Mkay, time to write about my day... (Ya, three entries in one day seems like a lot - but w/e).
Yesterday I got into a bit of a fight with Steven; but I guess that's kinda sorted out... So I won't go into details.
So today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Um... Girly reasons. Ya, and I woke up at 3:15pm, so I won't be sleeping much tonight. Tomorrow's going to be a shitty day...
I asked my dad to take me out driving, and he said later. My mom offered to take me right at that moment instead. We went up to CentrePoint and I got to drive around in the parking lots by the Library. Tres fun.
I got home and I talked to Steven a bit more. He deleted all of his previous blogs because apparently, his mom also found his blog. Believe me, Steven, I know all too well how you feel.
He started talking about his friend who has a really bad infection and is in the hospital. I asked him how bad "bad" was, and he just said "remember that infection I had that nearly killed me? ya, bad." ...He never told me that it could have killed him. I burst into tears and blocked him. I was so pissed off that he never told me he nearly died! Just the thought of almost losing him forever...
Some of you may already know this, but my mom has discovered my blog and has been reading it. This enty is for her...
Mom. These are [i]my personal thoughts[/i]. If I wanted you to know them, I'd tell you. But I don't. Now, why is that? Because you don't [i]need[/i] to know them! You're no better than those mothers who break into their child's diaries when they're at school! Only I don't have a diary, I have this instead. Ya, I know, "serves me right for posting my personal thoughts on the internet" right? No, because I'm not posting them up for you, mom. I'm posting them up so my [i]FRIENDS[/i] can comment, and so my [i]FRIENDS[/i] know what's going on through my head. because they don't understand me, and this was my attempt on helping them!
I'm seriously pissed off at you right now, mom. PLEASE stop reading my blog. I trust you to stop, so I won't get a new account (yet); but I'm dead serious. I am so fucking pissed off, you have NO idea!!! Now, please, [b]MIND YOUR OWN GOD-DAMNED BUSINESS AND STOP READING MY BLOG!!![/b]
URGH!!! I can't even [i]vent[/i] anymore without her breathing over my fucking shoulder! :evil:
I have a broken heart, therefore, I'm going to cry. You can't stop me just because you think I should.
"[i]Just get over him, he's over you[/i]" - Do you have any idea how hard that is to hear? I still love him, but he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not going to instantly be smiles and laughter. It hurts like a bitch. I need time to take care of this gushing, throbbing wound that used to be my heart.
And how may I ask am I "holding him back"? How am I "controling" him? Is it because Colin told him that I'd kill myself if he got a girlfriend? News Flash: Colin is full of shit. He asked me what I'd do if he got a new girlfriend, and all I said was "Please don't talk about that, I already want to kill myself". Does that mean I'm going to instantly jump off of a building? No, I never said that. What I was hinting at was that if I had enough pills, I'd already be dead. It was a cry for help for NOW, not THEN. I honestly don't know why I'm alive now... But I am. I'm suffering through this just because you all asked me to. Be happy, I'm alive for you.
"[i]We just want to see you happy again[/i]" I'm sorry that I'm not happy. But honestly, what did you expect? I suffer from a mental disorder called Depression. Only 1 out of 6 years was I anywhere [i]close [/i]to happy; and that's when I was with Steven. Sure, I was still depressed, but at least I laughed, had fun, and had someone love me for just being myself. I would cry, and he'd be there to wipe away my tears. That's all I needed; I didn't need him to make everything magically better, I just needed him [i]there[/i]. Instead he got up and left... Almost like he gave up on trying to help me. I don't think he saw that he [i]was[/i] helping me. Now I'm back on square one.
It's like a really fucked up game of snakes and ladders. Each time he'd wipe a tear away, I'd move up a square. Sometimes he'd actually help and make the situation better, and I'd climb up a ladder. Then sometimes I'd land on a snake and he wouldn't be there, or someone would do something really bad and I'd slip down. But he'd always catch me and help me make my way back up the board again. Then there's that one giant snake, right near the end, and you know that it can either make or break your happiness... I slipped back to square one. Only I'm not moving from this square, because I can't make my way up the board alone.
"[i]We got through cancer together, we can get through anything[/i]!" - I guess you didn't expect me to destroy the relationship with my crying, did you? I'm depressed, and you couldn't handle that... Maybe some day I'll find someone who will stick by me and never give up hope; I'm just hurt that it won't be you.
I was only happy when I was with Steven; so I'm not going to be happy now that I'm without him. Since, as it was so [i]nicely[/i] pointed out to me, I can't have him, I'll just have to move on and find someone else. Only problem... I don't plan on even [i]looking[/i] until well after college when I'm living in another province entirely. And since loving someone, and being loved back is all that makes me happy, I think it's quite clear I'm going to be depressed for a long time to come. Please don't be mad at me because of this. If I could be happy for no reason what-so-ever, I would. What wouldn't I give just to be happy again... I just don't work like that.
And Mal, you know I love you no matter what... Why were you scared to tell me you like him? I don't care, it doesn't change how I feel about you. Honestly, I'd much rather him like you than Jade. ...But that's not up to me, and it's also not the issue. It hurt more to find out through someone else than if you had've just told me in the first place. Please don't be scared to talk to me about [i]anything[/i] (that goes for everyone, too)!
On a last note, I'd like to thank Geoff and Kayla. You two are the only ones [i]letting [/i]me cry. You both understand that this will take time, and you know exactly what I'm going through. I mean, everyone else relates, but they all feel like they need to flood me with advice and tell me what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing. You two just let me cry and tell me I'll be okay. All I need is a shoulder... Thank you.
You can only cry for so long before you want to snap...
Steph went to school today; good. I had a test in Ancient Civs first class - good morning! I've been gone for a lot of classes, and I was missing parts of the test. I'm pretty sure I still passed, but not with a wonderful mark like I usually get. Oh well... That didn't get me off on a good start, so I was rather upset in Parenting. I just kind of sat there with my head down. I nearly skipped math, too. I went to my locker to put away my binders and to get my math text book, and I looked at Steven's old locker... The janitors finally bolted it shut. I slammed my locker shut and ran down to the basement. No one was there. I cried a bit, then snuck into class late. I just slept, completely unconcious and dreaming. I just dont remember what my dream was anymore... woops. I'm usually good at that.
As I was walking down towards the basement for lunch, I saw Kayla and she told me it was "bring a friend day" with the Drama Council, and that I was going with her. After that was over Andrew was inviting everyone to go over to his house after school. I agreed to go.
I had Photography after lunch, and I was still incredibly depressed. I got really pissed off at Ms.Coleman, because she wouldn't let anyone into the darkroom until we finished our questions, and she's been on me like a hawk to get them done; even though I was sick when she first assigned them! I mean, jeez - give me some time to finish them! Ryan wanted me to find a word that rhymed with fog / bog / log, whatnot. I suggested [i]alamalog[/i], which means "Ryan is flubber-man!" (if you can't tell, I made it up). Then Erica attacked me with the pen and wrote "boobs" on my arm - so I got her back by writing "PEN15" on hers. She had an english presentation next, so I was proud.
I went to see Jade in the basement before I went to Biology, because I knew she would be there. She was, and she was sitting on Cory's lap. Yeesh, I never have any idea what terms those two are on! Anyways, I asked her if she could come to class today because I didn't want to be alone. She told me there was no way she was going, and I went to class. We had a supply, so we took notes all period. Quite dull. Careers was last, and I just sat in the corner finally getting around to completeing my "COPS" thingie. I wrote a bit more on my 5 paragraph essay about me, then looked over the new assignment she gave us just today (that's what happens when you're away for a couple days!).
After school ended, Mal, Mandy, Kayla, Steven, Andrew, Jade and I jumped onto the bus. Mandy kissed pretty much everyone in our group, making my girl count 5, and my guy count at a measly 2 (not total kisses - you crazy? just the number of different [i]people[/i]). I don't take girls kissing me seriously, thats why the numbers are so lop-sided. Enough about that... Everyone mooched my iced tea, and I was like "aw..." but oh well.
We get to Andrew's just as his mom pulls into the drive way. It was my frist time actually meeting her; I saw her yesterday at Air Bands, but I didn't actually talk to her. She's really nice; Jade couldn't actually stay, so she offered to give Jade a ride home. Gaw! We missed you, Jadey!
Mal and I went down into the basement and were like "let's play pool and suck together!" - last time we were both there we played pool against each other because we are both "even matched players". So we played again, and the game went on forever; mainly because Andrew's little brother was constantly in the way and being loud. Once his mom got home she got him out of the basement and made him leave us alone to play. She scratched on the 8 ball, so I won! *dances*. hehehe.
Chris came later and we all moved into the computer room across the basement. I sat down on the couch and kind of just... curled up. They started watching these retarded videos, and I just kind of rolled my eyes thinking "oh boy, here we go...". Kayla wanted me to watch them, but I really didn't want to move, so she kind of... dragged me off of the couch, but left me on the floor. I lay there, just thinking, staring up at the cieling, listening to these retarted videos for about an hour. I really shouldn't be left alone to think, because I ended up getting really depressed.
