, and I don't like to consider myself selfish.
I need to let some things out; so I'm just going to talk about what happened. You can skip over these next few paragraphs if you don't care / don't want to hear it. *sighs*
I've been suicidal for a long time. Since the summer before grade nine, actually. I never really thought about it before then. I nearly killed myself because some stupid guy didn't like me. Well, he's not stupid, Jon was a sweetheart, thats why I liked him so much - he was just kind of insensitive. Then, I nearly killed myself [i]again[/i] when Tom came around. All the while, the only thing keeping me here was my family and friends. Mainly my mom, since she lost her brother to suicide. I didn't want to do that to her again.
I dunno what happened... I still didn't love life when I was with Steven, but at least then I didn't hate it enough to want to die. When he broke up with me... I took an entire bottle of extra strength advil. I lay down on my bed for about a minute, a zillion thoughts per second rushing through my head. My mom's face popped up, and everything else faded away. I knew that I couldn't take that exit out. I called Steven and told him what I did, and he told my mom everything... I have always felt bad for him - having to do that must have been so horrible!
She called 911 and made me throw up as much as I could. I remember begging her not to be mad at me. I told her to tell dad not to be angry, either. I don't know why I thought they would be... She just hugged me and said "Oh, no baby! I'm not mad at you... I'm just scared. It'll be okay..." She didn't let go until the paramedics came. (Omg, tears are pouring now... I need this.)
Okay, that's all I feel like I need to talk about right now... That's about all I can handle remembering. I don't want to remember the rest...
Back to my day before I can't stop crying! Okay! In Careers I just typed up the previous blog, but it wouldn't let me enter it! It kept saying "you must have a title" or some shit like that, and I [i]had[/i] a title! Whatever, I emailed it to myself and all was well again in the world.
Today I greatly disliked Drama class. He was introducing a scene study we were to be doing for the next few classes. He picked a scene from Romeo and Juliet (If you care to hear my views on this certain play, refer to the friday before the March break started. I don't hate Shakespeare, nor do I hate the play - I just hate the characters... But that makes me love it... If that makese [i]any[/i] sense.). We read it over like, 3 times as a class, then we disected what each individual line meant. Now, I'm a big fan of Shakespear, so I already [i]knew[/i] what they were talking about in each line. But we [i]still[/i] spent the ENTIRE FRIGGIN CLASS DISECTING IT!!! I mean, sure, I understand that not everyone gets old English, but a WHOLE 50 MINUTES??? *bangs head into wall*.
I see Steven in the hall in the basement as I was heading off to my locker, and he told me to wait for him because... well, I don't know why. lol. Anyways, I did, then we walked up one flight of stairs onto the main floor. We had to part ways, but we didn't until we fought over to was to "blame" for ending the conversation first by being the first to walk away. We played rock-paper-scissors - loser had to walk away first. I lost. It was my fault the conversation ended! *cries*. Hahaha. Oh, it was so random and stupid, it was priceless.
I took the bus home (after mooching some bus tickets off of Ryan, who was going to Roxanne's house). Apparently my nick-name, "Flubber", is going to stick with me forever. Arg! "Mommy! The Photography students are making fun of me again!" hahaha! Good times...
...I have a fruit fly crawling on my computer monitor. It's quite distracting, actually.
So I get home and Colin instantly was like "HEEEELLP MEEEE!!!" (only not so desperate). He wanted me to host a contest on Go-Gaia in the charity thread. He was giving away his fairy wings for free, just as long as you signed up. I was to manage the list of participants. I made it very beautiful. Hehe. I had to add new names every 20 seconds at least! It was insane!
I managed to get Jade and Dan both into that thread as frequent posters to "bump" the thread up to the top of the forum. Chatting with them all was tres fun. Steven later came on as a frequent poster as well, just as Dan left. We talked about insane and random things - and I think we scared a lot of people. LOL! A newbie won, so that was nice. It was like a "welcome to Gaia!" present! Hehe. (Oh - btw, if you have an account on Gaia, or even know what Gaia [i]is[/i], my username is [i]Narceu[/i].) We had to stop the contest once we got 51 participants - it was getting too hectic.
I managed to make new friends in that thread, too - like my fake-english buddy "Spoony" (he has a longer username, but that's the short form of it). It was great, he came in and we were both talking like Brits! XD. Then some girl who I had been talking to just randomly mentioned that she needed 2.4k for this necklace / choker she was saving up for... I felt like being nice, because she was dissapointed about not winning the wings, and I just gave her the gold to buy it. ^^ that was my good deed of the day. Helping a fellow Gaian in need! Bah, who am I kidding? My donation was nothing compared to Colin's wings!
So ya, by now I'm pretty sick of typing. So I'm just going to stop... NOW!
My Biology teacher gave us a handout with this Japanese Personality Type that depends on your Blood Type (since we just got our blood tested yesterday). I found it interesting, and decided I wanted to share it with everyone. I typed it up in Careers class, and [i]tried[/i] to post it then, but tBlog has been giving me issues lately. So I'm posting it now instead.
[b][u]TYPE O[/u]:[/b] - [i]confident, strong-willed, judgemental, dedicated, self-determined[/i] - [i]workaholic, insecure, emotional, stubborn, uncompromising, over-confident, self-centred[/i] [b]O’s (The Warriors)[/b] have great energy and strong survival instincts, decisive and positive but self but selfishness and arrogance are also typical traits. Have a strong sense of purpose, romantic, influenced by peers, good at organising activities, very proud. [b]Diet:[/b] Thrive on high protein meat based; need intense physical exercise.
[b][u]TYPE A[/u]:[/b] - [i]obedient, careful, sympathetic, reserved, self-sacrificing, polite, willing to compromise, honest, loyal[/i] - [i]worries a lot, emotional, indecisive, introverted, antisocial, wishy-washy, nervous[/i] [b]A’s (The Farmer)[/b] are sensitive and considerate; work to keep the peace, adapt well to new things, tend to old in stress. Calm, obeys rules, values relationships with others, cautious. [b]Diet:[/b] Optimal diet is vegetarian, exercise should be calming like yoga.
[b][u]TYPE B[/u]:[/b] - [i]cheerful, outgoing, optimistic, adventurous, active, sensitive, kind [/i] - [i]forgetful, indecisive, disorganised, noisy, spontaneous, prone to exaggeration [/i] [b]B’s (The Hunters)[/b] are the most balanced blood type – often strive for harmony in relationships. Does things at his or her own pace, strong personality, optimistic, easy to get along with. [b]Diet:[/b] Eat a balanced diet; tend to have strong immune system.
[b][u]TYPE AB[/u]:[/b] - [i]sensitive and proud, diplomatic, discriminating, easy going, sympathetic, efficient, learns quickly [/i] - [i]short tempered, complains, dependent, moody, brooding [/i] [b]AB’s (The Humanist)[/b] usually are restless souls who can be brilliant, wild and passionate, but can quickly sing to fighting with other and themselves. Well aware of environment, dislikes instinctive feelings, never takes things to the limit or best of his/her ability, tries to be useful to other people. [b]Diet:[/b] Benefit from eggs and dairy, sensitive digestive tract, avoid smoked meats.
If you read my past blogs, you'd already know that I'm type A. And ya, it makes sense. What [i]really[/i] freaked me out is that I [i]am[/i] a vegetarian, and that I used to do yoga! Everything else (for the most part) makes sense, too. So... I think the Japanese are onto something. :wink: lol!
*dances around like a crazy person* ...As Jade would say!
tBlog is really starting to piss me off... I wrote a really [i]really[/i] long blog, and tried to post it while it was down (only I didn't know it was down at the time) and it's completely gone! FUCKERS!!!
Anyways, I'll [i]try[/i] to remember and re-write everything... :evil:
K, so last night I started falling asleep at my computer at about 7:30... I gave up trying to stay awake and went to bed. I got 12 hours of sleep last night. Go me! I needed it, too; considering I only got 2 and half the night before.
We watched a video in Ancient Civs, then "worked" on our project. I should probably start that soon... Yeesh, I need to get my act in gear! Parenting next. Mal brought in the Sabrina the Teenage Witch CD! I own it, but I haven't listened to it in [i]years[/i]. I still have all the songs memorised, too! Fun, fun. We took notes on the development of play with children. We also discussed the differences between "girls" toys and "boys" toys. Mr.L was saying how girls are brought up to be obsessed with hair and appearance because of Barbie and guys are brought up to be tough because of GI Joe ("Hey kid! I'm a computer! Stop all the downloadin'!" ...sorry, I had to!). I found it very ironic and funny, because I grew up playing with Barbies and was a real girly-girl - now I'm one of the biggest tom-boys I know! Hahaha!
Math class was boring as hell. We just did review of the stuff we were working on before the break. He gave us back a test we did before (98% - yeeehaw!), then gave us our overall marks. 82%. Bah! First term I had 89% - I've droppped down so much! *hangs head in shame* I [i]will[/i] bump it up before the end of the year! I need to focus more in class! Arg!
I had a pretty uneventful lunch. I didn't eat much, and I just talked with Mal and Andrew for the most part. Staci came down to see me near the end and I was like "Yay!" Because it's been a while. I'm glad she's coming to class now-a-days. She was in France over the break *jealous* and she didn't go to school yesterday because of jet-lag. lol!
We went to Photography (in the computer lab) and worked on our project on Diane Arbus. We got a lot done, actually. But not enough, unfortunately; today was our last class to work on it. I'm going to be skipping Bio tomorrow because I have it right after lunch and Staci has a spare that class. It works.
Oooh - wouldn't you know, I'm mad at Steven for another reason! Staci actually asked me today in class if he and Cristal were going out, because when she saw them at lunch she was all over him. I said no, and that he's been acting that way with all girls lately - even though he [i]has[/i] a girlfriend. I mean, geez, if you have a girlfriend you should think before you let a whore jump onto your lap. And ya, Cristal [i]is[/i] a whore; the first thing she told Staci today was that she got laid by some guy she [i]just[/i] met over the break. *shakes head*. I'm not mad because I'm jealous of these girls, though. I'm mad because he's doing this behind Melissa's back. I mean, just because she doesn't go to our school doesn't give him the right to do that. I don't know if she knows what he's been doing, or if she'd be okay with it, but as far as I know she doesn't. And I know what he's doing isn't much, but if I had a boyfriend in a different school I wouldn't want girls hanging off of him constantly. ...Enough about that.
OOOH! I HAVE TYPE A BLOOD!!! Now, I don't know if it's negative or positive, the tests they took only showed so much. I know that my body will accept at [i]least[/i] A- and O-; if my blood is A+, though, I'll be able to accept those two, as well as A+ and O+. I learned that type O- blood is the universally accepted blood type; anyone can recieve it. The only problem is that people with O- blood can only accept from other O- people. Now, type AB blood can accept blood from absolutly any donor - but can only donate to other AB type people. I just wrote that down for myself, basically. We didn't take notes, and I don't want to forget - I [i]really[/i] need to pass Bio or I'm screwed.
Omg - going into Bio class, I was soooo nervous! Not because of the pain when they'd prick my finger - but because I hate blood. I sat for 20 minutes with a completely blank mind, staring off into space, just tapping my finger repetedly on my desk as I was waiting for it to be my turn. I couldn't look as she did it. She pricked my finger, and I hardly felt it - like I knew I would. But she seemed to take forever getting two good drops of blood. I was curious as to what the holdup was, so I turned... My finger was completely covered in my own blood. I got very faint very fast. After it was all over she was just like "Are you sure you're okay? You want to lie down?" She was so nice... Hehe.
In Careers Staci and I worked on our [i]other[/i] project. The whole "Come to our University!" thing - we're doing U of PEI because pretty much every University in Ontario was taken. w/e - I like PEI more than Ontario, so s'all good. We talked more about her trip to France. Then when class was over I walked with her to her locker (it was on the way to mine), and she showed me pictures. I found this really kick-ass one of an old building and she let me keep it since she has tripple prints. Yay!
Mom met Steph and I after school at EB Games so we could finally pick up Harvest Moon (she's been waiting forever for it to come in). Then we went to Carlingwood to pick up Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD (FINALLY!!! lol!). *dances*. Then Steph dragged us to Ardene's to get some glove-thingie she saw her friend wearing today. There was this weird deal where if you buy three things off of one rack you only pay $10 - so I got two rings (to replace the ones that were slicing up / turning my fingers colours). Then we got a belt each (another deal - two for $10). Hehe - they're all quite snazzy.
As soon as I got home I instantly started watching NBC. One of the beginning scenes made me cry because it was so beautiful... You know when Jack's climbing up the hill for the first time as he's singing about no longer wanting to be the Pumpkin King... Ya. Hehehe ^^'. I watched the special features after of the making of NBC - and it was really interesting! They put a hell of a lot of work into it, and that was 11 years ago! Gaw! ...And I watched it a second time later on. I'm so pathetically obsessed! LOL! Not that that's a problem... XD
I can't wait until my NBC Zippo comes in the mail! *dances*
I haven't updated in a while, because it's kind of pointless when nothing happens. Saturday and Sunday were both quite uneventful; well, until the end of Sunday, that is. Jade is fucking nuts! But I'll get to that in a minute...
Ya, as you may all know already, I'm just a[i] little[/i] bit obsessed with Nighmare Before Christmas. I decided that my old beaten up copy on VHS was no longer suitable for my needs (...that means I have a DVD player in my room, not a VCR) and I need to get a copy on DVD. Did you know that most stores won't stock NBC after Christmas? Neither did I! Soooo fucking retarded! I saw it the other day in Carlingwood, but last night we didn't have time to drive out there to pick it up. (Sunday - everything closes at 5 and I decided that I wanted it at about 4:45 - S-M-R-T!).
So yes, why Jade is fucking nuts... Okay, she was talking about Matt, and how she's obsessed with him, and how he's got a show coming up soon. Ya, he's in a band called False Reaction. She started sending me their songs and sent me a link to their website; so I'm just like "lalala". She was talking about bringing me to their show in April (yay!) ...And it ended up with Jade trying to set me up with the bands drummer, and one of her best friends, Jon. She sent me pictures of him (hehehe... :wink: ...ANYWAYS!!!) so I sent her a picture of me to send to him (bah! I hate all pictures of me!) And according to Jade he thinks I'm hot (wow, what drug is he on? LOL!). *ahem* :oops:
It was really strange... Last night I was, dare I say, happy? I wasn't just "Sarah" happy, though - I was "Mal" and "Jade" happy. Giddy beyond belief! Dancing to whatever songs I was listening to! Me! Dancing! I kid you not! ...Speaking of which, I need music... There I go! *dances again* Damnit! I'm sorry, but this song is like a drug to me - I can't help but sing along and dance to it... Literally! It's "Bruises" by Sugarcult. Some of you may know it already from Mal; that's where I got it. It's a good song.
[i]I can tell that I'm falling in love with you, The bruises prove it's real![/i]
I feel like I'm high - but I've never done a single illegal drug in my life. I'm proud of that. Holy crap I'm shivering like crazy! I think I swallowed a vibrator. :wink: Hahaha, um, not quite. Eating a popsicle on a cold wintery SPRING DAY will make a person shiver. IT'S FUCKING SPRING, ACT LIKE IT!!! *shakes fist at the sky* ... *dances some more* Hehe!
Today was the first day back after the March Break (It's about fucking time!) and I only got 2 hours of sleep last night. Fucking hell! I'm still half asleep - I never fully woke up. Speaking of waking up... Wrong side of the freakin' bed much? Omg, I was a total bitch this morning! That's what happens when I don't get enough sleep (and by "enough", I mean 12 hours). I purposely avoided going down to the basement to see my friends because I was afraid someone would get kicked in the balls! Need... More... Sleep!
I felt so bad! I didn't do a single bit of homework for Ancient Civs over the break! It wasn't my fault, though, I swear! All the text books were signed out, so I actually couldn't ([i]suuuure[/i], Sarah - we believe you! :roll: - stfu! XD ... I swear I'm not schizo!). English was gay, as always. Parenting was, needless to say, fun! Jade, you're fucking insane! Just thought I'd let you know. You're having [i]way[/i] too much fun! You know that god-awful combination where you're hyper but dead tired at the same time...? Ya, that was me in Parenting class - and for pretty much the rest of the day. My pissed-off-ness was only temporary, I suppose.
*shivers* Wtf - still? Arg!
From here on forward, I'm not going to pretend I'm someone I'm not. I'm going to be honest when someone askes me something about myself. If someone wants to know something, I'll tell them the truth, instead of lying to impress them or w/e. If they don't like my response - tough. I am who I am; and I love myself. Sure, I may psychotic *points to shirt*, but I can deal.
Dude! I lose and gain weight a little [i]too[/i] fast! I haven't been eating well this past week, and I can feel my ribs. Not good. Today I've only eaten a granolla bar and a popsicle... The funny thing is, I'm not hungry. Thirsty, ya. I've had too many eating disorders in the past. When I was lil' I was fat. I'd eat too much. Then when I was about 14 I was bulimic. So I lost a bit of weight. Then I stopped throwing up, and stayed at about that weight for a little while because I just kind of stopped eating. A couple months ago I started eating again, but not too much. Just enough as a normal person would; but I expanded. Not too badly, hardly anyone noticed, but I certainly did. I hated it, too. So... I've stopped eating again.
I'm not doing it on purpose, I swear to you all! My body does it all on its own. I only eat when I feel hungry, and since I think I'm getting fat my body tells me I'm not hungry so I don't eat and lose weight. Also, depression fucks with your eating habbits, and (as you all know) I got dumped 3 months ago... I hardly ate a bite that first month; I lived off of water and chocolate milk (the chocolate milk was thicker, and gave my stomach the illusion it was full - sometimes I couldn't even handle that!).
I'm seriously fucked up. I don't even get the nutrients I need when I [i]do[/i] eat! There's no way I'm giving up my vegetarianism, though - I'm not quitting after 3 years. You shitting me? lol! Besides, I feel it's morally wrong to kill a living creature for food; I'll just have to talk to my doctor about a few things. I swear, he's gonna load me up on all sorts of different pills... Gaah - Sarah as you know her will die once she walks into that office!
Sorry for that sudden outburst... I have quite a few of them, sometimes. Don't mind me. Just venting a lil'. Not many people know I have an eating disorder; you can't really tell by looking at me because of my "frame" (meaning my shoulders, hips and height). Oh well, I needed to get that off of my chest.
So where was I...? Oh ya, my day! Lunch time... I hung out with Gavin, StickKid and Knockimov for the first little while; then other people started showing up. Jade appeared and took out some pictures from her locker; she had printed off a couple of Matt, and one of Jon. LOL! She also printed off two pictures that I sent her last night. Oh ya, I went crazy and sent Jade all these pictures of scenery from BC that my dad took when we were out there this past summer. I have only three up in my DeviantArt gallery *points to first link on the left bar*. And I danced. During lunch, I really did. I think I scared a few people; they were like "Sarah... What are you [i]on[/i]?" LMAO!
Oooh! And Andrew showed up just before lunch ended! I [i]so[/i] wanted to go to hang out with him over the break, but nooooo he was in BC snowboarding! I missed him! Hahaha - I showed Kelsey the pic of Jon just before we went into drama and ya, she thinks he's hot. 8) All guys have to pass the Kelsey-test; if he fails, he's too ugly for this world. LOL j/k!!!
We spent the entire drama class going around the circle talking about our March break. Seriously, that's [i]all[/i] we did. He made us take turns saying one good thing and one bad thing that happened over the break. Bad Thing: I was so bored and alone - no one called me! *cries*. Good Thing: Someone *cough*JADEY*cough* finally called and I got out of the freakin' house!
A lot of people had to work over the break. Damn them! They were [i]complaining[/i] - I don't even [i]have[/i] a job! Rogers hasn't called yet! It said on the application form that it could take up to 3 months... I'm just trying to remember how long ago I handed it in to them... Oh well, that's what blogs are good for - reference! I'll search my archives. I'm guessing it's been one month, tops. But still! I have nothing to do with my free time; I may as well be making money. Besides, free rentals! I hope they hire me... :?
Photography... Hm... *thinks back* ah yes. We were in the computer lab; working on our power-point projects. Hahaha - I still don't know why I chose Diane Arbus! I mean, scary kids, nudes and [i]transvestites[/i]! (I'm just a sweet Transvestite; from Transexual Transelvania!).
This is a kick-ass song. "Meant to Live" by Switchfoot. *random*
TOMORROW!!! YES!!! FINALLY!!! I've been waiting my [i]entire freakin life[/i] for tomorrow. Seriously. I'm going to be... finding out my blood type! My [i]doctor[/i] doesn't even know my blood type! These people will be coming into my Bio class and they'll be testing our blood for us. I'm nervous, though. Not of the needle, but of the blood. I mean, I've had my ears pierced 3 times each, and my eyebrow done (speaking of which, the infection is more or less down... I wish I still had it, though!), the little prick on the finger is going to be nothing. I just hate blood... I can't watch a [i]cartoon character[/i] get a [i]papercut[/i] without getting grossed out! Sad, eh? ^^'
Steven and Chris were talking about what their plans were after school in between classes... And all I have to say to Steven; you're an idiot. You don't even care about yourself, do you? If you did, you wouldn't sneak alcohol onto school property, then go after school to buy some more. You're 16! I was dead serious when I said that you were more healthy last year when you had [i]cancer[/i] compared to what you're doing to yourself now. You were given a second chance at life, and this is what you're choosing to do with it? You're fucking yourself over, and you know what? I don't care anymore. Do whatever the hell you want, I'm not going to try and stop you. Just know, it may make all your current problems go away [i]now[/i], but it'll only add one giant drinking problem to the list. I don't mean to bring out the big guns, but do you REALLY want to end up like your [i]dad[/i]? I have little to no respect left for you, Steven. Smarten up.
*ahem* Another rant, sorry folks. Anyways, I'm gonna go watch Simpsons. I'll probably update again tomorrow. Later.
Last night, I had this dream... For some reason, I had a golden retriever, [i]as well as[/i] my cat (I don't have a dog). One day my cat came into the house all beaten up (like he has been lately, poor baby) and my dog came in directly after him and his front left leg was obviously broken. My mom and I rushed them both to the vets, and waited for them to be fixed up. Somehow Steph and dad popped up (but w/e, dreams aren't supposed to make sense). The vet came out and was holding a white cardboard box, which I knew had my dog in it. He was yelling out to everyone in the room, "Who bets this dog is alive or dead?" And everyone started cheering, except me - I had no idea what was going on! Was my dog [i]dead[/i]? He opened the box and my dog's tail wagged and he announced that he was alive, and everyone started booing. I burst into tears, grabbed the box my dog was lying in, and ran out of there so fast. I didn't stop crying for a long time, too. I was so angry that a professional would do such a thing! When I was in the car with the rest of my family, driving home, I was still crying - and all my dad did was yell at me to shut up because my "damn dog" was alive and I should be happy.
...What the hell? :?
Ebay and Rideau - these past two days have been good to me!
Dude - If my life were a movie, I wouldn't be able to go see it by [i]one year[/i]! Sucks ass, man! :wink:
Yes, yes, I know... I didn't update yesterday. *gasps*. But, I'll fill you in now. I have found a new best friend... His name is EBAY! lol! Colin was talking to me about this evil satanic duck he has in his display picture, then I started talking about The Nightmare Before Christmas (because there's an evil duck in it), and I wanted to find him a picture of this duck. So I went on Google Images and started looking at all these pictures of NBC (I got a new display pic myself, actually); but a lot of it was merch. Then I just thought "Hey... I want some of this shit!"
So I went on Ebay for the first time ever and looked around a bit. I came across the most kick-ass Zippo EVER! It has Jack's head, and underneath it says "The Nightmare Before Christmas" and it's framed. I stopped breathing and was like " :shock: NEED!!!" So I ran down into the basement and showed it to my dad and he placed a bid! I watched it like a hawk for three hours (thats how much time there was left on the auction) and IT'S MINE!!! ALL MINE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ...lol, I'm sad.
I'm big on fate and destiny and all that jazz, so I came to a conclusion about this Zippo thing. I was just simply not meant to get that one in Control Wear. The Jack Zippo was just waiting for me to find it, and I got it without any trouble. *dances* I can't [i]wait[/i] until it comes in the mail!
I continued to search around a bit more on Ebay, and I came across Niobe, Neo and the Twins' sunglasses. I came so close to making my dad bid on them (Neo's, that is). Colin was like "NO! Ebay is addictive - don't give in!" lol!!! So yes, thank you Colin - you saved me from shitting away my money... I still want them, though. Hahaha! So for some reason I decided to look at some different Zippos, and I came across this one with the guy off of the cover of the Wraith (an ICP CD) and started thinking... Steven's birthday is at the end of April, and that would be perfect for him! I didn't know if I should get it though, so I didn't place a bid on it. I decided I should talk to him about it, first. Ya, I'm bad with gifts, so everyone always knows what I'm gonna get them before I get it, that way I know they'll love it. ^^
Hokay (oh god, even [i]I've[/i] started to talk like them!), so on to today... My dad woke me up and was like "Sarah! Jade's on the phone, she wants to go do something." And I was just like "Murrrrg... Hello?" lol! So ya, she wanted to meet me at the Rideau Centre in an hour (1 o'clock). I quickly got dressed, then told my dad where I was going. He was just like "Um... Let's talk about this for a minute..." and tried to talk me out of going, because I'd be taking the bus downtown all by myself. I mean, holy crap, I'm not 2 anymore! I'm 16! Let me gooooo! So he agreed to let me go, then he stalled me even longer by going over the bus schedules about a thousand times each. Then, just as I was gonna go out the door, he started fighting with me about wearing a coat. Oy! It was +1 out, [i]NOT[/i] COLD! By the time I got to the bus stop it was already 12:30. I knew I wouldn't make it for 1.
I took the 111 to Baseline, where I saw Edith and Gabby waiting and smoking. They both happened to be getting on the 95 as well (the bus I was taking), and I figured they were going to Rideau, too. Then I started to wonder if Jade had invited them, or if she even knew that they'd be coming. So I got to Rideau (Jade didn't invite them), and Colin was there. She told me that Steven might be showing up later, but she wasn't sure.
We kind of just wandered aimlessly for a little while, not really doing anything. We ended up on the very top floor, where the theatre is and we checked out the movies. Taking Lives was playing, and it was only 14A (I thought it was R, but w/e). We decided that we'd go see the 4:20 show later. Then Colin decided he was hungry; so we went down to the main floor to the food court. Jade started gawking at this goth guy there, which was really amusing (if you know Jade, you know why I found it friggin' hillarious). Colin took forever to get his food, mainly because he wasn't in line. Stalling! Omg - we saw the cutest little baby ever! Eeehehehe! I wanted to steal it and run away! Sooooo cute! lol!
K, so after we left we were just wandering around again, and then Jade saw another hot guy walk past us. She was just like "Omg! Sarah, you [i]have[/i] to see his face!" and she hooked her arm with mine and ran up ahead of him and pulled me over to this shirt and we pretended to be looking at it as we [i]really[/i] looked at him... Only the shirt was for a 4 year-old! So... It was kind of obvious we weren't interested in the shirt. ^^' After he was gone I doubled over laughing so hard. Aw man, it was [i]bad[/i]! Hahaha!
Okay - we have replaced the word "elevator". It is no longer in my vocabulary. It has been replaced with "elemufulator". Colin called it that and I was like "Dude!" So ya, that's my new word. Ooh - I saw Ryan there! I ran up behind him and pet his hair and he was like "What the... Oh, hi Sarah." lol! I [i]always[/i] pet his hair whenever I see him! XD ...He has very soft hair.
Jade and I were just like "We need new clothes!", so we went into every clothes store we came across. Poor Colin! He was bored as hell! We didn't actually buy anything in those stores, because they were for preppies; but it was fun making fun of 'em! We came across BlueNotes, and I found this really kick-ass shirt. It's black and it says "Psychotic" on it! Perfect! I didn't know if I would need a Medium or a Small, so I tried them on in the change room; small (Wow, I'm a small? Freakish!).
As I was standing in line to pay for it (oh ya, I got it! XD) Steven and Erica popped up. Urg... I [i]really[/i] didn't want Erica there. I hate her with a passion. Jade didn't even want her there; Steven just brought her along. We went up to the top floor and hung out on the roof. I told Steven about the Zippo I'm getting, and the one I was thinking about getting him. He got very excited, so that's what I'm getting him for his birthday. Freakish thought... Steven's going to be 17 next month... His favourite number - YAY!
Some people I kinda know, kinda doin't randomly appeared and hung out with us on the roof. I don't remember their names. Eh, they kind of bugged me, anyways. I didn't really have fun when I was hanging out up there; mainly because of the two people I didn't know and Erica. They were like flies, buzzing around your head that are [i]impossible[/i] to get rid of. Everyone was apparently going over to Erica's house after, and Colin decided to join and abandon Jade and I for the movie. He didn't care to see it, anyways.
Steven was more or less acting like his old self today; 'cept when he would occasionally tell Jade that he would fuck her - even though he has a girlfriend. Ya, nice commitment there, bud. Let's just hope you weren't making those jokes when you were with me!
"One for Taking Lives!" LOL! Jadey and I left the crowd to go see our movie at about 4:10ish. And I discovered that I'm no longer afraid to talk to the people behind the counter. I mean, they're just regular people. BREAKTHROUGH! lol!
The movie itself was really good! Very messed up, but good none the less! I highly recomend it to people who like having their minds fucked with. I plan on buying it when it comes out, that's for sure. I'm not going to talk about the actual movie, because I know a couple people who are going to read this don't want me ruining it for them. So... *Zips mouth shut*. Murffle mrrph hurf! *Unzips mouth* Much better!
It ended at about 6:15, and by then it was already dark out. *Evil laughter*. Jade caught her bus first, and mine came literally [i]seconds[/i] after hers drove away. Took the 95 to Baseline, then on the 111 going home I saw Andrea. Well, I only noticed her when she called out my name just as I was getting off of the bus at my stop. lol!
My poor baby! My mom took him to the vet again today because his face was all swolen ([i]another[/i] infection); they had to drug him up, shave off the fur on his face and drain all the pus in his cheek. :( ! He's still out of it and can hardly walk. I wonder why he's been getting so many infections, lately... Or why he's getting into so many fights! *hugs kitty* Poor Zeus... The life of a fighter, eh?
That's all from me for today; I'm actually really tired. And THANK YOU JADEY!!! I so desperately needed to get out of the house. I think I had too much fun for my own good, though! LOL! Later. :twisted:
Why can't everything just be easy like it was when I was 5?
Every time I think to myself "I'm going to be okay..." I take a step back. It's like I can't move on. I want to, believe me, I do. I've been trying so hard to forget how much I love him, but I can't. You can't just tell your heart to forget and move on. ...Why not? I'd give anything to feel... well, [i]normal[/i] again. I don't need to be happy, I wouldn't know what to do with my happiness; but I can't keep going on like [i]this[/i].
I'm suffering. It seems like everything I look at or do reminds me of him. It's been nearly 3 months already, but I just can't get over him.
No one seems to even notice or care if I'm upset about it anymore, either. It almost feels like they've given up on me. Either that or they're just tired of having to put up with me so depressed all the time, dragging everyone down. Don't get me wrong, there are a few who still let me know that they're there for me; it just feels like I don't have as much support as I used to.
Is it right for me to still be upset? Or should I already be over everything? I mean, hell, he is. Shouldn't I be as well? I feel like such a failure. I can't even get over a guy properly! FUCK!
Kayla - for the longest time, the look on your face alone when you saw the cut I made a while ago kept me from doing it again... Tonight it just wasn't enough. I'm sorry. ...But don't worry, it's not as bad as last time. Just a little scratch. I'll blame my cat for it.
I'm weak. I'm probably the weakest person I know. I'm not alive for myself, I'm alive for everyone who loves me; and I'm not stupid, I know I'm loved. But sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I need a reason to be here that's for [i]me[/i], not for anyone else. I need to be happy with who I am and where I'm going in life.
I guess I learned [i]something[/i] from Stacey. One day she asked me why I was seeing her, I told her because Steven wanted me to. She looked at me dissapointedly and said "You can't be here for anyone else but yourself; because you can't be helped, unless [i]you[/i] want to be." And it was true. She didn't do a thing for me. I didn't [i]let [/i]her help me. And, truth be told, I still don't want help. I've been like this for so long, that this is just who I am - and getting help would mean becoming someone I'm not.
Have I began to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, I will never truly be happy? No... I can't pretend that there aren't periods in my life where I can actually relax and have fun. I go out with my friends, laugh, be stupid... But they're rare, and it never lasts long. It's a sign of me getting better, I suppose. But to me, it just means the drop down to depression is only that much further.