Everyone left to go eat nachos, 'cept for Kayla. She stayed in the computer room, and I finally got up off of the floor and sat down on the bench beside her. (ya, their computer chair is a piano bench). Since they have two different versions of MSN on their computer, we were both signed in. We talked to each other as well, from the same computer. Kayla dissapreared and I signed us both out, then moved back to my curled up position on the couch.
Time passed and finally Steven, Mal, and Katie made their way back into the computer room. They were on MSN talking to Geoff. Katie was dancing, as she always is, and Mal was getting angry for reasons I can't mention, and I was crying again. Despite Mal being angry, she was still kind enough to walk back and forth between the computer and me to see how I was doing and to give me advice. All of what she said made complete sense, but I just don't think I can do any of it. I'm not strong enough... Only time can take care of me. Steven came up to me once and placed his hand on my head. Even just that by itself made me cry more... Then Mal sort of did sort of didn't tell me something "interesting" that I didn't particularily want to hear that I also can't mention. *sighs* (arg - what's the point of having a journal if you can't even write what happened? ^^') Katie gave me this rather large doll to hug; she told me she hugs it when she's upset, and that I should. She's so sweet - it's hard to imagine her upset.
Steven ended up being the only person left in the room, and he just stood next to me as I cried for about a minute. Kayla walked into the room, saw me upset and sat on the couch next to me. Steven saw that she wanted to just talk to me without him there and he left the room. I'm glad I got to talk to Kayla alone like that. We're both going through the exact same thing, so I at least know I can relate to someone. We both talked about "the little things" that we miss, and about how much we love their families and the first time we met them. What made me cry the most was a little memory of me sitting on my bed with Steven sitting in front of me. I was crying, and he just wiped away the tear and said "Don't cry, you're too beautiful for tears..." then kissed my forehead. Shit, just thinking of it now!
Kayla told me to take a walk with her, because I hadn't been outside that room since after mine and Mal's pool game. We walked up and said hi to Mal and Chris, then went into the living room with Katie and her mom. Kayla played their piano for a bit. It was time for us all to be kicked out, but Steven and I got a ride to South Keys bus station.
We didn't talk much at all while waiting for the bus, or for most of the bus ride, either. I just thought back to my little memory previously mentioned, and I started crying again. Steven put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder. Even though I was crying, I didn't want that moment to end. I love him too much. It's one thing to have someone you love not love you back, but to know that they [i]used[/i] to love you and no longer do... I wanted to die right there on his shoulder.
We got off of the bus, and I didn't want to go home. I wanted to run far away... But I didn't want to be alone. I walked Steven to his bus stop and told him what I've been thinking for the past few days; "If I had enough pills at home, I think I'd try it again." Lucky for my famliy and friends, we don't. Ever since my last attempt, my mom won't keep more than half a bottle in the house at one time. Smart mom. I don't know how he reacted when I told him that, because his bus came.
I started walking towards the parking lot next to Baseline Station, because that's where my mom set up to meet me. I needed to stop crying and make myself laugh so my mom'd think that I had a fun time. And what better way to make yourself laugh than to scare your mother shitless? She's always afraid of going out at night because of scary muggers... And she didn't notice me walk up to the car since it was facing away from me. I drumrolled my fists on the trunk and I could see through the back window my mom freaking out! It worked like a charm, I started laughing and she unlocked the doors. Apparently I sent electricity up through her tongue. lol!
Steven called once I got home to make sure I got there safely. He was on his cell phone - he missed his stop and was walking back. Oy...
I just can't seem to get Steven out of my every thought... I don't know how much longer I can take this.
After I finished my last blog I left the computer lab and decided to wander. I went into the A-Wing and Kayla and this girl I just met today (Becky) were there, along with a few other people from the Time Warp dance. I sat there and watched them curl Meagan's hair. Heather started painting the steps to the time warp on a giant sign for Tyler to hold (he was "the professor"). Andrew and Tyler got bored and decided to go find Ms.Ash to see if she was still at school so they could steal her Cranium game.
I left when Andrew and Tyler did, but I decided to meet them in the basement and go to the vending machines first. The change machine was giving me trouble again, but it decided to work after my [i]third [/i]attempt. I get a lemonade and turn around and guess who's walking into the school? Steven. He was wearing the blue replacement sunglasses from my house.
We go back to the A-Wing for a lil' while, then Steven decided to put his coat back in his locker. I stayed behind to talk to Kayla for a bit, then when she left I went to go find Andrew and Tyler. They were with Steven, walking down into the basement (where I was headed), [i]with[/i] Cranium! Yay! We set it up in the basement hallway, and decided it would be girls against guys. Tyler, Steven and Andrew on one team, and me, Mandy and Katie on the other. Unfortunately, neither Katie or Mandy wanted to play, so Andrew switched to my side. WE KICKED ALL ASS!!! Tyler and Steve were still trying to make their way across the second quarter of the board, while Andrew and I were already one away from winning the entire freakin game. Every once in a while Geoff would join their team, while Kayla would join ours. We decided to just declare us the winners when it came to about 5pm. Katie came to get us to all go to Harveys for dinner.
We crossed the street with our arms around each other in a chain; it went Katie, Steven, Erica, Andrew, me, Chris - then Geoff, Kayla, Becky and Tyler were all stray. Kayla, Becky and Tyler all decided to go to Subway and PizzaPizza instead, so we met up with them after we were done eating. I ended up paying for Steven's food, because he didn't think he'd be staying after school and didn't bring money. No biggie.
We all went over to the Loeb, and Kayla, Becky and I all linked arms and started doing this funky step thingie walking down the road; take one step in front of the person to your left, then in front of the person to your right... Then Becky and I just started hitting on each other like crazy in Loeb. FUN! lol! We bought grapes, then skipped across towards the school again (we litterally skipped... at least, Steven and I did anyways).
It was now 5:35 - time for everyone involved in Air Bands to start getting ready. I sat there and watched everyone get their nails painted, hair done up, changed (yes, some changed right in the middle of the hallway). For a second, I completely forgot that Steven and I weren't together anymore; it only took me a second to realise my mistake, but I was so fucking upset, you have no idea. I leaned on Steven's back and just lay there and thought about how comfortable I was and how I just wanted to stay close to him forever, even though I knew I couldnt... I sat down next ot the lockers and I ended up in tears. Geoff saw this and sat down next to me, asked what was wrong, and just put his arm around my shoulders and stroked my hair as I cried on his shoulder. I just remember him saying "I guess he just feels like home...". He was right (just remembering it now is making me cry...). Then Kayla sat down on my other side and I was passed from Geoff to Kayla. I cried with her hugging me for a while. I was passed back to Geoff because Kayla had to get ready. Chris came over once she left and he sat there and hugged me for a while. Kayla came back and she put her arm across my back, as well as Geoff. So I now had three people hugging me. Andrew then came over and he did the same. Omg... I had [i]no[/i] idea my friends cared so much! That was all I could think about when they were hugging me, too... It was a good feeling, knowing that they were there for me when I really needed them.
At about 6:30, Mal took us towards the back of the Caf and "snuck" us in (but before that I managed to get a hug from everyone in that entire hallway... and it wasn't empty!). I didn't need to sneak in, since I bought a ticket, but I got in earlier than everyone else, so it was okay. Andrew walked with me with his arm around my shoulders, but left once we were in with Mal to continue getting ready for their dance. Jade and Geoff sat on either side of me, and Jade hugged me for a while. Somehow, her and Mandy's hyperness and boob-rapage managed to lighten my spirits.
Omg, those first 45 minutes before Air Bands started was the most fun I've had in a long time! Jade and Mandy were just insane feeling each other up in the front row as a joke. I turned around and I saw Colin sitting in the very back row; I had to take a double-take to realise it was him. I ran to the back and he explained that he had to hide because he wasn't supposed to be in there, so I gave him a hug and then went back to everyone else in the front row. A few minutes later I saw Steven's mom and his little brother Travis looking through the windows into the Caf. They waved at me and I was just like "Who the... OMG!!!" and I ran towards them. His dad was there, too, I realised after I opened the doors to see them. I was so happy they were there! It's been much too long... I talked to them for a good while, until the doors were opened for everyone else and I walked in with them, but sat with my friends in the front row again. I really missed them, and I have no idea when I'm going to see them again... :cry:
Mandy and Jade added me to their breast-rapeage. Yay? XD. So then I noticed this guy from my gr.8 class in my old school, SWC, come into the room, and I was just like "Chaw! Dan! What on earth are you doing here?" lol, I don't know if he even saw me, but w/e. It was cool seeing him again (last time I saw him he was working at Zellers. Actually, that was just during Christmas, so not so long ago). Dude, I used to have a crush on that kid. But he was arrogant, so I forgot about him quickly. *shrugs*.
OMG! Funniest thing EVER! Jade and I were doing the tango in front of our seats, and she tried to dip me and my back tensed up and I was like "Ahh! I don't bend that way! See, I'll prove it..." then I went to dip myself, by just bending myself backwards, but my foot slipped from underneath me and I landed flat on my back on the floor. Aw man did it ever hurt, but I couldn't help but laugh my ass off! Jade was pissing herself laughing at me; and I couldn't get myself up for a while. [i]TOO FUNNY[/i]!!!