I feel like this is one giant dream - that I'll soon wake up six months ago, and this'll never have happened... Almost like having a second chance. Only, I'll never be given a second chance. I'm surprised someone even bothered to give me a first chance. I'm such a FUCKING FAILURE!!!
If I were a horse, you'd shoot me. Aren't you glad I'm human? *sighs* ...
Okay, so today wasn't as shitty as the past few have been... XP
Last night I watched Don't Say a Word - I love that movie! Hehehe, I'm glad I bought it yesterday! Steph's friend called last night to ask if she could come over today because she was going to be going to a party at about 5pm, but could only get a ride into this area at noon (she lives out in the country). So I guess I got my little wish after all, since Dorothy is also my friend, too. Yay!
I woke up this morning and the very first thing I did after I crawled out of bed was ask if Dorothy was here yet... The door bell rang just after I finished asking. I was just like "Aw shit!" and had to quickly get dressed before she came upstairs. Hahaha! That's what I get for sleeping in, I guess. She brought a little photo album of her friends from her new school (she just recently moved to the country), and she showed us pictures of her two cats and her dog! Sooooo cute! And she's going to be getting her own horse soon, too. XP
Today was the first time I've seen her since Hallowe'en. It's been too long! But Hallowe'en was a lot of fun this year, much more fun than the year before. Urgh! This year I got to sit in a coffin and hand out candy. ^^ *dances* It was a really cool coffin, too - my uncle Charlie built it just for me! Hahaha!
We showed Dorothy some videos on albinoblacksheep.com, then we watched some of the funny clips Dan burnt onto CD for us. Then we decided to play the Sims and make the characters based on us. We used cheats and gave ourselves over 6 million dollars, then spent the entire time she was hear just designing the house! We never did actually get to playing. lol! Isn't that sad? I actually like designing the houses more than I like playing the game. It's like... you get to shop, but you aren't spending your own money. It's great!
Aw man, whenever Dorothy and I are together we get incredibly hyper and don't stop laughing! It was insane; as we were designing the house we would buy stupid things like... We put mistletoe in the bathroom and laughed so hard it hurt. We're a dangerous mix - lol!
My kitty got into [i]another[/i] fight last night. Half of the inside of his left ear is just a giant scab. The back of his neck is beaten up quite a bit, as well. Poor baby! He hasn't even fully recovered from his last fight, either! Well, I guess I can't feel [i]too[/i] sorry for him, because chances are he started the fight.
Dad got Unreal Tournament 2004 today. Not the demo, the actual game. Hehehe! He was going to give me his old UT 2003, but I prefer the old maps on the original game, so he's going to borrow it from his friend and put it on my computer. I used to be obsessed with that game! Then he needed to rebuild my computer and he had to re-install all the games; only he never put UT back on because he lost his original copy. *shakes fist*. But that's okay now that I'm going to be getting it back! YAY! I get to [b]kill[/b] things without going to jail! A dream come true!
I wanted to take another walk after dinner today, but my mom was being evil. She told me I could only sit on the front steps *growls*. I didn't, though - I sat on the dumpster. Yes, I'm a rebel :roll: .
You know what? I can't wait until I move out. I want to have a place of my own, even if I am sharing it with roommates. Y'know what? I think that'd be half the fun of moving away - living with different people for the first time ever. I guess I just want a new... adventure? (For the lack of a better word.). Some sort of change! I just want to move, I think. Like, my family moved right now, I'd be okay for a while. But right now I'm kind of wanting a new place. I mean, I love this area; I've been here since I was 3. I'd be very upset if we had to leave... But that's just the thing, I've been living here almost too long now.
Nearly every one of the "original" neighbours either [i]have [/i]moved or [i]are[/i] moving. There are only three left! Kevin's family, Krista's family, and Kelly's family (all K's... Odd). Brian's family is moving sometime soon; and after them, Kevin's family is the only other who's lived here longer than us! The field is the only reason I put up with living here. If it weren't for that, I'd be begging to get the hell out every day!
I want to go shopping soon; I need new clothes. My entire wardrobe is fucked up. I never have anything to wear... So... Ya. ^^'
Oooh, [i]just[/i] because I can... here's a song for all of you! [i]Dance! Dance![/i]
[b]Magic Carpet Ride[/b] [i]Steppenwolf[/i]
I like to dream yes, yes, right between my sound machine On a cloud of sound I drift in the night Any place it goes is right Goes far, flies near, to the stars away from here
Well, you don't know what we can find Why don't you come with me little girl On a magic carpet ride You don't know what we can see Why don't you tell your dreams to me Fantasy will set you free Close your eyes girl Look inside girl Let the sound take you away
Last night I held Aladdin's lamp And so I wished that I could stay Before the thing could answer me Well, someone came and took the lamp away I looked around, a lousy candle's all I found
Well, you don't know what we can find Why don't you come with me little girl On a magic carpet ride Well, you don't know what we can see Why don't you tell your dreams to me Fantasy will set you free Close your eyes girl Look inside girl Let the sound take you away
I never thought I'd say this, but... I want to go back to school! URGH!!!
I'm still cold, even though I've been home for about an hour! I get cold so easilly... But I prefer it much more over being hot. I [i]hate[/i] the heat! lol.
Haha, my mom just called me into her room (right after I wrote that lil' paragraph) to see Zeus - he was curled up on a pile of blankets on the floor in their room sleeping. She wanted me to get him off of them because she needed to make the bed and she thought he was just too cute to move. Oy! ^^ So now he's sleeping on my bed. *glomps kitty*
Ah yes, so about my day. Well, I just randomly decided that I wanted to go to Carlingwood Mall with Steph, because I was going to get paid today for working at the Golf Show. We had to wait a couple [i]hours[/i] for my mom to [i]finally[/i] get home and pay me; but it was okay, because she drove us to Carlingwood as well. I really wanted to by a Zippo, and they even had the one I wanted there (silver with a yin yang on it), but the lady at the counter said you had to be 19! I was like "Wtf? Then how did Kayla...? URGH" So I'm going to drag Chris to Control Wear some day soon and get him to buy it for me. Aw man, I was so pissed, too!
I just kind of figured "Well, okay, since I can't buy that, I'll buy the F11 hoodie I've always wanted!" And I looked around for it, but it was nowhere! The [i]only two reasons[/i] I wanted to go shopping today, and I couldn't get [i]either[/i] of them!!! *dies*. Steph and I went to Music World (Did you know that they don't have Music World in Victoria? I DID!) and I decided that it would look weird if I went home empty-handed after making such a big fuss about going shopping today. I looked trough the movie section (there really was no CD I felt like buying), and I stumbled across Don't Say a Word. It's always been one of my favourites, so I bought it.
The bus ride home was absolute hell. It was freezing cold, the busses were all late, and [i]that's[/i] when Steph decided to start bitching at me for smoking. I even told her that I'm trying to quit, but she didn't care - she got all huffy and bitchy like she always does when she's mad at me. That's why you can never go shopping with family. At least not her. You can't shop with Steph without her going all bitter by the end. Something you do will [i]always[/i] piss her off and she'll be all like "Wah wah wah, I wanna go home now!". I mean, I love her 'n all, but GEEZ!
Dude - this goes out to all my friends: TOMORROW I DON'T WANT TO STAY AT HOME! SOMEONE [b]CALL ME[/b] OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE [b]I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE! [/b]lol! Ya, I just don't want to spend [i]another[/i] day sitting around my house. This is the March break! That shitty shopping trip was the[i] first[/i] thing I did outside of the house! SAVE ME!!! hahaha! ...I want to see a movie.
Oy... What a shitty, shitty break. Someone shoot me right in between the eyes, PLEASE! Seriously, I am going through hell.
*Shakes fist* Damn tBlog! "Back in 30 minutes" my ass! *sobs* Well, better late than never, right? I have a bit of catching up to do...
Pretty much right after my last two entries (on Saturday), Dan started talking about this new person he met through DA (that's how he met me). Her name was Leah, and she reminded him of Steph. I just thought of Steph's old best friend from grade one, and wondered if it could be her... She moved away after grade one and they never spoke again, quite depressing. He sent me the link to her art gallery, and she had a picture of herslef up... I literally screamed. It was her! Omg, I don't know how, but I just [i]knew[/i] it would be! Today Steph's off to go meet her again for the first time in 8 years.
My day yesterday was quite dull; I didn't do anything and I didn't go anywhere. Steph was off working at the Golf Show, so I didn't even have her to talk to. No one was on MSN pretty much all day, and tBlog was down. I ended up going on Gaia and drawing a bit. I have two new drawings up, and I took a picture of myself and posted all three of them in my DA gallery (the first link on the left). Check 'em out. Hehe ^^.
Last night Steph and I just started talking quite a bit. We started at about 10:30pm, and continued until 1am. We haven't done that in a while, so I'm glad we did. We talked about anything we could think of for the first few hours, then somehow we got on the topic of Steven and I ended up crying.
I was just talking about how I have nothing but good things to say about him, and he has nothing but bad things to say about me. And it's true. Whenever I talk to him he's always bitching at me for one thing or another. Like, for example, when Colin was mad at me, I asked Steven if what Colin was saying was true. Steven just replied "Sarah, you're mean. You're mean to everyone, and they're scared of you. They don't tell you they care because they're scared you're going to go psycho on them!" And he went on and on about how much of a horrible person I was. Then the other day he just made a comment on how nice he was, and all I said was "Ya... You really are [i]too[/i] nice...". I don't have a bad thing to say about him, but all he can do is complain about me.
According to everyone else, I'm not a horrible person. THANK YOU!!! Some people even think that the qualities he's bitching about are [i]good[/i]! Like Mal - just today she wrote a paragraph telling me that my honesty is a good thing! Here, I'll post it:
[i][b]Sarah:[/b] You are so amazing. So strong. So beautiful. So.. AMAZING. I mean, what else can I say. You've just been so amazing. What strength I've seen radiate from you. You're not afraid to say what needs to be said. And you're not afraid to stand your ground either. You feel a certain way, and you make sure people know it. And you don't suppress it just because people ask you to. I think that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.[/i]
Are these [i]bad[/i] qualities? Mal doesn't seem to think so! I don't either. I love who I am! And I'm sorry Steven, if you don't, you can shove it up your ass for all I care! Wait, no, I take that back - I'm [i]not[/i] sorry. I am who I am. Deal.
And Mal; [i]thank you[/i]! I was always feeling so bad about who I am, because of people like Steven telling me that they're horrible qualities. You made me realise that they aren't - and I can only be myself, and that's who I am. No one has to take it, but they choose to. I know I put everyone though a lot of shit, but they keep sticking around. Why? Because they love me. I'm not forcing anyone to be my friend, they can tell me to piss off if they want to! I have a very loud personality; that doesn't mean I'm a loud person, just very [i]out there[/i]. People seem to love that, so why should I change for the few that don't?
My sister brought up a very good point to me last night while I was crying. She told me that his opinion shouldn't matter, because he's pretty much the only one saying it. Why should his "vote" matter more than everyone elses? He's one person vs. all of my friends and family - he's [i]extremely[/i] outnumbered! And you know what? I don't care what he thinks anymore. To him I may be a mean and cruel person, but to everyone else I'm simply Sarah. GO ME!
I've also noticed that most people focus on negative things about people. They decide a person is bad only by the things they do wrong. What about all the things they do right? Say there's this secritary, and she's been working for her boss for a year or two now, with flawless work. One day, she forgets to send out this important business letter, and the boss gets pissed off and fires her. She slipped up ONCE and she's out of a job. Is this fair? What about the year of wonderful work? Did that never happen?
...Um, this is just an example, it didn't actually happen. Not to anyone I know, anyways. It's all going back to Steven. He only ever focused on the negative things I did; what about the year I spent loving and supporting him while he had cancer? Did [i]that[/i] never happen?
Wow, that's enough bitching about Steven for one day!
It seems like everyone's so much happier these days, which is absolutly [i]wonderful[/i]! Both Jade and Mal are extremely happy and just enjoying life, and it's so much fun just to see them like this! Happiness is contageous, especially from those two! Just [i]talking[/i] to either of them makes me laugh. I'm so glad they're both in my life. Ah, I don't know where I'd be without them... 8)
Steph and I were talking last night... Like I already mentioned (just kind of going back to that topic right now...) and after I was done crying about Steven, we started talking about when we were in BC. We were pretty much on the same page about everything on that trip. We both had a blast in Vancouver and Whistler for the first few days, but HATED being in Victoria with dad's family.
Steph was dragged around everywhere by Rachel and Spencer, and I got left all alone and just kind of wandered around by myself. According to my uncle John, I was at that "awkward" age, where I couldn't talk to the adults, and couldn't play with the kids. It was true, and it was boring. Steph actually told me she would have given [i]anything[/i] to trade spots with me! I suppose baby-sitting a 9 and 7 year old for a week and a half wasn't too much fun for her. I guess that made me greatful that I was the "odd one out", but it was still boring as fuck.
She and I also talked about the individual famliy members out west. Uncle Dave, we've heard nothing but bad things about him from our mom and dad, so we're kind of biased; and the same goes for uncle Rob.
Uncle John was just a wee bit annoying; I don't know why, but Steph also found that he was, too; so it wasnt' just me. Aunt Mel... Well, she's a "treasure". Very nit-picky and snotty, kind of like Rachel. Oy... Rachel and Spencer... Steph and I [i]both[/i] wanted to strangle those fucking brats until their faces turned purple! And now they have a new baby sister, Emma. We didn't get to see her when we were there this summer, because she wasn't born until January 14th. We don't even know what she's like, so we can't have an opinion.
Now, our cousin Kira, Steph and I both love her (uncle Dave's daughter). She's got a very rare disease that the doctors don't even know what it is. It's basically... if you can have it, she's got it. It's very sad, and she's going through a lot. We almost lost her a year ago... But she's still holding up. Be strong. We only got to see her once on our entire trip, because she had to go to her mom's. Evil bitch, we were only in Victoria for a little over a week and [i]THAT'S[/i] when she decided to take her??? Urgh... People like [i]Peggy[/i] piss me off so damn much! (Ya, I don't even call her my aunt).
Then there's Grumpa and June. Those two were the only people I actually got along with while I was out there. If I were talking to anyone, it was them. I pretty much didn't talk to anyone else. Mainly because I'm the "female version" of my father, and he's the younger clone of my grandpa. So... basically - I am my grandpa. Hehe! And June is an awesome person. She's not my grandmother, nor will she ever be, but I'm still glad she's in our family! I'm glad grandpa found her again; they were high school sweethearts, but then my grandpa moved away and they hadn't seen each other until a couple years ago. They got married, and have been living "happily ever after". It's almost like out of a fairy tale. ^^!
I probably greatly dislike nearly everyone on my dad's side of the family because I didn't grow up with them. On my mom's side, I love everyone. There is not one person I hate. I mean, sure, there are a few I don't really know; like my cousin Rick. But that's only because he's 24, and we don't have much to talk about since he's about 8 years older than I am.
The cousins I see the most are my mom's only sister's sons; and we get along magically. Jim's about 21, but we still have a lot to talk about because I got to see him more than Rick, so I know him more. Geoff is either 18 or 19, and he's just a really fun person to be around (and anyone who's ever met him would agree). Dan's 16 or 17 now, and he's the quiet one. He doesn't talk much to anyone at family reunions; but last time I saw him I managed to "crack his shell" and get a conversation out of him. He's grown a lot since we were kids. And finally, there's Peter. What a character! He's 15 now, and he's probably one of my best friends. We talk often, since I have him on my MSN, and he knows a fair bit about me. When we were younger, I honestly didn't imagine us getting along, since we're so different - but I guess that's why he's so great! lol!
My mom had 7 kids in her family, including her, so I have a lot of cousins, uncles and aunts. The only ones that don't live in Ottawa are my cousin Andrea and her mom (my mom's brother, my uncle, is dead). My cousin Sherri, Rick's younger sister, moved to Toronto for University - and I'm not too sure, but I think Rick did as well.
Everyone else lives here, fairly close to me. Like my Grammy - she lives just a couple blocks down the road! She's getting older... But you can't tell by looking at her that she's nearly 80; you'd swear she was 65. I never got to know my grandpa, though - he died about a month before I was born. My uncle died just before my sister was born. I really wish I could have gotten to know them...
Hm... I've been thinking too much again, haven't I? Well, this is what blogs are meant for - you type what you're thinking, and I have a lot on my mind apparently. ^^
K, this survey was so fun, I had to do it more than once! So yes, I did it 5 times. Hahaha! Go me! Enjoy!