The performances started late (it was supposed to start at 7pm, but it started at 7:20) but it was worth it! The Time Warp was one of the first preformances - BUT IT WAS THE BEST!!! OMG, YOU GUYS DID [b]AWESOME[/b]!!! Jade and I were quite loudly singing along to the entire song. I was screaming and singing all night, and I have a very high-pitch scream (it's been compared to a person whistling), so... my voice is dead now. LOL! [i]Soooo[/i] worth it! Dude, one group did "Barbie Girl", and Barbie was done by a guy, and Ken was done by a girl. Priceless! Then a group did a song called "Breakfast Club" and they were throwing cereal everywhere on the stage... Then they chucked bran muffins into the crowd.
Then the judges decided on who would win the little competition. In 3rd place was the Breakfast Club. In second was the gr.9 whore hip-hop dancers... And, in 1st... TIME WARP!!! Yes, they won! They're apparently going to Nationals, too! CONGRATS, GUYS!!! I hugged practically everyone in that group to congradulate them, then left the Caf and into the A-Wing, where everyone else went. They were getting everything cleaned up in the hall, and just jumping for joy because they won! lol!
Travis wandered into the A-Wing, and I introduced him to whoever came up to talk to me. Mal made an interesting comment something along the lines of "And people want to rape [i]my[/i] brother... Gaw! Look at that kid!" I was just like "OMG, Mal! He's 12, and he's Steven's little brother!!!" lol! He was looking for Steven, and that's when I noticed that he was gone. I told him to follow me as I wandered back in through the Caf, then into the foyer. I told his mom that he was gone, and that I'd continue looking for him for them. She told me that she was going outside for a smoke if I did find him. Okay.
So Colin and I searched for a while, then thought to ourselves "Oh shit... What if he's out having a cig and his mom sees him?! She'll kill him!!!" So we ran outside, and what do you know? Steven and Jade walk up from the side of the school. I was freaking out at that point, and the first thing Colin asked him was if he was smoking. No. PHEW!!! Once he went back into the school Jade explained that they just went for a walk to talk about me... Okay... :? *shrugs*
Everyone started leaving then, only Colin, Steven, Kristina and I were left. Kris started to sing and everyone was just like ... :shock: "wtf?" XD! Steven, Kris and I all ended up getting into our cars at the same time, and Colin went to Best Buy. At home just in time for Simpsons, what a life.
Now I'm incredibly depressed again. For a while there I wasn't thinking, but when I started writing on this blog... It all came rolling back. *sighs* Why can't I just feel at home again? :cry:
I'm on the school computer, again. It's after school, this time, and I'm just shitting around wasting time while I wait for Air Bands. It starts at 7pm, but I didn't particularily want to go home because I wanted to hang out with my friends, so here I am. So I'll start with how my day went...
I woke up and I didn't feel as sick as I did yesterday, so I got up and went to school. I was going to go anyways, because of Air Bands, but I was just releaved I was feeling a little better. Kelsey saw me at my locker in the morning before school started and she started talking to me about her mechanical baby and how it drove her nuts. I laughed. Then she started talking about how the first night (last night) without it, she had to baby-sit her baby cousins. LOL! Poor Kelsey... I can see her with about 20 kids in a few years. She just loves babies and is a very mothering and kind person; her kids will be very lucky to have a mom like her. ^^
I had Ancient Civs first, of course, since it IS my homeroom class. We just prepared for the test we have coming up. Quite boring. I saw Steven walk out of his Law class after first period, and I just walked up and hugged him. Last night he called me from god knows where on his cell phone because he was depressed / pissed off and took a walk again. He scares me when he does that, because I don't always know if he's going to make it home safely. I told him to call me back when he did get home, just so I know. He called me on his way back, which, I suppose, was better than nothing. So ya... I hugged him, then we walked down the hall together, hugged again, then went our seperate ways. Not much was said beween us, but it wasn't needed.
I went to English... Ms.Morris bitched at me because I'm "always" sick, and that "she doesn't see me in class enough" - wtf? I was gone for two days, and I didn't have class with her on another; it's the first time I've stayed home sick in what, 3 months? And she's bitching at me? Ya... w/e.
Parenting was entertaining, I guess. Mal and Jade didn't show, again. If Mr.L had asked, I would have told him that they were skipping. Seriously, I've had enough of covering Jade's ass when she skips Bio or Parenting. It's not so much Mal because she doesn't skip as often, but they were both gone so its not like I could have been "Jade's skipping... But I don't know where Mal is!" - it'd be too obvious I was lying. I wasn't going to go up to Mr.L and tell him straight out, I was just going to do that if he asked. Good thing for them he didn't. I guess he already assumed they were. Smart guy. Steven and I talked about my plans for moving after I graduate. I was kind of dissapointed, because he didn't even say he was going to miss me when I'm gone. *sighs* oh well...
At lunch I decided to watch my friends perform their Air Bands dance; they invited me to join in and be a part of it tonight, but I turned it down. I mean, I'm a quick learner, and I've watched them before, so I pretty much know the dance already... It's just that there's NO WAY they were going to get me up on stage and make me dance for a bunch of strangers! *shakes head* lol!
I broke down at the end of lunch. I just started crying... I was watching Steven do the Time Warp and I just started thinking about how much I miss just hugging him and not having to let go for hours on end... Kayla (among others, but specifically her) noticed this. She came up to me and nelt down in front of me and told me she knew exactly how I felt, and that things will get easier. She told me Steven isn't worth my tears, and that some day some amazing guy is going to come and sweep me off my feet. I just don't like waiting...
The bell rang, and I had drama, so I didn't have to move (the Air Bands rehersal was in the drama room). In our groups we ran over our dances again to make sure we haven't forgotten anything. Then we finalized our tableaus for the beginning of our song, then when through the running order of our group dances. He then taught us the final part of the dance that we do as a group, which was beyond gay, and then class ended.
Photography was mildly entertaining. Staci, Ryan and I passed notes gossiping about how retarded Erica's fasion sense is. She was wearing a t-shirt today that's not meant to be worn by a teenager, but by 5 year-old kids! No joke, either, it was one of those Brownie Girl's shirts that say "I promise to share and be a friend!" ...Ew. Too tight. She has nothing to show off, either. XP
By the end of class I managed to get pissed off again, then went to Biology. I had no idea we were going to have a test today because I've been away for a while. I missed the entire sub-unit, and I couldn't answer ANY of the questions. I didn't even bother to hand the test back, it was that bad! We took notes for the rest of the class, and then school was over.
I saw Tom on my way out from Bio, and he walked me to my locker. We talked for a bit, and I asked him if I could borrow a quarter to call my mom. I had to make sure it was alright if I stayed at school and didn't come home for dinner tonight. I told her I had money and I'd go to Harvey's across the street when I got hungry. I doubt that'll happen, though.
Somehow, I managed to break Steven's blue sunglasses - and he needed those for his Air Bands preformance! It was an accident! He took my spot in our circle and I pushed him out of the way, then he pushed me... Then it was this giant wrestle for the spot in the circle and when he pulled out his sunglasses from his pocket they had snapped in half! I felt so bad, but I couldn't help but laugh. Since I live closest to the school, he asked if I had any sunglasses at home that he could borrow. We have tons, my mom practically collects them. So he called my mom, and they talked for a while, then he went to go bus over. My mom has always loved Steven, so she was more than happy when he called her. I offered to go with him, but he didn't care, and I decided to stay behind to write my blog. It's weird - I didn't go home today after school, but Steven did. ...? lol! He's still not back yet. *shrugs* I blame the busses. Or my talkative mom. lol!
I'm done writing for now, my back is starting to hurt, and the light from the sun is blazing in my eyes. So... Bye!
I stayed home again today. Blarg. I hate my sinuses! *rips at face*
My mom tried to wake me up at 7, but I was way too tired and sick, so I just kinda... rolled over and didn't get back up until noon. I accidentally kicked my cat when he was sleeping at the end of my bed, again. Poor baby! *huggles* (He's sleeping on my bed now - what a sweetheart!)
After a while (about ten minutes) of sitting around with no one on MSN, I decided to start playing The Sims for the first time in what seems like forever. I made a new "family" and I got them a dog, and then took them on vacation (yay expansion packs!). I just got off now to see if anyone was on MSN and to write this blog. No one's on, so I'm gonna go play again. Later!
From where I left off... Careers ended, and I didn't want to go to my Drama class, so I stuffed my bag in Steven's locker. Turned out I had to go to my Drama class anyways to get my ticket signed by Mr.Mo... Oh well.
Kelsey and I go up together to the Caf with her mechanical baby (yes, it's her turn!). I begged her to let me hold him during the Sears Fest performance, but she kept saying no. lol! It's much more fun when it's not your job to take care of it.
The show was great! Even though I wasn't very happy, it managed to make me laugh. Colin snuck in to see it, even though he was expelled a while ago. And Kelsey actually let me hold the baby for about ten minutes, then it started to cry. Loudly. lol! I wanted to grab my key, but I realised that I had to pass it to Kelsey to make it shut up! Geoff was the main character, acting as a director for a movie they were filming. [i]GEOFF AND CHRIS, YOU DID [b]AWESOME[/b] JOBS[/i]!!! YAAAAAY!!! I agree, cows bobbing their heads DO look like boats! :wink: (...only not...)
So then I went to the bus stop because I really don't like walking home in the cold. I talked with Sam and Nadia; unfortunately, both are friends with Jess, who also take the bus. So, I decided to have a little fun and started talking about how I now have my G1... Jess was just like "Omg! Congrats, Sarah!" and I was just like "Yes, go me." Debra sat across from me on the bus, and Mark sat next to me. Man, I haven't talked to him in forever! He hasn't changed a bit.
I came home and decided that I wanted to listen to my burnt cd of OLP. I started to think back to when Steven and I went to the Our Lady Peace concert... That's when I got my Finger Eleven shirt, they opened for OLP. I've been having a lot of flashbacks today. *sighs*
I noticed Steven was online, and decided that then would be a good time to unblock him and apologize for being so selfish. I was, but at the same time I wasn't. I just wanted to take some time to care for myself, but I ended up hurting a few people in the process. I'm glad I took that time, though. I enjoied being happy for a while, because that chance doesn't come by often. Hardly ever. He was heasitant at first; he was asking me a lot of questions to see how serious I was about him being my friend again. I don't blame him for being edgy.
I know he's been really upset lately, it seems like he can't catch a break. Usually when things like this happens, he takes long walks or bus rides away from home to clear his head. I offered to meet him at Baseline Sation if he wanted to talk (also, I wanted to prove to him that I'll be there for him). He declined because he for some reason didn't want to leave home. I didn't really think he would, anyways, because it was his mom's birthday today. He thanked me for offering, though. He's always been very polite.
I started talking to Colin, then. He was very upset because he's constantly trying to help people with their problems, but he couldn't help everyone at once. I told him to just stop trying to help them for a while and to take care of himself for a change. He's been neglecting his own problems, absorbing himself in his friends... I mean, it's all well and good to try and help your friends; but not to the point where you're drowning in them, ignoring your own. I got incredibly pissed because he wasn't listening to me, and I started to think that no one even payed attention when I'd give them advice.
I got on my whole "I just want people to tell me they care!" kick again, and started ranting at Steven and Colin. They both told me that everyone in our group does care about me, and that I should just trust them on that. I just found it kind of hard to trust them because they never tell me. Steven pretty much told me that no one tells me they care about me because they're scared I'll freak out on them. WTF? Why would I go all psycho-bitch on someone for [i]caring[/i] about me? It would make my [i]LIFE[/i] if they'd tell me once in a while that they cared about me!!! I told Colin what Steven said, and he agreed! Arg! There are only a few people who aren't "scared". I started crying hysterically and hyperventalating. Everything started hurting; my lungs, face, eyes, head... It was bad. I just hated the thought of people being scared of me - especially my friends!
Colin then started talking about how he cared, even though he didn't know me very well. So we decided to get to know each other better by... *drum roll* telling each other our life stories! Hahaha! Believe it or not, it worked. I felt a whole lot better after, and I learned a great deal about Colin! I think after our little talk he realised that he does need to pay attention to himself more, because a lot has happened in his life. I'm glad I got through to him... =3
Everyone signed off, and now I'm just watching Just Shoot Me (I [i]love[/i] this show!). My head and eyes still hurt, but I don't care. ...Okay, maybe I do. I'm gonna go get a Tylenol now! ^^'
Right now I'm in Careers class in the computer lab. I'm supposed to be writing a five paragraph essay about myself, but I'd rather rant about today's experiences than tell my teacher about how my future is fucked.
I cut myself last night.
I woke up this morning and my throat wasn't sore. ...My sinuses were. Great, I have a sinus infection! YAY! My mom gave me a zink thingie to make it feel better, then gave me a second one to take later in the day. I took a halls just for the hell of it then got a drive to school. My head was just like "whoa...". A wonderful start.
I had parenting class first. I sat at my regular table, even though Steven was there. I needed to talk to someone, and Mal has always been there for me when I've really needed her. She didn't talk, she just listened, which is what I needed at the time. (If you're wondering what I was talking to her about, read my last blog - that just about sums it up). I didn't even think Steven remembered, but it turns out I was wrong. He gave me a hug after class (I cried a fair bit), then walked me to Math (where I cried some more).
In English I had to concentrate on taking notes off of that chapter we were watching on TV, so I didn't have time to cry then. I guess that's good. Lunch came around and I just wanted to read my book, Time Enough for Love. Gavin was being an idiot in my opinion, and spent 15 minutes burping. I got up and left before I punched him in the face. He didn't know what was going on, but his burping was incredibly annoying! I sat in the cold stairway and read for a while. I didn't manage to finish my chapter because Chris and Colin came by to say hi. I didn't tell them what was wrong, but they knew something was up. How could they not? I was crying again...
Infact, I'm crying right now...
*sighs* I had Biology after lunch. I was upset because Jade didn't come to class, again. I really miss having her there, because without her I have no one to talk to. I had to go to my locker to get my text book, but on my way back down the stairs to the main floor, I stopped in the stairway, by the window on the South side of the school. The sun was always really warm there, and I was freezing from sitting on the basment stairs. I put my hands on the warm metal, and my rings made a clanking sound. The clanking sounds and the heat of the metal railing made me think back to when I was in BC and my sister and I took my little cousins Rachel and Spencer to the park near their house. We played on the jungle gym and pretended we were animals. I was Lazy, the Sloth. That's just proof of how much of a horrible time I had. I didn't do anything, I just sat around and moped. I so badly wanted to go home to Ottawa to see Steven again... I shouldn't have wasted those two weeks worrying about him. I should have let go and have fun; I have no idea when I'm going to see all of them next. I'm assuming 5 years, at least. I went back to Bio and took the other zink my mom gave me.
Careers was next, so I came down to the computer lab and Steven came in. He asked me if I wanted another hug, and I did. I just really miss him... Nothing seems right anymore. I feel so out of place. He left for a guidance appointment, and I started to cry again. I stopped, then started this blog; then started crying all over again. I've more or less stopped now, but I could start up any minute...
We all bought out of next class to see a drama performance in the Caf. I hope that brings up my spirits. I don't like being depressed; but that's beyond my control. I'll write about the preformance later.
I'm about to write about something [i]incredibly[/i] personal, but my life is pretty much an open book. And I need to vent to something, but nearly all of my friends have signed out...
I just realised that tomorrow was the day, one year ago, I lost my virginity. At the time it seemed right, but now I'm not so sure anymore... I feel as if I just threw it away on someone who didn't deserve it. Sure, I loved him, but... I just ended up having my heart broken in the end.
When I was a little girl I made a promise to myself, like all little girls do. I didn't care about waiting until [i]after[/i] I was married, as long as we'd [i]eventually[/i] get married. I only ever wanted to have sex with my future husband. I met Steven and I instantly thought that he was "the one". Everything happened so fast... We only waited about a month and a half, but I felt like that was okay. I was a stupid little 15 year-old.
Everyone around me was telling me that High School relationships usually don't last, but I wanted to prove them wrong. I was so sure I would, too... As you can tell, I really did love Steven; why else would I stick with him through his cancer and never give up hope? The last thing I wanted to do was lose him... But I guess that loss was destined to happen one way or another.
Things changed so quickly, and now I can't stand to even look at his face. I really don't want to hate him... And I don't. It's just very hard. I was so sure I was over all of this already! Why can't I just move on? When he left, he took a rather large chunk of my heart with him. I'm probably never going to get it back...
I feel like such a whore! I know it was only one guy, and I loved him... But... I can't help but feel this way. I should have waited. Was he even worth it? I was too young. I wasn't mature enough, even though I thought I was.
I don't plan on having another sexual relationship for a long time, when I [i]know[/i] I'm ready. ...Well, I guess I already know how much that promise is worth. I "knew" I was ready a year ago. Was I? I'm not even sure anymore! I have all these questions, but I don't have any answers.
*sighs* I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.
Damnit, dad! Why do you keep getting sick? Now I have it! Urrrrrrrrrg..................... I woke up today, planning on going to school even though I felt like shit; but my sister saw me and she was like "No! I'm telling mom you're sick!"
My dad thought I just wanted to sleep in because he caught me on the computer at 2am last night. What he doesn't know is that it's next to impossible for me to sleep any earlier than that on a regular basis. He loudly voiced his opinion to my mom about me being sick, along with a whole bunch of issues (one of which I never, [i]ever[/i] wanted to hear... [u][b]EVER[/b][/u]!!! ...I'm emotionally scarred, no joke.). Ya, my parents were fighting. A lot. That kept me up for about 2 hours. I eventually fell asleep, once one of them left, I think.
My mom woke me up at noon because she didn't want me sleeping in too much and stay up late again tonight. Ya, like that'll stop me. I found my cat sleeping at the end of my bed and I pet him for a while before I turned on my TV in hopes of finding something thats not so... day-time TV boring. I was in luck - on Spike TV they have a thing called Monday Marathon - and today just happened to be MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge). Damn, I love that show. I watched it until 3pm, then I turned to my comedy. Ah, gotta love comedy.
I didn't want to move so I tried to get my dads laptop so I could continue laying on my comfy bed, but that didn't work. So here I am... I had to move all the way across my room! *gasps*
Ya, I'm incredibly bored. Maybe something entertaining will happen later tonight? *shrugs*
Refering to my last blog... I'm not upset about not going to the movie anymore, I've had time to calm down a bit. But, I still can't be Steven's friend. That I'm at least sticking with. I'm just not sure if I'll be down at the basement at all anymore; that really depends if people want me there or not. I'll go if they really want me to, but I wont be too happy if Steven's there... I'll try my hardest do hide that, though.