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[i]Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:[/i] [b]Finger Eleven[/b]
Are you female or male:[i] Complicated Questions[/i] Describe yourself:[i] Sick of it All[/i] How do some people feel about you:[i] Drag you Down[/i] How do you feel about yourself:[i] Thin Spirits[/i] Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Obvious Heart[/i] Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Absent Elements[/i] Describe where you want to be:[i] Thousand Mile Wish[/i] Describe what you want to be:[i] Awake and Dreaming[/i] Describe how you live:[i] Shudder[/i] Describe how you love:[i] Panic Attack[/i] Share a few words of wisdom:[i] Stay and Drown[/i]
Aw, I had so many options! I didn't know which song titles to pick for what!
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[i]Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: [/i] [b]Prozzak[/b]
Are you female or male:[i] Pretty Girls[/i] Describe yourself:[i] Wild Thing[/i] How do some people feel about you:[i] Sucks to be You[/i] How do you feel about yourself:[i] Strange Disease[/i] Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Introduction to a Broken Heart[/i] Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Lonely American Nights[/i] Describe where you want to be:[i] New York[/i] Describe what you want to be:[i] Hot Show[/i] Describe how you live:[i] Monday Morning[/i] Describe how you love:[i] w w w. nevergetoveryou[/i] Share a few words of wisdom:[i] It's not Me it's You[/i]
I chose Prozzak because all of their songs are so depressing... hehe.
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[i]Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: [/i] [b]All American Rejects[/b]
Are you female or male:[i] Why Worry[/i] Describe yourself:[i] One More Sad Song[/i] How do some people feel about you:[i] Your Star[/i] How do you feel about yourself:[i] My Paper Heart[/i] Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Too Far Gone[/i] Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Swing, Swing[/i] Describe where you want to be:[i] Drive Away[/i] Describe what you want to be:[i] Happy Endings[/i] Describe how you live:[i] Time Stands Still[/i] Describe how you love:[i] Don't Leave Me[/i] Share a few words of wisdom:[i] The Last Song[/i]
Wow, I had [i]just[/i] enough songs to fill it out, and it works!
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[i]Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: [/i] [b]Linkin Park[/b]
Are you female or male:[i] From the Inside[/i] Describe yourself:[i] Nobody's Listening[/i] How do some people feel about you:[i] Breaking the Habbit[/i] How do you feel about yourself:[i] Forgotten[/i] Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Pushing me Away[/i] Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] By Myself[/i] Describe where you want to be:[i] Somewhere I Belong[/i] Describe what you want to be:[i] One Step Closer[/i] Describe how you live:[i] Lying from You[/i] Describe how you love:[i] Numb[/i] Share a few words of wisdom:[i] Easier to Run[/i]
That one had to have been the hardest one to figure out! And for some reason, I expected it to be the easiest... *shrugs*
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[i]Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:: [/i] [b]Korn[/b]
Are you female or male:[i] Pretty[/i] Describe yourself:[i] Freak on a Leash[/i] How do some people feel about you:[i] Wake Up[/i] How do you feel about yourself:[i] Make me Bad[/i] Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Falling Away From Me[/i] Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:[i] Beg for Me[/i] Describe where you want to be:[i] Reclaim My Place[/i] Describe what you want to be:[i] Dead[/i] Describe how you live:[i] Got the Life[/i] Describe how you love:[i] Am I going Crazy?[/i] Share a few words of wisdom:[i] My Gift to You[/i]
Bah! I only had 2 CD's to choose names from! Oh well, better than nothing!
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Thats it, that's all. That was a fun way to cure my boredom for a while! Later.
Ahh! I have a headache! I've been on my feet and talking to golf-freaks all day. Oww... Well, it was worth it, though - I made $72. I woke up at 7:30, no sleeping in for me! *whimpers*. It's not fun waking up that early 6 days in a row. At least now I have an entire week to chatch up on my sleep. Ah, I absolutly loved my "uniform"; a dark green golf shirt that says "Ottawa Golf" on it, and black pants. Tres snazzy. My dad and I left at about 8. He pulled into a parking lot near our destination and gave me a driving lesson before we headed off to work. Yay! I didn't expect him to do that this morning. lol.
There was this thing where the first 150 kids in line would be given a free kids golf club. It was clever, because not many people come out first thing when the Golf Show opens at 9am. That got them to come earlier. There was a lot of cute little kids walking around with mini-golf clubs - hehe!
I spent the morning stuffing brochures with incerts and handing them out to random people and answering their questions about my dad's work. It got very boring and repetitive quite fast.
Noon finally rolled around, and my dad wanted me to get myself lunch - so he kind of forced me to take a lunch break because I hadn't eaten all day. I went and looked a the food they were offering at the caf they set up, and went back to the booth. Nothing good. I wasn't hungry anyways. I got myself a chocolate bar some time during the day; and I also went on a drink run.
My mom called on the cellphone while I was stuffing the last of the brochures. I don't even know why she called, just to say hi, I guess. Then she starts going on "Don't forget to ask [i]them[/i] questions, too! Remember to do this, and to do that - blah blah blah!" And I was just like "K, mom... How about [i]I[/i] do [i]my[/i] job, and [i]you[/i] do [i]yours[/i]?" she laughed and replied "I guess I deserved that!" hehehe!
Quite a few people I saw there I already knew through my dad; but I got to meet a lot of people that he's been talking about over the past while for the first time. Those guys are great. Hehe.
The entire day was kind of slow; there was never one big rush like there was last year. It was supposed to peak between noon and 3pm, but it never did. It was spread from 11am to 3pm. After that it just went dead. One of my dad's friends came up and just said "Hey, where is everyone? Sarah! You're supposed to be the eye-candy!"; I just shook my head and laughed. Now that I think about it, I think someone made the same remark last year. I wouldn't be surprised if it was him.
Since no one was there, I got very bored... And when I get bored, my eyelids get heavy... So I fell asleep in the chair. I hear a loud *CLINK* and I shoot awake. I look down, and a penny was thrown at me! The people in the booth across from me threw a penny at me to wake me up - only it hit the leg of the chair instead! Hahahahahahaha! I just yelled back "FINE! I'm up, I'm up!" Fun times... lol!
Dad and I left at 5:45, 15 minutes earlier than we were supposed to; but we had Nigel to hold down the fort for us. No one was there anymore, anyways - so even he could have left if he wanted to. Mom had dinner ready for us when we got home, and then I went on my computer.
I was quite proud of how I worked this year; I was much more social and outgoing. Last year I was kind of shy and let Tyler do all the talking for me instead. This year he wasn't there to talk for me, so I was kind of forced to. When working, being able to start a conversation with a stranger is a good skill to have. Being more outgoing is something I still need to learn, but I'm getting better!
My parents are fighting again. I only noticed it when I heard a glass break. *sighs*. They fight over everything, now... Whenever they fight I remember my mom a couple years ago, screaming at my dad about how once both me and my sister have moved out, she's leaving him. For a while there it almost seemed to have gotten better... But things lately gone back downhill again. Enough about that, I'm making myself depressed.
Urg... I [i]really[/i] didn't want to go to school today! I practically [i]begged [/i]my mom to let me stay home and sleep. I kind of had to go for a few reasons, anyways, but I just didn't want to move!
The morning was an absolute waste of time! In Ancient Civs we finished watching Gladiator; and I forgot to sign out a text book so I can work on my assignment over the break! God damnit! In math we didn't do a thing; we just sat there and talked the entire class. Well, I didn't, but everyone else did. I just took out a piece of paper and wrote what I was thinking at the time. I'd type it all out, but that would: 1, be very boring for you to read; and 2, make me think about it all over again. Well, here, one quote: "[i]I'm afraid to touch him now; like if I do I'll be electricuted. He used to be my best friend... Now we hardly talk. I miss him[/i]."
We watched Shakespeare in Love in English class. Omg, only three people, [i]including myself[/i], showed up to English! It wasn't that bad, I guess, because I love Shakespeare's plays and I actually enjoied that movie when I first saw it. You take one look at me and you'd probably think I'd hate Shakespeare with a passion. I actually understand what's being said in the plays, and I found Taming of the Shrew funny (it is, after all, a comedy!). I both loved and hated Romeo and Juliet, though. It was a good book, but it angers me so! Hahaha! I mean, the entire book takes place in [i]two days[/i]! Romeo meets Juliet, they instantly "fall in love" and then kill themselves so they can be together; WHO FALLS IN LOVE IN TWO FREAKING DAYS??? And Juliet was only 12 or 13 (I'm pretty sure she was 12) - while Romeo was 16! And at 12, I'm pretty sure Juliet didn't know what love was, and Romeo was taking advantage of her innocence. I mean, just because someone has a crush on you doesn't mean they're your soulmate! Besides, you can't truly fall in love with a person [i]if you don't know who they are[/i] - they knew [i]nothing[/i] about eachother! It was lust, not love. What a waste of a life... REEEEE-TAAAAARDS!!!
...Aw man, did I go on my Romeo and Juliet rampage again? I always do this when someone even just [i]mentiones[/i] it! Most of the time they're not listening to what I'm saying - they're just shocked that I understood it enough to have an opinion. People don't think much of me, do they? ^^'
Lunch was quite dull; I just sat off to the side and didn't talk to anyone. I didn't feel like it. Steven would come over occasionally and give me a hug; and nearing the end Kayla and Chris came and sat next to me and just talked. I had careers in the library next, and Staci actually came today! And what shocked me most was that we actually did work *gasps*. That was the one class where I actually did something. I saw a really cute wrinkly puppy on a poster sleeping on a book with glasses on and showed it to Steven; then we faught over who would get to "keep" the puppy. Two weeks on, two weeks off - we share him, apparently. *shrugs*
Steven actually hugged me a lot today, which was weird. Well, you read that quote I wrote in math class! I guess he just pittys me. [i]Poor depressed Sarah, can't pick up the pieces of her broken life and move on. *boo*hoo*hoo*. [/i]Right.
In drama we played a really messed up game. I guess it was fun. I walked out of the basement knowing that was probably the last time I'd see my friends for a week. Well, not Kayla - I know for sure we're going to do something over the break. I went into Photography to see only 5 other kids in the class. It was the last class of the day, and nearly everyone was skipping. At first I wanted to leave, but then we all ended up talking as a group. Sasha got us on the topic of depressing novels because he was talking about how he needed to do a report over the break. Then we moved on to depressing movies; I brought up The Hours, and the only other person who had seen it was Ms.Coleman, so we talked about that for a little while. It was a really good movie. It made me cry! Hehe, but then again, I cry over everything. XP. Then we jumped from depressing movies, to horror movies! Yay! Keegan started making fun of Sasha because apparently, he's a little sissy boy when it comes to horror! You learn something new every day...
That class was probably the most fun I had all day. I got to talk to people I don't usually talk to; and I don't hate Sasha anymore! Ya, when I was in grade 9, we were both in the band. He sat right next to me, since we both played 3rd clarinet, and he bugged the hell out of me! He would hit on me and ask me out like, every day - and it wasn't that he was doing all this that bugged me, but that I knew he was doing it as a joke. That made my already low self-esteem drop more. Then last year I just never talked to him so my hatred went down to neutral, and this year we actually talk like civilized people; he's really nice, and fun to talk to... If you get passed his asshole-ness. lol!
Tomorrow I work all day. It should be fun. I still need to check with my dad to see exactly what I'll be doing there tomorrow. Oh damn, I need black dress-pants! Do I even own a pair? I could just wear my old band pants... I'll be working from 9am - 6pm. I got the longest shift out of all three days. Tyler (Nigel's son) got today, noon - 8pm. Steph gets Sunday, which is 10am - 5pm. I'm glad I get the longest shift, though - because that means I get the most money out of it. I'm gonna make $72 in one day *dances*.
Arg! MSN won't let me sign in! Sucks ass! *bangs head on desk* Hm... I brought up What Lies Beneath in Photography when we were talking about horror movies... I think I'm gonna watch that now. ^^
Depression comes in waves; strong ones if you're manic depressive like I am. Just yesterday I was happy, and today I was a little down... But tonight I was hysterical again. I was just remembering the best days I spent with Steven and I couldn't take it.
I'm out of control - I can't handle myself anymore. I'm slowly driving myself insane. I can't keep going on like this. I need to get away, for good this time. But I can't... I'm dying here, but I wouldn't survive anywhere else right now. I'm torn between two destinations. On one hand, there's BC - where everyone else wants me to go, and I guess I do too. Then on the other there's PEI - the one place I've ever felt at home, and where I really want to be. They both have their ups and downs, and I can't decide. I guess I should list pros and cons of both...
[b][u]BC[/u]:[/b] [b][i]Pros:[/i][/b] - I'll be close to my family; my dad's side lives in Victoria, and my parents and sister plan to move there eventually. - I've always wanted to live by the mountains, specifically Whistler; so Vancouver would be perfect. - Geoff plans on moving there. - It's bigger, so there would be bigger businesses so I can be a sucessful Accountant. [b][i]Cons:[/i][/b] - It doesn't snow, and I love the snow. - It's bigger, and I prefer smaller cities. - I don't know if it would feel like "home" or not... and I'll only find out if I move there. - It'd be very, very far away from everyone in Ottawa - but I guess that's kinda the point.
[b][u]PEI[/u]:[/b] [b][i]Pros:[/i][/b] - When I was there, I felt at home instantly, and fell in love with the beaches. - It's not hot during the summer, and I [i]hate[/i] the heat. - It's smaller, and I prefer smaller cities. - It seems like a great place to raise a family... That is, if I ever get married. [b][i]Cons:[/i][/b] - It's smaller, so there won't be as many jobs for me as an Accountant there. - Tourist season will be insane! - It's friggin cold during the winter, and it snows more than I'd like it to. - It'd be very far away from everyone else in my family; my mom's side will be in Ottawa, my dad's in BC, and my immediate family will be in either, depending on where everyone moves.
That's 4 points for everything! Well, I'm stumped. BC would be best for business, but PEI would be best for me. Then there's always that option "stay in Ottawa!" - but that just complicates everything more. I mean, sure I could stay, but I don't think I'd be very happy. *sighs* I'm still torn... Any suggestions?
I was talking to Steven on MSN a little over an hour ago, and he left to take a walk. I decided that sounded like a good idea, since I needed to clear my head. I grabbed my discman (OLP) and stole a smoke from my mom again, and stood in the entrance of the field. Better smoking than cutting, right? After, I walked around the neighbourhood a bit; then decided to render myself useful and took out the trash so my dad wouldn't have to in the morning.
...I'm just not. I realised that I'll end up doing dick all and be incredibly bored for the entire week. Unless, like, a friend friggin moves in or I do something with someone every single day, it's going to be dull. Arg. I don't want to go to school tomorrow... *moans* I hate this!
Oh ya! What did I get done yesterday? Well, I mentioned that I'd write about it today, so... I got my hair dyed! *dances* My mom told me right when I walked in the door "Oh, by the way - you've got an appointment at 4", which was shocking, because I only mentioned the day before that I wanted it done again! hahaha! My hair is now dark brown-red. Steph got hers done, too - bleached; her hair is off white! Still cute, though. ^^
Didn't have Ancient Civs today (it was day 4); Parenting first. I wanted to jump out of the freakin' window - we were watching Finding Nemo! AAARRRGGG!!! Steven was like "She's the only person I know who doesn't like that movie..." Um... Not quite, Steven - my entire family didn't like it! Hahaha! It was much too childish; those kinds of movies are only good if you grew up watching them as a kid.
In math class I put my head down to sleep, and listen to Mr.Marchilldon talk; then Mr.Bibeau comes into the classroom and I was just like *ears perk*. Apparently, Mr.Marchilldon nominated our class for something Merivale does like, once a week or something. It's called "Sundae School" - teachers nominate good students or classes and they get ice cream. Dude, we got ice cream sandwiches! Mr.Bibeau left and I went back to sleep. And we won... how? lol! Ooh, that reminds me... We have ice cream sandwiches in the kitchen! *runs down stairs* ... *sits back down* No ice cream sandwiches left, but I did get a fudgesicle! Yummy...
I had a bad flash back during math while I was sleeping... Let's just say it involved me, Mal, Erica and Jeff all at Shoppers Drug Mart last year. No grade 10 should ever have to do something like that!
I had a test in English, tres boring. She talked for about 15 minutes before the test like she always does, and we were all like "Miss, shut the fuck up and let us write the god damn test!!!" I didn't get to finish it because she talked so much! If she had've just shut up I would have been fine! ARG! *Urge to kill... rising!*
I went to the basement at lunch, and Steph, Krystal and Sam were all sitting at the oposite end of the hall way. They were avoiding their friends because they were singing and wouldn't shut up. Hm... sounds familliar XP. Steven came up and stole Krystal's hat and I was like "Dude! That's my job!" So I chased him down the hall and managed to steal it back. He pinned me up against a locker and tried to rip it off of my head. He did. I was using him pinning me against the lockers for support, so when he backed off I fell flat on my ass. Owww... He helped me back up, then gave me the hat and dissapeared.
I had no idea that today was Geoff's last day of school before he left! Oh well. The rest of lunch was kind of dull. So dull I don't even remember what happened... I begged Jade to come to Bio with me, because I didn't want to go alone, but she refused to. She said she'd go tomorrow, but we don't even have Bio tomorrow! Arg. Geoff walked me to my class and I hugged him goodbye, since he was supposed to leave around the end of lunch anyways. (I know you won't be able to read this for a while, but I hope you have fun! Yay! *shakes fist* You better remember to send me a postcard! lol!)
Dude, I'm gonna finally find out my blood type! Either on Tuesday or Wednesday after we get back from March Break, these people are going to come into my Bio class and give blood tests to everyone who wants one. *dances* I nearly found out my blood type last time I was in the hospital *ahem* but they didn't need to take any blood, so I still didn't know... But I will soon! YAY!
We were in the library for Careers today. Soooooo dull. Staci didn't go and I was like "Aw shyte, I'm gonna have to do two projects on my own now...". There are tables set up in the library, and I was one of the first people in there so I sat down by myself and waited. People started coming in, but no one sat at my table! I was so crushed! I mean, ya, the only two people I talk to on a regular basis is Staci and Steven, but I mean, am I really [i]that[/i] horrible? I guess so... *sighs*
Erica had the nerve to tell me that I was shallow! Right before I went into drama, I was commenting on how Steven needs a hair cut, or at least do something with his hair because it's wild. And she was just like "Well, I don't do anything special with my hair, because [i]I'm[/i] not shallow and vain. Looks aren't the most important thing to [i]me[/i]." [i]HOLY FUCKING BITCH[/i]!!! I wanted to jump on her and [i]beat the living fuck[/i] out of her tiny ass! :evil: !!! How am I shallow? Steven didn't have [i]any[/i] hair, and I still loved him! *Urge to kill... RISING!!!*
In drama class we watched all of the filmed preformances on the Luck be a Lady song thingie. They were quite entertaining, but very embarassing! After class I talked to Tom and Naomi for a bit, then walked home. Now I'm here, being bored, as usual. I'm not in the greatest of moods...
Dude! It's already Wednesday! It's nearly March break! YEEEEHAW!
Another day goes by, and this is my collection of memories gathered from the past 24 hours... (Yes, I realise my attempt at sounding sophisticated failed and only made me sound like a fag... [i]shuttup[/i]!)
...ANYWAYS! Last night I talked to Colin and we debated the stability of the earth. Humans are slowly destroying everything and everyone complains about it, but not many people do anything to change it. Sure, some do, but most just complain and bitch and expect others to do the dirty work. That's Colin.
I woke up, got a drive to school, then hung out in the basement for a lil' while before the bell rang. We continued to watch Gladiator in Ancient Civs. Omg - grossest movie ever! I have a very sensitive stomach, and I didn't cover my eyes in time enough in some parts. If I had've eaten breakfast, it would have come up! I watched Mal make a friendship bracelet in Parenting, next. Then Jade and I ate Kelsey's Crispers (not all of them!). Everyone at our table was dying of hunger, and I thought I had left my lunch at home; so I was counting my change to see if I would have enough to buy a lunch. It wasn't until math class that I realized that I had my lunch with me the entire time, and I ate it all. I was really hungry, for some reason. I had to do an in-class assignment that I had missed when I was on the field trip, but it was really easy. We got a test back (one from a long while ago); I got 100%. Go me! I love math class. Hehe!
Kayla got photos developed, and she had 2 or 3 of me (horrible pictures!!! Gaah!). We went down to the basement, and she disappeared. We all sat in a circle and out of nowhere I was like "MY BOOBS ARE ON AUCTION!!! WHO WANTS THEM???" Because I REALLY am unhappy with them right now, they [i]still [/i]hurt like a bitch! Geoff started the bidding wit $0.10, then Mal started up against him and her top bid was $5. Then Andrew went up against her with a bid of $11k. Him 'n Geoff bid against each other for a while, then Andrew won with infinity. Yes. He owes me a never-ending amount of money! *dances* You can have these sacks of pain! TAKE THEM!!!
Ooh, we also came up with a new saying. "Geologist" is code for "naked". Andrew was looking in a gamers mag. and there was one female character who was a geologist and it somehow morphed into a code word. Then it hit me... My uncle's a geologist! hahaha!
I wrote all of the above in Photography class. Today was our last day in the library and I didn't feel like working. I then realized that I hadn't wrote enough for me to post about it... So I emailed it to myself, and am continuing it now.
At about ten minutes to the bell, Staci comes into the library. Her first time in class for a while now. She sat down beside me and started crying. I was just like "Omg! Staci! No, don't cry!" *hugs*. Poor girl... I offered to skip Bio to hang out with her during her spare, which she had next, and that made her happy.
The bell rang and we went to find Jade, because we knew she wouldn't be going to Bio anyways. We found her outside in the front of the school smoking; Staci got out a cig of her own and I didn't really smoke. Well, I took enough in just to keep me going as I try and quit. I swear, it's been like a week (I'm proud) but I was about to explode. I should be good to go for another week.
I finally got to meet and talk to "Big Gay Matt"! Yay! I've heard so many good things about him, and I've seen him around, but I never got to talk to him before today. Ah, that guy is cool! He first started talking to me about my rings, then commented on how he wore two mood rings because he's bi-polar as a joke. Then we started talking about bi-polar disorders and how we both suffer from it. And out of nowhere he was just like "You're pagan, aren't you?" and I nodded, then he added "Ya, I can tell... I get these vibes." Totally cool. Hehe! So then we started talking about parents, and how his are very accepting and how mine could learn a thing or two from them (lol!); so then we moved onto the topic of homosexuality. That guy is so fun to talk to!
Staci got hungry, so Matt left and the three of us crossed the street to Harveys. Jade and I shared fries and Staci just ordered a bun (she doesn't like the veggie burgers, but she doesn't eat meat... oookay! ...I don't know how she [i]can't[/i] like the veggie burgers, but w/e. lol!). We sat in a little booth thing and just talked about how all three of us just want to get the hell out of the city after hs and start fresh and finally be ourselves. We actually talked about a lot of things, but most of them were very personal and I don't think they'd appreciate if I wrote about them.
The three of us went back into the school and Staci needed Mr.Spidel to photocopy her passport because she's going on the school trip to Europe over the March break. Jade walked around with her binder balanced on her head and claimed she had recessive African genes (inside group joke). XP! Careers was a snore and a half, not even worth writing about.
I was walking home, and I just got thinking... (I think a lot on those walks - I have nothing better to do for 15 minutes.). I remembered back in the summer of grade 8-9, I didn't think I'd live to start high school. I was sure I was going to die then and there. Now it's more than half way through grade 11 and I'm thinking "where [i]did[/i] the time go?". Everything went by so slowly when you were a child; a day seemed to last forever, and waiting an hour for something to bake in the oven was like waiting for a snail to cross a highway. Then you'd go and find a toy and completely forget about whatever you were baking; then an hour later you wouldn't even want it. Children are so impatient. But has that really changed? Slowed down, maybe, but everyone's always impatient. I didn't want to live; I wanted to drop dead then and there... Now I hardly recall why I was so mad at Jon. People need to learn to sit back and relax sometimes, because in the future you'll look back and laugh. Kinda like I am right now...
Wow, I was kind of all over the place there, wasn't I? Did that make any sense to any of you? I'd like to think I at least make a little bit of sense when I go on a typing spree. ...Speaking of Jon, I haven't talked to him since our birthday (we're both born Dec.01 - he's 15 hours older than me; lol!). And I haven't hung out with him since last year. Hehe - I fell on my ass on the ice by the gas station! Ah, memories... lol! He was always such a fun person to be around; that's probably why I "loved" him. I used quotes because I had very strong feelings for him, but I don't know if it was love or not. He never felt the same way, so I guess it doesn't matter now.
Woops - it's nearly 3:45! I must be going... places... I'd write about where I'm going and what I'm doing, but I want it to be a surprise for everyone at school tomorrow. I'll write about it in tomorrow's blog. :wink:
Remember those days when everything was so easy? You cry because you fell off of your bike, but you get back up with no sweat and keep on riding... Now if you fall, you stay on the ground crying for days, months sometimes. I'm still trying to help myself back up onto that bike, but I'm doing good so far. I've stopped crying, so I'm proud. I'm happy with who I am for the first time in about 6 years. But there are still some times when I just want to fall asleep and wake up 10 years from now. Everything gets more awkward with each day that goes by. Falling asleep and just letting it pass without a second thought would be easy... Too easy. Life is full of shit thrown at you to keep you thinking as your life goes on; just so your brain doesn't turn into mush, and you end up having to live a very, very boring life.
...Wow, I need to learn to shut up sometimes!
It turns out [i]I [/i]was Geoff's secret crush. To be honest, I wasn't surprised. I can't be with him, though. For a few reasons... I just don't feel the same way; to me, he's my brother. Even if I did, I wouldn't go out with him anyways; because both Kayla and Mal aren't over him and they're two of my best friends. And I don't even want to be in a relationship until well after College; I'm not ready for it. I just want to have fun being stupid and single while I'm still young and not stress over having a boyfriend. Just let loose and be free!
I have no idea what happened, though. First I was the loser-girl in the corner that no one talked to or even liked in the slightest. Then Steven came along and was the only person to show an interest in me. We were together for a year, and now that we aren't I'm like a fucking magnet! When I was looking, no one was there, but now that I'm not, they flock to me!
Enough about that; now to talk about my day today...
In Ancient Civs we started watching Gladiator. What a fucked up movie that is! I still say we should watch Life of Brian instead. hehehe! English was dull, as usual. In Parenting I just wrote notes back and forth to Jade.
Omg, ever since I woke up in the morning my boobs have been hurting like a bitch ever since, even when they aren't being squished or poked or anything. I'm sitting here at my computer right now and they're sore. I mean, wtf? Ow... I guess it's a good thing - it means I'm growing (yay!). ...But they still hurt like a bitch.
I hung out with Andrew at lunch and we debated a few different topics with Knockimov, StickKid and that little friend of Netchaev's that I don't know the name of. First it was the Christian religion, then gay marriages. Netchaev's friend announced he was against it and I was just like "I don't like you anymore..." *shakes fist* and then Knockimov was just like "Why? Are you gay?" And I just replied "Well, not [i]gay[/i], bi."; then Andrew just smiled and was like "Bi's are cool!"; I just glared at him and said "Of course [i]you'd [/i]think so!" and he just laughed. Hm... I think Andrew was the last to find out in our little group thingie. *shrugs*. Oh well! So then both Chris and Andrew decided to give me bear-hugs, and I was just like :shock: !!! "OW, FUCKIES!!!". Boobs... In... Total... [i]PAIN[/i]!!!
"They always say 'Let's still be friends' - that's like being freed from a kidnapper and them saying 'Keep in touch!'" Ah, Caroline Rhea... Where would we be without you? XP
Okay, so I had drama right after lunch... I talked to Kayla about what Geoff told me. When I told her that I didn't feel the same way, she just sighed and said "Not to be mean, but that actually makes me happy!" (or something along those lines). The class itself was [i]very[/i] STRESSFUL!!! Not only was Jeremy not there, but neither was April or Adam! The [i]only three[/i] people missing from the class, and they [i]all[/i] happened to be in [i]MY GROUP[/i]!!! Carl and Eric were both there, so their part wasn't tampered with, but I had to make up entire [i]god-damned-fucking-thi ng[/i]! Apparently, if you didn't already know, you couldn't tell that it was all on the spot. I guess I work okay under pressure. Today was our filming day, too, so that just added on to my severe pressure. I don't like being video taped, "the camera adds 15 pounds". I didn't look like a blimp, like I thought I would, though. So that was a relief. Andrew joined our class and helped Mr.Mo by starting and stopping the music as he filmed. After he was done he left and I ran out of the class after him and hugged him as a thank you for helping our class out. We then watched our class dance on TV... *faints* If only we had another day to practice... We could have done so much better! That class was the last time I smiled today; too tired to since. hehe.
My class was in the library again for Photography. I chose to do my project on Diane Arbus, mainly because she takes whacked-out pictures of transvestites and scary-looking children. lol! I was taking notes on her from this one book, and I got bored so I started flipping through her photos and I landed on one of a little flower girl in the fog and I was just like "Oooh, spooky!" so I started to sketch her in the margine of my notes. It didn't turn out as I wanted it to, but okay none the less. I won't be scanning it, though.
I hadn't eaten my lunch today because I was feeling kind of sick ever since last night, but I got kind of hungry by the end of Photography. So I got half of my sandwich from my locker and ate it on my way to Bio. I walk into class and Mr.Gibson has a cow's heart on his desk. WONDERFUL! I [i]just[/i] ate, too! I nearly threw up. He got everyone to circle around his desk and he described each part of it. I stayed at my desk in the back of the room. I turned to Leslie and said "I feel like being brave today..." And I got up and walked towards his desk. He lifted the heart slightly, and I looked at it... I turned on my heel and sat back down. Nope, couldn't do it. lol!
Near the end of class he did a demonstration on the air in a smokers lungs vs. the air in a non-smokers lungs. I would have gone up to do the demonstration, but there was no freakin' way I was going to admit to the entire class I was an occasional smoker! Dawn went up only because her parents smoke and second-hand smoke is just as bad (turns out I wasn't the only one who didn't want to admit that they smoked XP). They blew into a test tube with a clear liquid in it for 30 seconds, and Dawn's turned foggy, while (oh god, whats that guys name?) whatever-the-fudgies-his- name-is's was clear. He waited a little while and then told her that it was a joke. Whatever-the-fudgies-his- name-is was blowing into water, and that the liquid she had in her test tube reacted to carbon dioxide. hehehe!
Aw man, the girls who sit in the front of the class bug the hell out of me! These three asian girls sit front-row centre, and every time Mr.Gibson makes a really bad, corny joke, they turn to each other and laugh... Like he's speaking some language only they understand. It's almost like they think they're better than us stupid Canadians! *scratches out eyeballs* ...I'm a very catty person, aren't I? OH GOD!!! I'm turning into Mr.Gibson!!! *dies*
While I was walking home from school, I was thinking of my old best friend, Kelly. She was walking a few yards in front of me; we live in the same neighbourhood. After elementary school, we turned against each other. We were acting like total bitches in middle school; she would call me fat, and my friend Kevin and I would call her a melted Barbie doll. I don't even remember what happened to make us hate each other so. Now, in high school, we don't do anything; we don't insult each other anymore, but we don't talk, either. I just kind of thought today, how would she react if I caught up to her and sparked a conversation...? I've been wondering for a while what she's been up to lately; then I wonder if she's thinking about me. I've been thinking a lot lately about my childhood. ^^'
"I'm writing a song about love gone wrong... It's called '[i]I gave you lobster, you gave me crabs[/i].'" - I love my comedy! :twisted:
We took notes in homeroom... Very dull. I'm trying to remember if we did anything else... Nope, guess not. Then I had math. Omg! The guys in my math class are even worse gossips than the preppies! They talk about [i]anyone[/i] and [i]everyone[/i] during class! I get to learn some interesting things in that class just by listening to them talk... Hehehe... XP English was dull, we got a new in-class project (like we don't have enough!).
Lunch was fun, I got to shit around with my friends. Kayla, Geoff and I went crazy with quoting the G.I. Joe cartoon! I think we were irritating everyone around us (ya, that's what you get for quoting the shit on albinoblacksheep!) "Do you know my dad?" "OoOoOoOoh!"
Aw man, at the end of lunch I went to hug Chris goodbye and he picked me up like he always does when he hugs me (yay!) then I hugged Andrew and he did the same thing and I was just like "Dude! You can lift me?" in my head. Then he did it again and spun me around in circles and I nearly shit myself. Then Chris did, then Andrew again. I ended up falling onto the floor because I got so dizzy! I apologized to Andrew for being so heavy and he just replied "You aren't heavy - you're lighter than Katie [his sister]..." He told me her weight, or what he figures her weight was and I just laughed... I was [i]way[/i] heavier than her! I honestly don't care if people know what my weight is anymore, for some reason.