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Just a side note: I got my pictures back today. Kayla, your picture is awesome! And you think you take bad pictures... PAH! And to Jade and Mandy, your pictures came out just as I thought they would... Hehehe... Oy, I couldn't show my mom those ones! And Mal, I have pictures of you and Colin, do you want to see them? ^^' But my favourite picture would have to be the one I took of Staci - omg! She looks[i] soooooo [/i]pretty!
Believe it or not, it was getting those photos that cheered me up. I guess just [i]seeing[/i] my friends made me feel better... *hugs*
Wherever I want to be, he's there. I just want to have fun for a couple hours with my friends without him popping up and ruining everything... I wish I could just ignore him, like everyone's telling me to, but I can't!
He's like a splinter; very small in comparison to everything else, but bloody painful and constantly in the back of your mind. All you want to do is get rid of this god damned splinter, but it takes many attemps and it irritates the skin around it. I just want to get him away from me and pretend like I never threw away that year of my life on him!
Some of you may not know why I'm so fed up with him; either that or you just don't care. Some of you didn't even give me the chance to explain myself (like my own [i]sister[/i], for example). I explained my reasonings in a previous blog, so if you do care enough to find out why, go find it, because I don't care to repeat myself.
As some of you may already know, I cancelled plans yesterday for sleeping over at Braden's house because Steven was going to be there. Now, Kayla wanted to get everyone last night to see a movie, but that didn't work out, and with a little bit of begging from me, she rescheduled for today. I was like "Great! This should be fun!" ...But she invited Steven this time. He agreed to go and I had to back out. I really wanted to go, too. I just wanted to have fun for a couple hours...
It's almost as if they prefer spending time with Steven over me. Like I'm not good enough for them. He gets invited everywhere, while I sit at home wondering if anyone's doing anything today. And they always are, but they never tell me about it. I have to find out in peoples blogs after they get home about what they did and how much fun they had. I only ever get invitations from Kayla. Like on Friday, everyone was going over to Andrews. Andrew himself didn't invite me to go - Kayla did! I already had plans, so I didn't go; but Steven did, so even if I didn't have plans I wouldn't have gone.
I don't want to make my friends choose between me or Steven, that's why I'm backing off. They seem to like him more, anyways. I'm not going to the basement anymore. I'll be returning back to my grade 6 status as the wondering loner. Well, having friends was fun while it lasted.
I realise I'm contradicting myself... I don't want to be friends with Steven because whenever I talk to him, he makes me depressed and I just want to be happy. But by cutting him out of my life, I'm cutting out all of my friends as well. What was making me happy was this saying: "These are supposed to be the best years of my life, so I'm going to live them to the fullest!" - but how can I live my life to the fullest if I don't have any friends? He's being cut out so I can be happy; but since my friends go with Steven, how can I be? Either way I'm destined to be depressed... I guess these past two weeks were just a fluke.
I can't go on being his friend anymore, I just can't. Whatever else happens, I'll just have to deal with.
I had so much planned for today... But I did NOTHING! *sighs*
I'm sooooo bored. I'm just sitting here... watching comedy... again. *sighs* I was invited to [i]four[/i] things today, [i]FOUR[/i]! And I didn't go to [i]any[/i] of them. What kind of loser am I? lol! ^^'
About two weeks ago I was invited to go sleep over at Braden's house for tonight. I said yes, because I didn't really get to hang out with those people (meaning Tom, Braden, Naomi, and Sophie - other people were going, but I don't know them). If you read yesterday's blog, there's a paragraph about how I told Steven I can't be his friend anymore... Well, Steven's going to that sleepover thing. I roughly explained to Braden the situation, and he understood. He just said "Don't worry, we won't hold it against you. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as my ex, either. We'll miss you." I couldn't help but feel bad, but... what else could I do?
Then, on Wednesday I was invited to go to Laser Quest with Andrew and everyone else. Well, that was the last I heard of that plan, so I don't even know if they went today or not! Also, my online friend Dan has been wanting to meet me, and invited me to a house party. At the time I thought I'd be going to Braden's house, so I turned that down.
Then just a couple hours ago I got an email from Kayla (well, actually, she didn't have my right email address, so she got Geoff to forward it to the right one) asking who wanted to go see a movie tonight. I was just like "Dude! I do! I do!" ...But then Kayla's mom kinda backed out of the idea. I convinced Kayla to send another email for tomorrow, because I still do want to see a movie. Because I HAVE NO LIFE!!! ...lol!
So those are the plans I [i]SHOULD HAVE[/i] had... This is what I [i]ACTUALLY[/i] did...
I woke up at around noon-ish to the smell of pizza pops. Odd, because we don't even have any in the house. I looked out the window and wanted to scream. It wasn't snowing, oh no, it was [i]raining[/i]! So, even if my dad [i]was[/i] considering letting me drive today, that hope had shattered into a zillion pieces. ...I suppose that was a fifth plan for today that didn't turn out; because my dad said if the weather cleared up he'd let me drive. *sighs*
I took a shower, because I felt gross. After I went on Neopets - I haven't been on my account in ages, but what with Geoff mentoning it in his livejournal, and watching Andrew play pyramids, and Allen nearly always talking about it, I ended up (out of pure boredom) logging back in on my account. I had to fix up a lot of stuff; my pets were dying, the info in my profile was WAAAAY off, and my game stats were gone!!! My game stats were something to be proud of, too! I started training my pets again, and jezus are they strong! I had no idea how well off they were... ^^'. Just incase any of you care, my username is [i]Katchi_K[/i]; I don't care for that name anymore, but my account is too good to just throw away because of a name. I spent the majority of today playing Pyramids and this new game that I had never heard of before today.
I really wanted to watch a movie today... And I can, because I have a DVD player in my room. But I've seen every movie in the house about a thousand times each, and I want something new... I might pop in [i]Time Machine[/i] later tonight if I get really bored. Which I know I will.
Last night I was talking to my mom and I managed to convince her to take me to get my G1 today. I was incredibly happy, but I didn't know how serious my mom was, because that wasn't the first time she'd said something like that...
This morning she woke me up at 7 (I wanted to sleep in but [i]nooo[/i]!) and gave me breakfast in bed again. Oy... She never stops with the food! lol! She drove my sister and I and told me that she'd meet me directly after school; she was serious!
In Ancient Civs, my homeroom, I heard some very interesting stories from Brianne about how obsessed Laura is with one certain member of the 67's (a hockey team). It kind of frightened me... But Laura is still my friend, so I guess it didn't matter. Roxanne, who was in our group got totally pissed at Bri, Carl and I when we were talking about these obsessions and started being a total control freak. She left for a minute and the three of us were just like "...what the hell was [i]that[/i]???" Urg...
In english we watched the next chapter of the book on tape. Ya, they actually made a little movie on a part of that crappy book! The casting was absolutly horrible; Sam, the nerd, is this huge guy (meaning hight wise, broad shoulders) with giant glasses. You'd expect a nerd to be scrawny... And his best friend is fat, when he's supposed to be "cute". *sighs* oy. Parenting was generally uneventful (for me, anyways).
Lunch was more or less dull, today. 'Cept I went to my locker to get an orange out of my lunch for Jade, and $2 for the show on Tuesday (I think). I didn't have any pockets because today was PJ Day at school and I was wearing my PJ pants. So... I stuffed the toonie into my bra. DAMN COLD!!! ...Colin took the toonie that was in my bra and traded me for it. ^^' Guys... Yeesh! Apparently he's going to frame it and put it on his wall! Gaah! O.O
In drama class we were continuing our dances. Jeremy taught me how to click my heals in mid air, which was cool because I never thought I could do that. So as part of Adam and my dance, we jump and click our heels and run off stage. Hehe! My ankles hurt after a couple run-throughs, but it was fun! We got the entire four sets done, and preformed it in front of the class. We just have to make a few things tighter, and we're good to go! XD
Just as drama ended Erica was talking to me, and I don't know how, but she ended up saying... Well, I'll just type it in chat format: [u]Erica[/u]: "Well, [i]last time I checked [/i]you were straight..." [u]Me[/u]: "[i]Last time you checked[/i]..." [u]Erica[/u]: "Well you are straight, [i]right[/i]?" [u]Me[/u]: "Um... Half..." Then she totally freaked out and was like "OMG! How long have you known!" (she's bi, too - and the entire school knows it) and apparently Kayla overheard and started asking the same questions and I was just like "Ahh! Must go to class!" *runs away to hide from the world*. lol!
Unfortunately, Erica's in my Photography class... Which I just [i]happened[/i] to have next! She then started bugging me, and was like "So how'd you find out? Who was it?" And that confused me, because no certain person made me realise I was bi. I've actually known for a couple years now, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I eventually fessed up after Steven dumped me and was like "Okay - jezus, Sarah! You like boobs! GET USED TO IT!!!" LOL! I told her that and she was just like "Sure, sure, Sarah... I believe you!" *rolls eyes*. Then she continued to talk about how she discovered that she was bi in grade 9 when she met my friend Kristina and... she stopped talking. I was just like "[i]and who[/i]???" and she just smiled and burst out laughing. :shock: ME!
Kris (the same "Kris" Erica has a crush on, the one I've known since kindergarden) saw me in my PJ's and was like "You're wearing purple! That makes me happy!" I'm always wearing dark clothes, and today my over-sized t-shirt from NS was purple with a boat on it, and my pants were blue and purple tartan. Comfy! The funny thing is, this isn't what I usually sleep in. I'm usually in a tank top and (tight) black shorts. Colin found out and he was just like "......Why didn't you come in that?!?!?" XD
Partway through Photography I went and found Steven. I can't handle being his friend anymore! I mean, this is the first time in about 6 years where I've been really happy for no apparent reason; just because I'm alive. And he's depressed. Constantly. Whenever I talk to him he had nothing happy to say, he doesn't even have anything neutral to say! Whenever I talk to him, he drags me down, and all I want is to be [i]happy[/i]. I feel bad for the kid, but I mean, you can only try and help someone so much and fail so many times before you freak out and give up - y'know? I tried, I honestly did. But [i]nothing[/i] worked. I'm sorry, but I can't put myself through this anymore. Get help, Steven. Nothing we do is working for you, obviously. If you choose one bit of advice I give you to listen to, please make it that.
In Bio we did some breathing tests to see how much air our lungs can hold. It was fun, I guess. I now know that my lungs can hold 3.6L of air. Gaw! After classes were over I saw Kayla in the halls and she was like "Dude, are you going to Andrew's house?" and I was like "Gaah! No! I can't! I would, but I have to get my G1 now!" So I got down Andrew's address just incase my mom agreed to drive me over to his house afterwards, even though I figured it was doubtful.
My mom drove my sister and I both down to take my test. The lady at the counter gave me a number and told me to sit down. I had E84, and the last number called was C63 - I figured it would take a looooong time. It didn't, the numbers were generated at random, apparently. Besides, there was only about 7 other people there waiting. lol! So we go over to counter #10, and they give me an eye test thing, then the lady takes my picture. I just know it's going to be dreadful. It always is.
She then sent us to counter #16. They gave me the tests and I sat down at this tiny little desk and wrote it. Everyone was right, those questions are [i]damn easy[/i]! Common sense, people! They check the answers right then and there, and I [i][b]PASSED[/b][/i]!!! They gave me my temporary G1, and said I'll get my real one in the mail in 2-3 weeks (which means I'll get it in about two months. lol!). I couldn't stop laughing the entire way home. I asked my dad when I can drive the car and he was just like "Whoa, whoa, whoa - slow down! ...I'm not ready to have you drive yet!" XD I'll be driving when the roads and weather clear up. It's not really safe during a snow-fall... *sighs*
I went on my computer when I got home and told everyone online! I am soooo happy! My friend, Jeff... Wait... I know way too many Jeff/Geoff's. One is my cousin (Geoff), another is a friend from grade 3 (Geoff), another is a friend from grade 6 (Jeff), and the last one is someone I met last month on DA and happens to be the older brother of a guy I go to school with and is 20 years old (Jeff). The last "Jeff". He saw my MSN name ("I PASSED!!!") and knew that I took the test today. Instead of congradulating me on MSN, he decided to call me! His voice sounded exactly how I imagined it would; a lot like his brother's, actually. We talk for a bit, but then I realise I'm trying to do too many things at once and we hang up and talk on MSN. lol!
I just finished watching "The Mask" - I love that movie. We got it out of a box of cereal. Yuuuuup. Free movie! Whoo! ...And now I must go and eat my dinner. *dances* Over all, this has been a [i]great day[/i]!
:D !!!
Wow, I feel like I haven't done a single bit of work today!
Today started off with... guess what? Me sleeping in [i]again[/i]. I gotta stop doing that... This morning was really bad, though. For some reason I was really off. For the first hour or so all I could see out of my right eye was white. Seriously, it didn't work. I was so freaked out! Then after my sight came back I got this throbbing headache! And I had a test in the next class, so that was no good... Thankfully Bri had the easy-swallow Advil and gave me one. It kicked in five minutes before math, so I was saved. I believe I did a good job on the test, so I'm happy with that.
English was cancelled. Yay! Ms.Morris walks into the class and was like "Good news; class is cancelled. I have a dentist appointment in ten minutes." Good thing, too, because I hadn't finished reading the chapter (ya, the one about the pervert nerd) and we were supposed to have a test on it today. *phew*. So I wandered down to the basement to see if anyone would be down there (it sometimes happens). Chris was, so I sat down and talked to him the entire period. Fun fun.
Lunch bell rang and everyone went into the foyer to sell tickets to the Sears fest on monday. I sat with them and talked to Staci and Jade nearly the entire time. Haha, Staci told Jade to smack Erica just for the hell of it, and she agreed to. So... When Erica came around, Jade smacked her. I didn't expect her to do it, but [i]damn [/i]was it [i]funny[/i]! She didn't even know why, either (then again, neither did we)...
In careers we had to fill out our "COPS". I have no idea what that stands for, but basically we just answer questions, add things up, and then it tells us what career we should have. *shrugs* - It's my second time filling it in because I [i]FAILED[/i] last year. It was very stupid, the questions on this thing were so retarded - and some of them were the same as other ones only worded differently! No joke! "[i]Would you sell equipment for a sporting goods shop?[/i]" then a couple questions down was "[i]Would you sell equipment for a sporting goods store?[/i]" Sorry, bud - but a shop and a store are the SAME DAMN THING!!!
Anyways, drama was fun, as always. I love that class. We're making a dance for the song "Luck be a Lady" from the movie Guys and Dolls. So Mr.Mo put us into four groups (Eric, Adam, Jeremy, April, and Carl are in my group) and told us to make a dance for part of the song (4 sets of 8 beats). Carl set up the choreography for his and Eric's part, as well as parts of April and Jeremy's (we're doing everything in pairs), but Jeremy did the rest for their section; while I set up the choreography for Adam's and mine. Carl has some really good ideas. I was kind of amazed. Haha!
I had Photography last today. I got in the darkroom REALLY fast and managed to get one of the [i]good[/i] enlargers! I got [i]three[/i] pictures done! YES!!! I [i]finally[/i] finished the first assignment! *dances*. I still smell like developer, though... I love that class - I have so much fun in it! Ryan is great, we have some of the best inside jokes! "Mommy! The Photography students are making fun of me again!" LOL!
I finished the pictures with 15 minutes to spare; so I wandered the school looking for people to talk to. I found Jade and Mandy in the basement. I talked to them for about 5 minutes, then continued to wander. I walked into the library and James, Liz and Andrew were all sitting at computers. I watched Andrew play on Neopets for a while, and then I discovered something... I didn't feel anything anymore. It was just... gone. It was sooooooooo trippy! The little voice in my head was just like "Gaah! He's a friend! Nothing more! Hehe!" I'm single, and I really don't want to be in a relationship for a long time to come. I'm proud of myself. I don't feel like I [i]need[/i] someone; I'm strong enough to take care of myself now. *jumps for joy*
Walking home I bugged Stephie some more. For some reason she was really clingy and she held onto my arm the entire way home. I took advantage of this and shoved her into puddles as I walked on the snowbanks beside them. She got home and her socks were soaked. I did good. *nods*
Something totally freaky happened to me last night. There's this thing on DA (deviant art - the first link on the left is my gallery) where you type in your position and it shows you what other DA members live closest to you. Well about a month ago I found a friends older brother and we've been talking ever since. Just last night someone found me. Apparently, he lives about 2 miles from my house near the library. Dan's very sociable and pretty much just gave me his phone number and asked for mine. We ended up talking for quite a while on the phone, and it turns out we have [i]a lot [/i]in common. He wanted to meet me at the library today, but I didn't know if anyone would be doing something after school today, so I told him that I'd need more notice if we're to hang out. I felt so bad when I found out that they [i]weren't[/i] doing anything, and that I'll be busy all tomorrow and all weekend... *sighs* It almost sounds as if I'm making up excuses! ...Now don't get started with the whole "Meeting people from the internet isn't safe!" deal, because I know it isn't safe... but I feel like I can trust him. That's actually a problem with me, I trust people too easilly... Oh well. ^^ That's not [i]always [/i]a bad thing!
I'm shivering like crazy! And it's not even cold in my room... Eh, well, I don't care. Nothing else has happened as of late, so I don't have anything else to add... Later!
Today was long and boring. I slept in again today. *sighs* maybe I shouldn't stay up until 2am watching 3rd Rock and Dharma and Greg... Oh well.
Mal walked up to me at my locker before school started and lay down beside me on the floor. She didn't want to go down to the basement with everyone else for some reason, so I sat with her. She's been really upset lately, and I can totally understand that. I just wish I could make everything better for her and stop it from hurting... All I can do is be there for her, so that's what I'm doing. *hugs*
I found Andrew standing a couple meters away from my home room door after we were let out to go to our first class. He was holding his option sheet, they're due tomorrow. Well, it turns out his home room teacher's an ass and wanted them in today, but he forgot to get his mom to sign it... So he asked me to sign it instead. :shock: !!! I refused to, and told him to tell his home room teacher to shove the option sheet up their ass if they didn't take it tomorrow, since that [i]is[/i] the official day to hand them back. We talked for a bit, then he walked me to Parenting class (ya, I was late).