I mean, people can see my body shape anyways, it's not like I'm hiding anything by not telling them. I'm about 6ft tall and I weigh 175lbs. Go me! I'm borderline overweight, but I don't care. A lot of the weight is muscle mass in my legs from walking to and from school (my legs are[i] really[/i] strong) for 2 and a half years. I lose and gain weight really easilly, too, and it doesn't show unless it's a great ammount. See? My life is [i]definately[/i] an open book!
Biggest waste of time in the world: Careers class! We did nothing but take notes on ourselves! Honestly, I know who I am, I don't need to learn about me! ARG! Then Drama. I love that class! Apparently, tomorrow we're going to be in the caf on the stage preforming our dance in front of a video camera! Omg! I hope Jeremy goes tomorrow! Our group doesn't make sense without him! Gaah! So ya. We ran through the entire dance a few times, then went into our individual groups to practice our little routines. Our group has it down pat, 'cept we just need Jer, but other than that we're good. So we just kind of goofed around and danced on our own freely. Goofing off in that class is a hell of a lot of fun, but when you're constantly wearing a sweater, like I am, it can get pretty hot. I've actually started wanting to get involved with drama preformances, just because everyone always talks about how much fun they have, and I love being in drama class, and most of my friends are always doing [i]something[/i] with each production... BAH! I'm too late for this year, maybe grade 12. Hehe.
Today we were in the library for Photography. We were to be working on our (written) assignments. So that's when I told Erica and Greg about the little proposal Dan made me... Ooh! I still have to explain that! Okay, well, I was trying to set him up with Steph (even though I don't know if she likes him or not) then out of nowhere! Well, here, I'll type out the convo:
[u]Dan:[/u] Why don't [i]you[/i] date me if you're so desperate to set me up? [u]Me: [/u]Are you asking me out? [u]Dan:[/u] Do you want me to be? [u]Me:[/u] Not really, no... [u]Dan:[/u] Buddies then? [u]Me:[/u] What, you mean like [i]fuck buddies[/i]? [u]Dan:[/u] *shifty eyes* Ya! [u]Me:[/u] Um... no.
Oy! Sex without love isn't worth it... Unless I'll never see them again and therefore can't get attached. Damn, I can't wait until I go to England! lol! ...*ahem*
Ooh - first day of March break I'm working! On Saturday there's a golf show, and my dad's got a double-booth in it again (it's like, his 6th year there?). He owns OttawaGolf.com and I worked for him last year. I had to explain the online booking system and about he memberships, what-not. This year I'll be taking names and credit card numbers so people can buy memberships right there in the booth. *dances*. I'll be there all day, just like last year, making $8 an hour (ca-ching!). I'd take Sunday, too, but that's Steph's day. And I have to wear a uniform! Lol! A green Ottawa Golf shirt. Working there last year was fun, I got to meet one of Nigel's 3 sons, Tyler (he wasn't ugly, either *cough* ^^) ... (Nigel is one of my dad's business partners - he's British, so he's cool! lol!). Tyler's probably going to be 17 this year... He'll be there again this year, but, unfortunately, he'll be working on Friday only *sobs*. Oh and I also saw Shawn Kelly there, because he's big on golf, apparently. I didn't know that until he showed up. Steven visited me nearing the end of the day and he found some friends of his grandparents, I believe.
I want it to rain again; but [i]nooooo[/i] - it [i]snowed[/i] last night! Like we need [i]more [/i]snow! Let it be spring! Rain! lol!
I feel like I'm forgetting to write about something... Oh well, screw it. :wink:
You represent... naivete. So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at times, but it's only because you're not sure how to act. You give off that "I need to be protected vibe." Remember that not all people are good. Being too trusting will get you easily hurt.
Overall you're a pretty content person. At peace with yourself, you don't tend to over react. Although at times you can be quite harsh and cold towards others.
You have a fiery soul. You aren't the quickest to get angered, but when you do get angry things can go really wrong really fast. You are generally very passionate in the things you do. (Rate my test)
Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if? With a clever mind, you want to explore the world on a different level. Without the answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are most likely very creative and find yourself thinking things through on a different level. (please rate my quiz)
"And The Vampire was all that remained on the blood drowned creation. She attempted to regrow life from the dead. But as she was about to give the breath of life, she was consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the cycle began again."
Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek) and Isis (Egyptian). The Vampire is associated with the concept of death, the number 9, and the element of fire. Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic individual. You may be a little idealistic, but you are very grounded and down to earth. You realize that not everything lasts, but you savor every minute of the good times. While you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you have strong ties with people that will never be broken. Vampires are the best friends to have because they are sensible.
At about 3:20 Steph and I jumped onto the bus to go down to Baseline Station to meet Dan. I didn't know if Kayla would call, so I brought the cell phone with me just incase. We led him back to our house, then they ran up stairs to play Super Smash Bros Melee. Kayla called about 10 minutes after I got back in and said to meet them at Rogers at about 5:15. Okay. I played Soul Calibur and kicked Dan's ass for a little while until it was time for me to go.
My mom drove me to College Square, then went to the grocery store as I went into Rogers. I was looking through the Horror section when they jumped up from behind me. We didn't find a movie, so we decided to pick one from our "horror section". We got a drive back and my mom picked up pizza on the way back.
"So where are we going for dinner?" "[i]Fooooood[/i]!" "I'm happy with my orientation." "[i]How[/i] happy?" XD
Kayla and Geoff met Dan, then they played SC for a little while as Kayla and I tried to decide on a movie to watch. We all swarmed into my room and we watched the two best Foamy the Squirrel videos, then most of the G.I. Joe's.
"Aw, hell no - sup dog?" "Hey kid! I'm a computer! Stop all the downloadin'!" "PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!" "Look at me, I'm going so fast! ...AW, [i]FUCK[/i]!" *smacks*
We quoted those four lines soooo much that night! As Dan was trying to show us some new video, we blew a fuse and the entire top floor (other than the bathroom) lost all of its power! We were just like "Uh... KICKASS!" So we never did watch a movie (good thing, too, because we didn't know which one to watch!). We lit the collection of candles I have in my room then opened a window, and it was very eerie.
I glomped Dan, because he mentioned that last time I saw him I didn't actually *glomp* him... So I tackled him and we fell off the bed and crashed into my mirror! It hurt, but I couldn't stop laughing! So then I pulled out the Ouija board and we all sat in a very cosy circle on my bed. We tried to contact someone, but not everyone was taking it seriously *cough* so we decided just to play Truth.
Okay, the rest of the night I really can't tell you what happened because nothing left that circle. But I learned a lot about my sister, which was good, because she never told me anything! Hahaha! After playing Truth for a couple hours, we decided to play Dare... GAAH! Oh well, I only lost my [i]DIGNITY[/i] that night! LOL!
Kayla's mom came at 10pm, and drove everyone home. *sniffs* Why did you guys leave me so [i]early[/i]? *cries* lol! Steph and I watched the end of The Wizard of Oz on TV in the living room (where there was still power) with my mom. We were just like "Wtf? When did this happen?" - we hardly remembered anything! haha! I went up to bed after that and just talked to Steph more about whatever we could think of until about 12:30.
Steph went to bed and I continued listening to OLP on my headphones in the dark. My kitty slept at the end of my bed. Hehe, I love him so much! I just started thinking what would happen to him once I move out... Because, I'm not saying this to sound big-headed or anything, but he loves me most. He really does; when he was a kitten on the farm, and we went to go pick out a kitty to bring home, he chose [i]me[/i]. He walked up to me and I picked him up and put him on my shoulder and I listened to him pur in my ear. He hardly ever attacks me, and he's constantly attacking my sister and mom (he's too [i]afraid[/i] to attack my dad). I just don't know what's going to happen to him once I'm out of the house... He's lived in this neighbourhood for nearly his entire life (6 weeks on a farm before us), and moving him into an appartment would be cruel. Besides, I'm probably moving to BC anyways. I'll really miss him, too - because everyone who knows me, knows how much I love my baby! *sighs* I'll worry about it when it happens... I still have grade 12 and college to go through; so it's not like I'm leaving tomorrow.
I woke up and ta-da! Power's back on in my room! Yay! Ever since last night I've wanted to watch Muder By Numbers again, so I may just do that later today (Ryan Gosling - *drools*. He played Sean in Breaker High). Only it's on tape and I have a DVD player, not a VCR *shakes fist* So I'll probably have to watch it downstairs, or in Steph's room. Phooie!
Till we meet again, I presume. Ta! (I need to get me some Iced Tea!)
Wow - I never realised until now how PARANOID I really am!
Last night I was bored so I decided to finish watching that freaky squirrel cartoon thing that Colin sent me the link to (fucking hilarious!). I got about 2/3rds of the way through them and noticed it was hard to keep my eyes open. I just thought "Oh, it's only 7pm... I'll take a short nap." ...11 hours later, I wake up at 6am and think "Fuck that shit!" (to quote the Foamy, the Squirrel) and went back to sleep. I woke up at 11am. Dude, I got 16 HOURS OF SLEEP!!! I am a freak of nature!
I took a shower, not because I needed to, but because I felt like it. Ya, I do that sometimes. I was getting in and my mom walked by the open door... (I leave the bathroom door open because I'm scared of my shower... shuttup! I have my reasons!) I see her out of the corner of my eye and I scream and jump in. Then she screams and runs by... It was like "MOM!!!" "SARAH!!!" "GAHH!!!" Thankfully she didn't see anything... Just the blur of my giant pale ass! LOL!
I cut my ankle shaving... twice. The same one, too. It was like, dripping blood. It was really gross - bad cuts. It's a good thing I don't get woosy from seeing my own blood (just other peoples').
Yes, since nothing else has happened today, I'm going to explain why I'm totally freaked out by my shower... Ever since I was a little kid, like, old enough to go to the washroom by myself, I've been afraid of the shower. I'd always have to open the curtain so I could see everything inside the shower clearly before I sat down on the toilet. Believe it or not, I [i]still[/i] do that! Can you say [i]obsessive compulsive disorder[/i]? When I was little, I was afraid a witch would be hiding in my shower, that's why I did it. Now I'm just afraid that a rapist or an insane killer will be in there.
Now when I'm [i]taking[/i] a shower, I always peek out every three minutes or so, just to make sure no one is trying to sneak up and kill me. There were a few years where I couldn't take a shower without someone else in the room. No joke. Steph or Zeus would always have to sit on the counter as I took my shower! Just so I [i]knew[/i] I wasn't alone and could be protected if anyone could come in. Either that or I'd need a CD player blasting music just so I could hear voices, like they were talking to me. I know, I'm seriously paranoid. I still think like that sometimes, but I don't always need someone in the bathroom with me. Sometimes Zeus will jump onto the counter out of habit and waits until I'm done. He's such a sweetheart! *glomps kitty* ^^. But I still need the door open so I can hear familiar voices in the hallway. I refuse to take showers if no one is on the floor; they can be asleep, though - just as long as they're there. If I'm home all alone, I don't even leave my bedroom!
But then everything is thrown out the window if I'm depressed. When I'm [i]really[/i] depressed I usually retreat to the bathroom. I don't know why, probably because I'm close to water... For some reason, I've always had this image of me dying in my bathroom. That's probably why I'm scared of it on a normal basis, but if I'm depressed I welcome it. ...I really [i]am[/i] a freak!
[i]Change of topic![/i]
Now I'm just waiting until Kayla and Geoff are done working on their Religions project so we can meet up at Rogers in College Square, then come back here. Steph invited Dan over today, so it shall be interesting.
Ah, so today was our trip to the Museum of Civilization!
Today started like any other... My dad woke me by [i]screaming[/i] at me because I left the window open last night and the entire house was ice cold. Hehe, woops ^^'. It's not my fault! I opened it up a crack because it's damn hot in my room, then Zeus jumped onto my bed and pushed it open more so he could sniff the air! Blame the cat! Aw... But he's too cute!
I got to school early because my mom was giving my sister a ride so she could practice her dance for gym class. You remember that assignment, girls? I hated that! I'd rather have done wrestling like the guys; my group did Dancing Queen! We were the only group to not pick a "popular" main-stream song. I was at least proud of that.
Both plans I had for the morning before homeroom were destroied! lol! Jade forgot the tea, and Geoff didn't show up to show me his G1 mug-shot! *shakes fist* Someone better bring tea on Monday or I'll never be ready to go to England! hahaha! After homeroom, we all loaded onto the busses in the front of the school. I sat in front of Kayla and Matt next to Tamara. Bri and Megan, along with anyone else who knew the words, sang any song that popped into their heads. They sang songs I had forgotten years ago!
The very first thing we did when we got into the museum was watch the IMax film. It was about some ancient ruins in Mexico. *shrugs* It wasn't that great. I've seen better out of the IMax before; it wasn't very visual, like you'd expect from and IMax film. It was more like a documentary you'd watch on TV on a Sunday night because there's nothing better to do. Well, other people seemed to like it, so I'm glad someone got something out of it.
We had to answer questions (there was about 40 questions, too! Mr.VanDusen is insane!) on the Dead Sea Squirrels / Scrolls exhibit. They were a lot smaller than I thought they would be, though. They were about the length of my hand, if that. It was weird looking at them, though; because those beat-up peices of paper are thousands of years older than I am. I seemed to be attracted most to the ancle with the nail in it; the only physical proof that they really did preform crucifictions.
"Crucifiction?" "No, [i]freedom[/i]!" "Oh, well off you go then!" "Naw, I'm only fooling ya! Crucifiction."
I've been quoting Monty Python's "Life of Brian" all day! It was just too appropriate. I'm going to try and see if I can get Mr.VanDusen to let us watch it in class! XD Chances are, though, he won't let us. Aw... Life of Brain is sooooooo much better than The Holy Grail, I'm sorry guys. Holy Grail has been over-played; UP WITH BRIAN! UP WITH BRIAN! hahaha!
"He's [i]not[/i] the messiah! He's just a very naughty boy!"
Enough of that now. Tyler found a quote that he thought was just friggin hillarious. I wrote it down, but Kayla still has my paper in her bag... But it was on someone's tomb casket thing-a-ma-bobber, and it went something like "We have moved the bones of so'n'so to this place; [i]do not open[/i]!" He didn't stop laughing at that for about 10 minutes. I think we drove Kayla mad; what with my constant Python quotes, and Tyler's constant laughter... lol!
Then we played "lets find the caf because we're fucking starving!" We first went outside to look, and it was raining a little bit. I jumped into a huge puddle and got my socks soaked. It wasn't out there, so we went back inside. We had to ask where it was... And it was right where I figured it would be, but no one listened to what[i] I[/i] had to say. lol!
I never knew that the Museum of Civilizations had a cafeteria before today. There was like, absolutly nothing there for me to eat; everything had meat in it. I ended up getting a pasta salad because I wanted my stomach to stop eating itself. Eric made a weird drink out of his expresso, ice, 2 percent milk, and a hell of a lot of sugar. It was like a melted, watered down ice-cap. If ice-caps couldn't get [i]any[/i] worse... lol!
Kayla made a comment on how we grade 11's were more mature than the teachers gave us credit for, then she pointed at the grade 8's at the table next to us and said "At least we aren't throwing food around" Then some sort of food came flying RIGHT towards her face, but I think it hit Eric's back instead. And there was no way they could have heard her say it, either, because they were being much too loud. But she was right, we are more mature. 8)
The kids area is the most fun place to be; just because you can act stupid, and the only people who are going to think you are insane are the adults. Thats when Eric started his dissapearing act. We would be playing in one area, and turn around and he'd be gone. Then we'd have to run around the entire kiddy area looking for him.
I jumped into the front seat of a tiny car, then Kayla and Davina jumped into the back seat and told me to drive them around. I got out of the front seat to pretend to push the car because it wouldn't move and they were complaining. Then a mother and her little son came up and he sat in the front seat. He was about one, maybe two years old (soooooo cute!). Kayla broke into song and started singing "The Wheels on the Bus", and the mother joined in and they sang to the kid! Omg! Too cute!
Eric popped up out of nowhere and we left. Our little "let's find Eric" game spread to the entire museum. Mainly the elevators. He ran ahead and we were like "HOLD IT!!!" and of course, he didn't. We chased each other in the elevators for quite some time. Davina and Eric were in the elevator and the doors were closing and Kayla, Tyler and I were like "NO!!! GET THEM!!!" and I ran and just managed to slip into the closing elevator. It was like something out of an action movie. Davina's like "Haha! Sarah, you get 10 cool points for that move!" XD
Later on, the five of us ran into another elevator on the other side of the museum, where one of the little grade 8 kids was in already. We scared the shit out of that little boy! Omg! You should have seen the look of terror on his face when we were beating on Eric for running away so much (k, so not really [i]beating[/i], but grabbing him by the collar and screaming "you need a leash!"). We took a short rest in the lounge area on the 3rd floor, then continued the chase.
Somehow it ended up being me, Davina and Eric by ourselves, running away from Tyler and Kayla. We went into the Canada area (that's what Tyler called it, anyways) and were wandering in there. I left to go find Kayla and Tyler, but I couldn't find them anywhere. I went back, and had no idea if they were even still in there. I've been there many times, so I know the layout of the Canada area off of the back of my hand. I got a quick flash of one area and I ran towards it; I somehow [i]knew[/i] that Davina and Eric were right there... And they were! It was so cool!
Eric was then called down to the information desk, just after I caught up with them. We ran back through the displays, down the stairs, and then got tired. Davina and I went outside, where it was raining more now. It was so friggin hot inside, being out in the rain was [i]sooo[/i] nice! We sat on the benches and talked about how unhealthy and weak we were; then we started wondering where the hell Eric got all of his energy. We still don't know!
Eric got his bus pass from the people at the information desk, he dropped it while he was running. Funny thing is, I watched him drop it, but I was too stupid to think to pick it up. I actually thought the guard dropped it, since it landed just behind him. Anyways, Eric then got the bright idea of getting them to page Kayla, beacuse we didn't have a clue where she was. They did, and she came. LOL!
Bri came up to me just after we found Kayla and Tyler and hooked her arm onto mine and was like "Sarah - I have no friends! Help me find them!" So I went with her to help her find Matt, Megan, Shane, and all of those people. We went into the kiddy's gift shop since they wouldn't let us in at the front anymore (I don't know why) and then we heard Megan singing the "Brown Squirrel" song that she was singing on the bus. They were on the other side of the wall, inside the kiddy area! We got their attention, and Bri was happy. Yay!
Now I was all alone; my friends dissapeared again. Oy! That's when I got another flash... I saw Kayla in one specific part of the Canada area thingie and off I went. Guess what? She was there! :shock: ...Go me!
She was hanging out with Carl and Mr.VanDusen. Tyler was off looking for the Newfoundland section. He's from Newfoundland, and that's actually how I know him. Well, thats how I used to know him. Uh... That makes no sense. Hehe, I'll explain ^^'... I met him in grade 8 when he came to Ottawa. My friend Raweya and I would walk around the track talking, and then he would always walk the oposite way. Eventually we started talking, since we saw each other so much. He told me he was from Newfoundland, so I started calling him "[i]Newfoundlander[/i]", because I don't like "[i]Newfie[/i]". So ya, I've known him for quite a while. So then he came back and was like "I found it!". So we all went and looked at the display.
Time to go home! Aw... Ryan and I talked about how much of a bitch Ms.Coleman has been lately. I was just like "Man, I'd laugh so hard if it was because she got her sorry ass dumped and she's taking it out on us!" and then Ryan burst out laughing. Then we just discussed the possibility, and the only reason that she keeps the picture of her and her boyfriend up was because she's living in denial. The other day Amanda came into class crying, and Ms.Coleman kicked her out for "disturbing the class" (biiiiiitch!) and I was just like "Ya, she was probably thinking 'If I can't cry in class, you can't either!'." I nearly had myself convinced that she got dumped, actually! lol! I guess I'd feel bad for her if she did, though... But you have no idea how bitchy she's been to us lately!
The bus pulled into the school with 15 minutes left in class. Chris, Mandy, Becky, Steven and Colin were in the basement hallway. Becky jumped onto Kayla when she saw her! Then I hugged her and she was like "Hm..." then grabbed my boob. :shock: HELLO! hahaha! Steven went around to everyone and hugged them; only he hasn't even touched me for like, a week unless I was crying. So it was just a little bit weird...
Colin accidentally spent the toonie that I had in my bra, so he gave me two loonies - one to shove into my bra and give back to him, and the other as payment for the first one. Gaw! ...Good deal, though! Geoff had fun grabbing my boobs. I really didn't care that he was, either; I'm weird like that. I don't care anymore if anyone grabs my boobs, it's just another part of my body, like my shoulder or waist. He took full advantage of my "not caring", too! Hahaha!
It was still raining outside when I decided to head on home, and I didn't have an umbrella. I swung my coat over my head and started walking. My mom picked me up, and told me she had to take my baby to the vets. Zeus got into a huge cat-fight the other day, and he got beaten up pretty bad and his wounds were getting infected (haha, if that's how bad he got, I don't want to see the other cat!). She asked me if I wanted to go, but I didn't want to see them stick needles into my poor kitty!
I got to go for dinner now, I probaly would have written more if I didn't have to; but I think this is long enough! hahaha!
The single life isn't half bad... I could get used to this! ;)
"[i]These are supposed to be the best years of our lives... We should live them to the fullest[/i]!" OKAY! Aw man, tonight has been so much fun!
Jade and I just started talking, and she was fairly pissed at her ex, Matt. And I just asked her when we were gonna get together and get drunk off of our asses, and she was just like "soon,[i] real [/i]soon" Then she sent me a picture of her friend from England, Simon (omg, *faints* soooo [i]hot[/i]!). Then we started talking about our plans to go there some time. We're gonna go soon; I don't know how soon, but soon. Hehe! CAN'T WAIT!
Jade was like "I want tea time, damnit!" then she she was like "I'm going to bring tea to school tomorrow!" So tomorrow before homeroom, I'm going down to the basement and we're going to be all posh and sip tea and... Steven's a bit tetchy! LOL!!! :wink: I love the differences between Canadian and British words - because he won't know what that means! YES!!! lol! :twisted:
So thats when my dad called up the stairs, telling me I got mail. I was just like "Who the hell would send me a letter?"... I GOT MY G1 IN THE MAIL!!! Aw man, the picture is HORRIBLE! I look as if i just killed someone! LOL!!! I scanned it, then asked a few people if they cared to see it - and, of course, they did. Geoff and Kayla told me they'd bring theirs to school tomorrow to show me how bad theirs were. hehe!
So then I briefly told Geoff my plans to go to England with Jade, and he replied "Go to France - they're hotter there!". So then I was like "[i]We[/i] should go to France, then check out everyone! (since we're both bi we can do that)". Haha! Now Geoff and I are going to France together - we're gonna check out and try to pick up everyone we can, male or female! XD
Ooh, I just remembered another fun plan! Mal got the idea that this summer we should go skinny dipping, and I was like "omg! I'm [i]so[/i] there!" I've never gone skinny dipping before, so it should be interesting... 8)
Aw... I haven't had this much fun in a long time! My face and sides started hurting because I was laughing so hard!
Geoff and I were talking about our plans for Saturday with Kayla. Sort of. He mentioned he needed money so we could go to France, and I've been pressuring him to get a job at Rogers so if / when they hire me, I won't be alone. Y'know? So then we got talking about that and he just said "I'll apply this weekend!" and I brought up that we should go after him and Kayla were done with their project to Rogers and drop off his application, then rent some movies and just watch them all day. I haven't talked to Kayla about it, so it's just kinda up in the air.
I've become very social lately - I love it! I like being happy... :)
I woke up this morning to my sister screaming at me about us going to be late. I looked at my clock and I saw 7:47! SHIT! I got up and dressed in a minute and looked back at the alarm clock. 7:18? ARG! I read it wrong the first time... I lay back down on my bed and fell asleep again.
We took notes and watched a film about the Dead Sea Scrolls we're going to see tomorrow in the museum. Then we had the rest of the period for ourselves. I lay my head down to sleep, and noticed I could see Mike from the corner of my eye... I swear, I didn't do that on purpose! ...He's hot. I'm starting to sound obsessive, aren't I? I'm really not, though! I know I could never have him, and I'm fine with that. I'm just having fun... :wink:
In parenting we took notes on sleeping patterns and how to bathe your baby at which stages. I really want to become a mother, now! Babies are so cute! I know I'd get totally stressed out and want to kill something but not have enough energy to because of my lack of sleep, but that would balance out with a single baby giggle. I [i]love[/i] a baby's laugh! It's so innocent and pure. They don't know what they're laughing at, but yet they're still happy. Ignorant to the world around them... It'd be peaceful. They cry because they have gas in their stomach, not because man is slowly killing the earth. *ahem* I'd probably make for a horrible mother, anyways; and I doubt I'll ever get married. So I guess I'll just have to spoil Steph's kids (because she [i]will[/i] have kids!!!). And life goes on... ([i]voice in head[/i]: "does it have to?" [i]me[/i]: "yes, shut up!")
SO ANYWAYS... back to my day! ^^' I had a math test, which I think I aced. Of course. I love math. hehe. I just want to skip ahead to the future just to see how my life turns out, y'know? I want to see what my job'll be (accountant, if everything goes according to plan), if I'll be married or not (probably not), where I'll be living (BC! BC!), who I still keep in contact with (*cries* hopefully everyone!)... I think too much, don't I?
Holy crap I have a bad memory! I don't remember what happened at lunch! OH! Now I do... XD! I was mainly just talking with Geoff and Kayla, and whoever else who would join into the conversation. Then I talked to Kayla just on our own a bit, and she laughed at me because I couldn't pick up on the hint she was trying to give me (it was too subtle! And I wasn't looking at you! How was I supposed to know??? LOL!!!) At one point I attacked Geoff from beind and hooked my arms around his neck, then he bent over and lifted me off the ground, then started walking around the basement with me just lying over his back. Gaw! I love that kid! He's like the brother life forgot to give me. *glomps Geoffy* XD
I didn't want to go to Photography today... But I did anyways. She gave us our new assignment - URGH!!! We actually have to [i]work[/i]! Sucks ass, man. Hahaha, I should be totally cheap and do my project on my dad! Hahahahaha! Well he [i]was[/i] a photographer, after all... *whistles innocently* He just wansn't famous (outside of Ottawa, that is). I'm gonna try and convince Staci to do the freaky girl who takes pictures of transvestites (Staci's my partner).
And I actually went to Biology today! *gasps*. I'm a good girl! *a broken halo hangs over her head* hehe. And, get this, I actually [i]worked[/i]! Yes, I know... Scary, isn't it? I didn't bring my text book to class, so I just "borrowed" Carl's. I gave it back to him, but he was like "Yes... You can put it back where you got it." and pointed to his desk (he was across the room - and he was joking, he's just that kind of person). I was just like "Oh? Can I now?" Then he took out his white-out and was like "You're wearing a black sweater..." So I took out my sharpie and was like "And you're wearing a light one..." We just kind of sat there, holding our "weapons", giving each other the death-glare for a few minutes. Then he just laughed and took his text book. ^^
Today was our last day in the computer lab in Careers; and I happened to be the only one who remembered that. I put my books down in the lab and Mrs.Stephens sent me up to our regular class to see if they were waiting there. They were. Idiot grade 10's! I swear, the grade 10's at my school are fucking retards (I'm not saying all gr.10's are, just those at Merivale). I hearded them into the basement like sheep; it was hillarious. They followed me like they had never even been inside the school before! [i]Reeeeee-taaaaaards[/i] ! I would have written my blog then, but today was our last day and I was like "Hm... Maybe I should actually work on my assignment?". I have been working on it, a lil, [i]as[/i] I wrote my blog I would go back and forth (yay fast typing!). Steven came into class 15 minutes before the bell rang for [i]the end of the day [/i]and Staci and I were just like "wtf dude?" Then the two of us just started talking about how much he's changed. Even Staci's noticed a difference! Now [i]THAT'S[/i] gotta tell you something! Yeesh! Enough about him, I was happy before he came to school.
Tomorrow I have that field trip - should be fun! Kayla's going; and I know that pretty much everyone in my Ancient Civs class is going ('cept for Jen - I'll miss you, Jen! lol!). I just need to find out if Tom's going or not. I'll ask him on MSN, because if he is I may just stalk him and Braden all day. lol! If not, I'll stalk Kayla. I'll stalk whoever will let me, basically. hehehe! And tomorrow after school Dan was supposed to be coming over, but Steph went and made other plans. Oh well, another time, then.
Today I was actually a lot happier than I have been lately. I got back on my good track and started thinking about the magical line again. "These are supposed to be the best years of my life - live them to the fullest!" It's a little harder this time, because I still do love Steven; even though I really don't want to - yes, that's right... I [i]want [/i]to move on. It's just hard. I'll be okay... Eventually... In time... ^^'
[u]BEWARE[/u]: This paragraph is dedicated to girly-talk. My life is an open book, that's why I'm posting it. My boobs hurt! But I'm not complainging, 'tis a good thing. That means they're growing again. Which also means, since my bras hardly fit as it is... I need to go SHOPPING!!! Aw, it would be absolutly perfect if they sold half-sizes in stores, instead of having to order them! (Brace yourself, I'm going into detail!) I mean, I'm not a B anymore, but I'm not quite a C yet, either. This sucks! Ordering a half-size would be pointless, because it'll cost more to ship it in and what-not, and I'm still growing anyways. So I either have to wear a bra that's a little too big, or a little too small. *faints*. And, good news! I finished my period today. And in only three days! I could get used to this... lol! I still need to go on the pill to fix my lil' randomness problem, though... Okay, I'm done with the whole chit-chat now. Just needed to talk, I guess...
Infact, I'm done my blog. I hope you found it at least a little bit "[i]interesting[/i]"... LOL!
You are the Star card. The Star is the light of hope. Shining in the night, sending light into darkness, the stars provide direction to sailors and are a field on which to dream. Humanity used to look up at the sky and desire to be there, to find out what it all meant, and now we have been a distance into space and have elementary ideas of the makeup of all the different stars. This kind of achievement adds further fuel to our hopes. The eternal, slow-moving stars that will be long shining past the end of our own existence provide hope of immortality, and the vast space they suggest and the very mystery they hold provide us with excitement and knowledge yet to be discovered. Image from: Danielle Sylvie Taylor
Last night was totally freaky! I was talking to Jeff (yes, the infamous Jeff, Erica's ex-boyfriend) and he asked me what would make me happy, and I answered "finding someone to love and to love me back... only I'd [i]know[/i] it'll last forever." Then I continued and said that there is no guy on the face of the planet with that kind of commitment. He was just like "Well, I'm sure there's [i]someone[/i]...", then continued to use himself as an example of someone who wants a long-term committed relationship and I was just like "Are you hinting something?"; he claimed he was just using himself as an example... But he didn't stop. Then he was like "Say we were going out... I would treat you like a Queen! blah blah blah" and I just laughed my ass off and replied "Still using yourself as an '[i]example[/i]'?" ^^'.
He wasn't. I had to give him the same speach I gave Colin about how I'm not planning on seeing anyone else until after college, blah blah blah (which is true). Awkward! Then Dan mentioned how he wouldn't mind cuddling with me, because I look like I'd be a fun person to cuddle with... :shock: They only come out at night... lol!
[i]Aaaaaancient Civs[/i]! ...Ya, I'm bored. I discovered that we're going on a field trip this friday, and I was just like "Oh? Wow... Okay!" I mean, I knew we were going on a field trip, but I didn't know that it was so soon. We're going to the Museum of Civilization (what a concept!). DEAD SEA SQUIRRELS!!! ...Yes. I mentioned that before (it's still priceless!). I fell asleep in that class... Actually unconcious. Carl woke me up three minutes before the bell rang, then I went to English. Slept a bit more in there, then was forced to work. I don't know why, but I didn't even want to get up in the morning. I was [i]soooo[/i] tired! And I got a reasonable amount of sleep, too - odd.
...I don't remember what happened in parenting. Oh! We talked about feeding babies and which foods to buy. Apparently, never buy Chicken Casserol baby food, because it looks, tastes and smells like vomit. *takes note*. lol. Ah, Mr.L, always good for useless information. XP. Jade wrote this really depressing poem for Edith on the board, and like, 3 or 4 people copied it down because it was so touching.
Lunch, Jade, Jen and Mandy were singing (quite loudly) their comedy version of Bring me to Life. I was a lil' depressed, but it still made me laugh. Off to drama...