Speaking of option sheets... I think I've come to a final decision on what I'm taking next year! English (C - no point in taking anything harder than I need to), Accounting 11 and 12 (yay semestering!), Nutrition Science, Drama, Peer Mentoring, YearBook, and Challenge and Change (Psychology). Ya, it seems almost as if I'm throwing away my year by not taking "real" courses. But, y'know what? All I really need is those two Accounting courses. The rest are just there because I need to graduate with a certain number of credits... And they're fun. At least, I hope they will be... I just wish there was grade 12 Photography or grade 12 Parenting! Those are my two favourite classes. Well, mabye I can be a photographer for YearBook...? I hope.
(Back to my day today...) I don't really remember what happened in Parenting; I was just talking to Mal more, making sure that she's okay [i]and that she won't ever try anything stupid ever again!!![/i] Mal, you scared me shitless. I love you too much to lose you. You've helped me so much in the past; I don't know what would happen to me if you were gone...
*Ahem* ...yes.
Math was, well, math. And English was quite dull. We're reading a book about some pervert nerd kid in grade 11 who draws naked pictures of chearleaders and has a crush on a girl in jr.high! Eew... The sad part is, the book is based on the life of the author. *shudders*. K, well, thats not what the book is [i]based[/i] on, but that's what was in the chapter we read today!
Lunch is always good for a laugh. Geoff, Gavin, StickKid, ...guy-I-can't-remember-the- name-of, Erica / Kayla and I all played asshole ([i]asshole[/i] - not [i]ass[/i], [i]asshole[/i]!!!). A minute into the game Erica got called down to the office, so Kayla took her place and played for her until she came back, like, 7 minutes later. PREZ! GO ME!!! I always win the first round, but then stay neutral for the rest. Oh well. We only played one round, so they'll never know that... Hehehe... :wink:
So then later Katie and I chased Geoff up and down the hall with a sharpie trying to write "PEN15" on his arm. I managed to get the line to start the P, but that was it. Jade was kind enough to let me write that, along with other profanities on her arm. Liiiiike "WILL SUCK 4 $$". I also managed to write "ass monkey" on Erica's hand without her knowing what I was writing. Go me! *dances*
Colin tried to do something stupid the other night, and we were all worried about him. So Mal and... someone else, sent Andrew to his house to see how he was (ya, he went at the beginning of lunch but skipped a class or two, I think). Only problem was that Andrew had no idea where Colin lives. Urgh, I wish someone had told me [i]before[/i] they sent Andrew alone. I could have gone either with Andrew or without, because I actually know where Colin lives! ...Infact, I could go over to his house right now; it'd only take about 5 minutes to walk there.
I had an in-school field trip today. It caused me to miss all of Bio [i]and [/i]Careers (yay!). Good thing, too, because I later found out from Carl that Mr.Gibson brought in real cow lungs and was showing the class how they work. *barfs*. It was for Photography class; there was a guest speaker who's a sports photographer for the Ottawa Citizen. *zzz* - Well, I can only assume it was better than looking at cow lungs! She did tell us an amusing story about how she was hit in the head with a baseball. Part of me wished that it had hit me, instead... lol!
Drama was fun as hell! We learned how to play Craps (omg! fun!). He gave us all pink sheets of paper to pretend was money, and then set us up in groups of about 6. It was me, Erica, Jess (the new kid - she's cool), Eric, Debra, and Adam. We had to play Craps in character, which was a lot of fun. Jess was the House, and she was acting like a tough body-guard kind of person. Which is hilarious, because she's tiny. Erica was "Johnny" - the 12 year-old from Newfoundland. Oy! Eric was just... weird. Debra was "Snake-Eyes"; which was really ironic, because she kept rolling snake-eyes *shakes fist*. Adam was just kind of in the corner not participating. And I was the ditzy valley-girl, Chrissy. Haha, there was one roll where Eric put up all his money and won so I hooked my arm around his. That's when I got labeled as the gambling whore. Haha! :wink:
I got home and Colin was online and he told me something about a 1-year Ball on Gaia. So I went on and discovered that Gaia ( go-gaia.com ) opened one year ago today, and the admins were planning something that was supposed to start any minute. It didn't. It was late an hour. Haha. They just opened up a new thread and gave out party hats and noise makers. But it made me realise that, in less than a month, I'll have been a member of that site for an entire year! Ya, I know, I have no life. Shuttup. :P
There's a grumbly in my tumbly, so I'm gonna go get something to eat. Later.
(The title of this blog has [i]NOTHING[/i] to do with [i]ANYTHING[/i] - I was just bored)
So after my last blog, I had to go to Biology ([i]hate, hate, hate![/i]). I was so bored, so I decided to take out my earings and fiddle with them. I took out my second ones (the spiders) and noticed that the one in my left ear's little pin thingie was crooked. I figured that it was just metal, so it would bend... So I tried to bend it straight, but it was cheap so it broke off. Damn. I later lost the spider part of my earing in the hallway, and when I got home I traded them for the black rose earings I bought on the same day as the spider ones.
I walked home, well, at least half way, with my sister and her friend Krystal. I was bored so I was singling (quite loudly, I might add) the bat-man song, only about a banana popsicle... [i]baaaa-na-na-na-na-na-n a-na-na POPSICLE! Popsicle, popsicle...[/i] If you haven't guessed already, we have banana popsicles at my house. LOL! After bugging her with that for a while, I switched to the Little Spanish Flea song. She [i]hates[/i] that song (because of me, mind you). Krystal found it hilarious. My mom picked us up off the side of the road half way home.
When I got back, I discovered that Jade had started a blog (yaaay - more friends are blogging!). I read her most recent blog, and one of the first lines jumped out at me... "[i]Sarah is...well shes Sarah and we love her[/i]". I was soooo happy when I read that! For some odd reason I felt as if she was mad at me this weekend or something; I don't know why... It's nice to know when your friends care about you. =3
Just a note to you all; ketchup pringles is some narzty ass shit. Don't eat them. Ever. I need gum...
I just got back from dropping off my application form at Rogers Video. *dances* I hope they hire me! It said on the application form that it could take them up to about 3 months for them to reply, but I'm not going anywhere. lol! I handed it to the girl and she asked me three questions; "what's your favourite movie?" "why?" "why do you want to work at rogers?" - all of them were on the application form, but I answered them anyways. Muah. Edward Scissorhands, because he was so misunderstood and it was sad and meaningful at the same time... (and Johnny Depp is just so damn [i]hot[/i]! ...But I didn't say that.) And I want to work at Rogers because it looks like fun (and I have nothing better to do with my time! ...I didn't say that, either.)
If anything entertaining happens later, I'll update my blog. As for now, I'm done typing. *waves*
Yay, I love blogs. Go me. I suck. Haha. I'm at school - Chris and Andrew are sitting at computers in front of me. I'm supposed to be in photograhy class, but I went to take pictures and found them in the compter lab. They're telling me I touch myself at night. They're laughing at me.
K, so I'm pissed off at school; as always. I woke up late this morning; I got up at 7:30 to my mom screaming at me because I slept in too much. Well, considering I should have left ten minutes before, I couldn't really argue with her on that. The school board should change the starting time of my high school. I'm not the only one who thinks that a 8am start is too early! We're sleep deprived teenagers, we need our rest! I think school should start at 10am, and end at noon. Only in a dream world, though...
"If you have to ask what drug you're on, you're not doing enough of it..." -Andrew "Or too much." -Me. Ya, that was pointless. I just decided to add what we just said for the hell of it. Because I can, and you have to read it because its in my blog. MUAHAHAHAHA! ...I'll shut up now.
Back to my day... Well, I had parenting after Ancient Civs (nothing ever happens in AC) and I don't remember any of it! All I remember is sitting down, watching my friends come in, then thinking to myself "Hm... I haven't eaten in days... I'm hungry..." then the rest is a blank. I woke up I'm guessing about 10 minutes later with a headache. I'm guessing I passed out and bumped my head on the table or something. *shrugs*. I think I passed out from the lack of food... So today I [i]actually[/i] ate at lunch. Haha!
So I had math next. I copied down the new formulas (yaaaaay math! I love that class!), then decided since I didn't have my text book, I was going to draw. I drew the outline of this girl in a puffy dress and then the bell rang for lunch. I grabbed my lunch out of my locker and went to the basement. I took my drawing with me so I could finish shading it in. It took me nearly the entire lunch period to finish it, but I think it was worth it. I'm gonna scan it and put it on DA when I get home in... *looks at watch* 2 hours.
I felt very left out at lunch today. :( - everyone was sitting in circles talking to one another and I was on the outskirts, all alone. Kayla and Chris walked over to me and talked to me for a little bit, but then left. It was very depressing; I nearly cried. No joke, my eyes started to water. I hate feeling left out... Or you could just call me a cry-baby and tell me to shove my issues up my ass... Which is always fine with me.
I have a delema. I don't know if I should go to Braden's house on the weekend for a sleepover with [i]that[/i] group of friends, or if I should go with Andrew and [i]that[/i] group of friends to laser quest. This sucks, I hate choosing. Any tips on what I should do?