I have discovered the sexiness of mr. Mike Tarp. ...Along with the rest of the female population at Merivale. That actually reminds me of something I said to Staci about Johnny Depp a little while ago; "[i]If you don't think he's hot you're either blind or gay[/i].". Well, the same goes to Mike. lol! Chances are he'd never go out with me, though. Because, well, I'm a freak of nature and he's waaaay out of my league! He's got a huge selection of girls to choose from, why would he pick the ugly girl in the corner? lol! I'm not expecting a miracle, I'm just having fun with my eye-candy.
He was chosen to play Sky Masterson in our dance number, so I got to sit there and stare at him all drama. I was happy. Omg, he has an [i]amazing[/i] smile! *melts into a puddle on the ground* GAW!!! And he blushes a lot, too... Too cute! Mr.Mo was like "Okay - you're mad at Sky because he's not rolling the dice! Don't be afraid to show him you're angry!" then Mike started looking at the people around him and I just shook my fist at him and he laughed and... *faints* That kid's too hot for his own good! ...I'm done talking about him for now. lol! (Um... Don't tell him I said any of this ^^')
Just incase that was a little misleading - no, that does not mean I'm completely over Steven and ready to move on. That just means I'm finally [i]letting [/i]myself notice other people. Baby steps. ^^
Jadey came with me to Photography; she decided to paint / tint her picture as I continued to answer those damn questions! She ended up spilling water and it went all over the finished projects! Gaah! I mentioned that we had Bio next, and she was just like "No, we don't" and I was like "We, eh?" lol. I didn't feel much like going to Bio anyways. She found some friends in the hall and was like "I'm going for a smoke - I'll meet you in the basement in a few minutes, k?" So I agreed to... Only she never showed up. Funny thing was, I didn't get mad. I mean, sure, I was upset, but I didn't care. Anything was better than being in Bio class, I guess. I sang to myself in my head...
[i]All the lonely people Where do they all come from? All the lonely people Where do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the lonely people Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name Nobody came Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave No one was saved[/i]
Gotta love The Beatles! (That's not the whole song, just the part I was singing to myself).
I went home, and my Biology teacher called. He asked if my parents were home, and I knew they were... but I said they weren't. I don't know why, either; because they know about my marks and skipping. I just kinda wanted to talk to him and tell him the truth of what's been going on; instead of having my dad do it and have me wonder what the conversation went like. I told him why I had been skipping (not why I skipped today, but every other day) and he already knew about the breakup with Steven and that I've been reacting poorly to the situation. He understood, and still feels like if I try hard enough, I can pass. *sighs* Doubtful... I don't even understand what the hell he's talking about lately.
My mom gave me a warm cloth to put on my infected eyebrow... I don't know why. Oh, and she also got me Polysporin for it. I just can't believe it's gone already...
And I'm still tired. *falls out of chair unconcious*
...I'm STILL not creative enough to think of a title!
Drama lightened my spirits, like it always does. I seem to really enjoy dancing - even if the dance is a bit... um... tres stupid; it's still fun. I went to Photography, and Ryan wrote "Whore-Bank" on my arm, insulting my last name, which I'm used to. I got really hyper and started laughing at everything, and tried to attack Ryan with his own pen... That kid's small, but I couldn't even get a mark on him! I don't think Ms.Coleman was too happy about that.
Steph and I jumped onto the bus with Steven, Sam and Nadia. Steven sat in front of Steph and I with his mechanical baby (yes, it's his turn), and I just stroked the baby's cheek the entire way to Baseline Station. I just thought about how some day I would [i]love[/i] being a mother... Even though I'll probably never have kids or ever get married. *sighs* Oh well...
Ah! I forgot to mention why I was going to Baseline Station, instead of getting off at my stop... You remember I mentioned a guy named Dan that I met on DA a little while back? (Geoff does, I know that much - lol!). Steph and I went to go meet him. He lives by the library, so we decided to just meet there and then go over to his house. Joy!
We were to meet at about 3:45pm, but since we got off school before him we ended up getting at the library at about 2:50. hahaha! Steph decided she wanted to go find To Kill a Mockingbird on video since she was reading it in English class. We looked, but found nothing; and I couldn't figure out how to use the computer search... So we were screwed. lol. We looked through their CD collection (dude, ya, it was news to me too - I was like "THEY HAVE CDS???" lol!). Don't bother, nothing good. We got out different coloured highlighters and played tic-tac-toe, hang man, "honey comb havoc" from Mario Party 3 (on paper), and this dot game Steph showed me.
3:30 came and we decided to go out and wait for him outside. We made jokes about how the pictures he sent us were really him, only when he [i]was[/i] 15, but now he's 45. Each time an old man walked by we'd burst out laughing and be like "That's Dan!" Nothing against you, Dan, we were just having fun! Although, he was exactly how I imagined him. Imagined? I had like, 5 different pictures to go by; and he's called here before, so I knew his voice, too... BAH!
We just kind of sat there for a few minutes, in an awkward silence... staring at each other. It was the first time I ever met an online friend. It was just like "So you're the one behind the keyboard, eh?" (I didn't actually say that). We walked over to his house, and I made comments on how his hair reminded me of Tom and Braden's... Only clean. And longer. He's actually a lot like them; I guess that's why I get along with him so well. haha!
The three of us all went into his room and we watched videos on his computer. DOMO!!! Yes, I saw the series! Finally! Man, Domo's a little pansy-ass! Then we watched this series called G.I.Joe - [i]hilarious[/i]! "PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!" XD!!! Then we watched a clip of a fireworks factory catch fire and blow up. OMG!!! Then there were these guys holding onto a string tied to the back of a car and they were on sleds being launched up a snow bank and flying through the air. So we decided that next winter when I have my G2 we're gonna do that! hahaha! S-M-R-T.
Steph and I had to leave at 5pm (aw! *sniffs*) and Dan [i]finally[/i] got a real hug. lol! We called mom as we were walking back towards Baseline and she drove us home. She's crazy-over protective! So yes, Dan - you have to come over on Friday; I might not be there, but there's still a chance that I may be. I really don't know (when do I ever?); but Steph'll entertain you. We need to go window shoe shopping soon! Gaah! XD
Now for something [i]completely[/i] different! Lately I've noticed that my eyebrow really hurts... (Ya, my eyebrow is... [i]was[/i]... pierced) It was all puffy and infected. I told my parents about it today and they felt the lump of infected gooy-ness underneath my skin and were like "omg! Take that out [i]NOW[/i]!" ... :cry: I actually cried, too. I [i]loved [/i]having my eyebrow pierced. Now all I have are red, puffy, infected dots on my eyebrow! I don't know [i]why[/i] my body rejected it, either - I cleaned it and rotated it and everything I was told to... I guess my body's just retarded. *shrugs*
I trick my brain sometimes... I make it believe that it's happy by not thinking about anything, then doing something fun. Like drama class... Only problem - it's very temporary.
I'm not creative enough to think of a title right now...
Last night was hard... I was talking to Jade and we were discussing the bald male hug on MSN and I just rememebered that she never saw Steven when he had no hair... So I offered to send her a picture of him when he was undergoing chemo. He was pale, had bags under his eyes, was hardly smiling, had random tuffs of hair... Her reply was "omg - he looks so sick!" and I just started going on about how I never noticed his appearance because it never mattered to me. I just loved him for who he was, not how he looked. I ended up making this big speach and she was just like "Okay - you win. That is the saddest thing I've ever heard!"
I finally got through to her. She knew I loved him, but I guess she just didn't know how much... She does now. She understands why I'm still upset. I know for a fact that I'll never be able to love someone as much as I loved him; and I'll never be able to stop loving him... No matter how much you all want me to. I just can't do that. I'm sorry.
I needed to take a walk to clear my head. I always go into my field when I feel like that. I walked down the path, and didn't stop at the well - I kept going. I stopped for a moment at the clearing in the bushes (some of you know why) and just looked... I would have lay down there and fallen asleep, but there was snow on the ground. I kept walking. There's a rather large tree down past all of the bushes; about a 10 minute walking distance. I could see the road, and the school, from where that tree was. If anyone knew what went on in my head, they'd have me committed. I believe that trees have souls, and that if you talk, they'll listen. So I talked to the tree. It wasn't my first time talking to her; I apologized for not visiting often enough... Then I just let everything out. I ended up sitting there just talking for about 45 minutes. It started to rain slightly. I feel bad for her... She's all alone out in the middle of an empty field - the bushes have each other for company, but what does she have? The wind... I'm going to try and visit her at least once a week. It'll be easier when there's not so much snow on the ground. ...Please don't call me crazy because of my beliefs. Thank you.
I woke up this morning in a rather shitty mood, as I usually do. There was a lock-down drill in Ancient Civs (homeroom). He got a piece of paper and taped it into the window. He explained before that they have to do that so when someone is in the school, they can't look into the window. We're also apparently supposed to crowd into the corner thats against the wall of the door, but farthest from it, just so if he can look into the window, he doesn't see anyone. We all laughed and figured that whoever coming into our school would have to be a complete idiot not to hear the announcements call a lockdown, then all of a sudden all the classes are empty "Hm... I wonder where everyone is on Tuesday morning..." as he runs down the hall - lol.
Bri asked me to skip math with her; and I would have, only Mr.Marchilldon had already seen me in the hallway. I really didn't want to go, but oh well. We have a test next period that I know I'm going to ace. I'm really good in this kind of math... hehe. English was boring; but since I actually finished reading the chapter I managed to pass today's test (part two of the one I got yesterday). I hate that class... I always have.
Lunch was very depressing for me. My mom gave me a muffin in my lunch, but I really REALLY don't like muffins. Steven seems to have this weird obsession with them lately, so I gave it to him. Then I just kind of... sat off to the side and didn't say anything. I just started thinking about what Jade was talking about last night; about how Steven changed and didn't realise what he had, and is expecting too much now. He has changed... I don't like it. What happened to the guy I loved? He's still there... Burried underneath whatever he's trying to be. He comes out every once in a while, though. He did when I was crying; Steven hugged me. I needed a hug, even though I didn't want to admit it.
Steven, I just want you to know that all I want is for you to be happy... Even if that means I'm not; because I'd do anything for you.
Omg, I was so nervous about listening to this song again... It's the one song I refused to listen to after Steven broke up with me. I mean, the All American Rejects was kind of stupid to play, but there was absolutly no way I was going to listen to "Crash Into Me" by Dave Mathews Band.
He always said that song reminded him of me... So I downloaded it; and every time I listened to it it would remind me of him. If he were in the hospital sick, which he was a lot, I would play this song over and over again and just cry, missing him...
I wanted to burn two CD's that I've been holding off on, and I was looking through the lists of songs I had for them... It was on one. The entire CD I have set up reminds me of him, actually. But this song was the worst... I listened to every other song, but not that one... I was afraid I was going to cry and not stop until I died. Today I took that daring step, just to see if I could put it onto the CD.
I'm listening to it right now.
I'm crying.
[u][b]Crash Into Me[/b][/u] [i]Dave Mathews Band[/i]
You've got your ball, You've got your chain Tied to me tight, tie me up again. Who's got their claws In you my friend? Into your heart I'll beat again Sweet like candy to my soul Sweet you rock, And sweet you roll Lost for you, I'm so lost for you
Oh, and you come crash into me And I come into you And I come into you In a boy's dream In a boy's dream
Touch your lips just so I know In your eyes, love, it glows so I'm bare-boned and crazy... for you.
Oh, and you come crash into me Baby, and I come into you In a boy's dream In a boy's dream
And if I've gone overboard Then I'm begging you To forgive me In my haste When I'm holding you so girl, Close to me
Oh and you come crash into me, yeah Baby, and I come into you Hike up your skirt a little more And show the world to me Hike up your skirt a little more And show your world to me In a boy's dream In a boy's dream
Oh, I watch you there Through the window And I stare at you You wear nothing, but you Wear it so well Tied up and twisted, The way I'd like to be For you, for me, come crash into me Come crash into me, yeah
Crash into me... Crash into me...
You know, I'm the king of the castle, You're the dirty rascal, crash into me. Please crash into me, baby...
Oh, no no no... Yes, I see the waves Come and crash into me. See the waves come and crash into me. Crash into me.
Honestly, hardly anyone seems to give a damn. Is it that I'm so in the way that you actually want me gone? Would you be happier without me? Of course you would... Who wouldn't? I'm a waste of human life. I should have never been born.
Seriously, I'm only in the way here. I'm holding Steven back, even if he doesn't want to admit it; I know I am. I'm not doing it on purpose. Mal likes him, and neither of them are going to do anything about this because they don't want to hurt me. Guys, I'm not worth it. You're better off without me anyways. I'll be gone, and you two can be happy. I'm doing you a favour.
It seems like my friends just don't care that I want to die. It's like they've given up hope. I am hopeless. They should have given up on me a long time ago. I'm surprised I managed to keep Steven for as long as I did... I sometimes think - would we have lasted a year if he hadn't of had cancer? I shouldn't think so hard...
I know my friends care... It's just sometimes they don't like to show me they do. Well, what can I expect? According to Steven, no one knows I care. *rolls eyes*. Even though I tell them I love and care about them every time they're down, and that they can always talk to me about anything if they need to; as I cry my eyeballs out for them. Seriously, you people have no idea just how much I really do cry. But, then again, what do you care?
Some people think I'm not serious when I say that I want to kill myself. Why would I lie about that? For attention? No, I'm not that kind of person. My telling you I'm depressed is a cry for help... You try, but nothing can get rid of this imballance. It's not my fault I'm like this, but you seem to like blaming me anyways. Like I do it on purpose. Ya, that's it... I just LOVE crying myself to sleep. I LOVE cutting myself. I LOVE wanting my life to end. I LOVE losing people close to me because they can't put up with the way I am!
Enough of that... Now to my day so far:
I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I didn't want to ever wake up, but that was beyond my control. I went to school, and I had parenting first. Steven kept making cracks at me to see just how pissed off I could get; or at least it seemed that way. Thanks, Steven. If you haven't noticed, I'm already incredibly ticked off at you for not telling me you almost DIED last year! You don't have to act like an asshole to me.
I skipped math, and sat in the basement stairway. Mandy started to walk by, noticed me sitting there, and sat down in front of me. We talked about what was going on in our lives and why we were pissed off at the world. Then we turned to talking about drunk stories. She has some pretty good ones... hehe. That cheered me up for a little while. Then she left to have a cig. Both Many and Jade walked by later, and then Jade stopped and Mandy kept walking. She sat with me, and I talked to her about what's going on a little. Then she started talking about how we just need a night out to hit on guys. Then she started on about England and all the hot guys there is to hit on. So we decided we're going to England some summer in the future. Should be fun.
I failed a test in English, just because I didn't read the chapter. Ya, last chapter in the book and I didn't bother to read it. I don't give a fuck, honestly. It's a shitty book anyways. But that's not the point. I had lunch... Not much happened then. Just kind of... sat around feeling depressed. Then I had Bio - but I didn't want to go, so I didn't. I sat with Jade (who's in my class), Mal, Steven, Gavin and Chris in the basement. We talked about sex, the absolute LAST topic I wanted to talk about... Steven made more cracks at me (thanks again, bud). Jade got up to have a smoke, and since sitting in the basement with those guys was starting to piss me off, I went with her for some fresh air. I didn't smoke, because I'm actually trying to stop (ONLY TO SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS WHO ARE CALLING ME A HYPOCRITE). Jade and I discussed how we don't know what the hell is going on in the group anymore. We don't have any clue what terms everyone's on with each other, and who's saying what, and all that fun stuff.
Now I'm sitting in Careers. I greatly dislike this class. According to this test I took on a website, the most likely career for me is "administrative assistant" - aka, secritary. OH BOY! I'll get to shit around on a computer, working my ass off for some fat-cat who will be getting all the credit for my hard work - and to top it all off, I'll be getting poor pay. WHAT A LIFE! I'm thrilled - CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE!!!
Good night, folks. *faints*
About Me:
Name: Sarah
DOB: Dec.01,'87 (16)
Location: Ottawa, ON
Likes: music, The Simpsons, That 70's Show, Stephen King, Tim Burton, horror movies, comedy, playing video / computer games, Monty Python, mexican food, iced tea, drawing, shopping, hanging out, swimming (alone), photography, acting, driving, and my friends and family ^^
Dislikes: assholes, whores, rap, musicals, when things break, liars, people who judge others before they get to know them, killing animals for food, working too hard... (thats all I can think of right now)