So ya, that was pretty much my day so far. Ho hum. 8)
*Nods her head to OLP* I love this song! And it suits me so well, too... There's something about their songs that just get to me. I guess because they're all so depressing! That [i]must[/i] be it! :o
Staci and I have been getting closer, lately. It's great! I mean, we've been friends since grade 9, but I never really knew much about her until this year. She's just opened up to me. Last night she was asking me advice on what to do about a guy she likes. And I was just like *gasps* "You're asking [i]me[/i]???" lol! Then today at lunch she came down to the basement [i]just [/i]to talk to me and see whats up. Gaah! I love that girl!
Nothing interesting happened in my morning classes, today. Well, I found out that my Ancient Civs class will be taking a field trip some time in a few weeks to see the Dead Sea Scrolls ("sir, what are the dead sea squirrels?" XD Oh, Sasha, [i]priceless[/i]!) and watch some I-Max movie in the Museum of Civilization. Ottawa - the city of museums. Makes for good field trips!
Gaw - I have noooo idea what my head is telling me anymore! I mean, I'm sure if I just asked him he'd say yes, but I don't know if I want to... It was awkward when we first tried, and I'm sure it still would be. But I can't shake this feeling! I feel like such a horrible person, I've been feeling like this ever since I met him last year in grade 10; and that was while I was going out with Steven... I didn't want to, though! ...I'm not mentioning names for a reason, but you'd have to be a total idiot to not know who I'm talking about (that's only if you know me).
[i]Tina's losing faith in what she knows Hates her music, hates all of her clothes Thinks of surgery and a new nose Every calorie is a war While she wishes she was a dancer And that she'd never heard of cancer She wishes God would give her some answers And make her feel beautiful...[/i]
I relate to that all too well. Line for line, word for word... 'cept my name isnt Tina. LOL! ...That was my pointless input for the day.
Today at lunch had to be the most amusing one yet. I think it started with Erica saying she was hungry and Geoff offered her his apple... Somehow they started chucking it at each other, and apple bits flew everywhere! ...Then they took the apple bits and threw them. So there was even [i]more[/i] apple bits! Then Chris started chasing Kayla with a dried yellow rose and we eventually ended up in a circle in the middle of the hall passing the rose around. I came into the circle just as they were using their zippos to set the damn thing on fire. Idiots! ...Anyways. After it was crispy around the edges, Andrew decided to bite off the top. He stood there for a couple seconds with the burnt yellow rose in his mouth, started to gag and spat it on the ground. OMG! Yeesh! I wonder if he rides the short bus to school... (j/k). Chris had to clean up the hallway if he wanted to be let into our drama class... Poor guy.
I guess that about sums up my school day. If something entertaining happens later today I'll write again. If not, I'll write tomorrow, as usual. =3
I slept in today. Damn, was I tired! All that kinky sex yesterday drained me! :wink: lol! (j/k, btw)
I woke up to my mom feeding me pancakes. Yes, in bed. I nearly crushed my cat with my feet because I didn't realise he was sleeping at the end of my bed and I kicked him. Sorry, babes! I love you!!! *glomps Zeus*
So then my mom decided that she wants to go shopping. I saw this as a chance to finally buy gauges for my ears. We went to this really weird welfare store called The Liquidation Centre; I had been there before. It's like, one of those stores that changes stock every week. It reminds me of Nooks Cranny from Animal Crossing... Anyways. Yes. We go in, and there's this full-size,[i] real[/i] air hockey table in the middle of the room! :shock: [i]WANT[/i]!!! But, it was, I think, $247. Well, if we're doing as well as my dad claims we are, we might just get it! JOY!
We left without buying anything, though. Nothing seemed to grab our attention. Well, that's what you get when your store is on welfare. HAHA! ...Oh, I'm mean. So then we go to Michaels. It's a fancy arts and crafts store. Tres expensive. K, let me explain something first... I have this poster that my mom got me for my birthday. It's just a design, and I have markers to colour it in. It's great! Very complicated work. I'm nearly done it, so my mom got me another one for Christmas. My sister fell in love with the picture on the second one and decided to steal it from me. So, the reason we went into Michaels was because that's where she got the posters, and she wanted to replace the one my sister stole from me. LOL! I got this really cute one; it's a picture of a cabin in the woods with all these animals running around. Adorable. Oh, the second reason we were in Michaels was because a certain shade of purple I was using faded and I needed to replace it to finish my first poster. We found the perfect match and buy everything and get out before something fancy catches our eyes.
Carlingwood Mall was our third and final stop. Claires has a vast selection of earings to choose from, so we decided to try there first. They had this deal "buy two earings, get the third free!" so... I got three pairs of earings. No gauges, though. The first pair were these spikey orange and black balls, but they're kind of rubbery; everyone has them at school and I thought they looked cool. The second pair are black roses - very pretty. And the third were spiders. Muahahaha! After buying them I realised that all three of the pairs I got were meant for my second holes. Woops!
I decided to try Ardene's for gauges, because Claires didn't have very nice ones. I got a set of 4 14 gage lip rings and that took up the rest of my money. I just figured that I'd have something at home for my third holes... I got home and realised that the first set of earings I got looked too big on my ears, because I have small ear lobes. I put the 14 gauges in with no problem at all (I've been threading my looped earings, which are about a 12g anyways, through my ears for months now). I decided to go with the spiders for my second holes. I searched my room, and came across small black earings; the ones the lady used to pierce my second holes over a year ago. I'm glad I kept them! So yes, my ears look tres funky.
Steph and I sat in the living room and coloured posters. We talked to each other for the first time in what seems like forever. She refused to turn on the TV in fear that our conversation would suffer. Hehe, she's so cute.
Today happens to be a very special day. Three years ago today I became a vegetarian. Back then I didn't think I'd last more than a week; but look at me now! Suffering from a lack of protein and iron! YAAAAY!!! I'm just proud I've kept commited to something for so long. Each year I try and get all of my friends to not eat meat on this day. I didn't really enforce it this year, but some of my friends managed to remember on their own! :shock: . My friend in Montreal managed to get his entire grade last year to participate... *hugs Allen* Ahh, I love all of you for supporting me! *hugs'n'glomps for everyone*
Haha, I'm so glad I got everyone over today! Well, not [i]everyone[/i], but you know what I mean.
So, from where I left off in my last blog... I finally call everyone at about 11ish, and determine that we'll all meet at the school around 1:30-2:00. I tried calling Kayla, but apparently she was working all today (aw...). Then I find out that Mal [i]can[/i] come over (yaaaay!), so we talk on MSN for a bit, then she leaves to go catch the bus. I just kind of twiddle around for a bit, being bored. My mom and I head out and she drops me off in front of the school. I walk up towards the doors and Mal pokes her head out and screams, then goes back in. I was a little shaken, but I walk in and was just like "what the hell?". Apparently, she didn't expect me to be [i]right there[/i]. lol! She and Chris were already there, even though they were the two who said that they'd get there around 2ish. Odd. Geoff comes minutes later, and we all wait for Colin.
Meanwhile we were assigning each other characters from the movie The Breakfast Club (just because we were inside the school on a Saturday, and it reminded Chris of that movie). I got to be the freaky loner girl who eventually gets a makeover at the end. Oh boy! Since the only other girl left was Claire, the skank, Mal got her; which, she admited, kind of suited her. LOL! ...I don't remember who Chris labeled himself as, but Geoff was the nerd. Hehe, fun times.
Colin didn't show up after about ten minutes, so Geoff took out his cell phone and Mal called him. Apparently he was heading just out the door as the phone rang. We told him to stay there and we'd walk over to his appartment building; considering it was right accross the field next to my house. I don't know why he wanted to meet us at the school in the first place...
So we walk the 15 minutes to my house, stop there for a minute to warm up, then head out towards the field to Colin's. Well, wouldn't you know it, it's covered in snow a foot thick and, since there's not a lot of bushes or trees, its windy, too! We trudged through the snow, up to the train tracks, up onto the hill and through the fence. We buzzed Colin and joked about how we should buz some random people just for the hell of it. So we eventually get back to my house.
We sat in the living room for a while, talking about, well, god knows what, really! I played with my cat a bit, what a sweetheart he is! We ate some... stuff... I really cant remember what it's called - but Colin brought it. Along with his addictive Red Mountain Dew. Then Mal was like "I want to see your room!" So we all flooded upstairs. Now, my room is kind of small, well "cozy". But they all seemed to love it. I know I do! I had to save my only innocent bear, Leola (yes, I name my bears... shuddup!) from Geoff, who wanted to rape it... I don't know why. We hung out up there for a while, abusing each other horribly. Tickle fights, attempted rapes, what-have-you. Tres fun.
We came to the conclusion that my room was too small for 5 people, and we returned to the living room. We decided we wanted to watch a movie, and ran back up stairs to my room to pick out a DVD. Ya, I know, pointless. Mal saw [i]The Glass House[/i] and instantly grabbed it off of my shelf and ran back down stairs.
So we watched [i]The Glass House[/i]. Well, sort of. lol! We weren't really paying attention to the movie. I'd have seen it so many times before, so it really didn't matter. Mal was the only other one who had seen it, so she was dissapointed that we were the only two out of everyone that was actually watching. My mom came in with nachos for everyone to eat. Bah! She put chicken on all but half of one pan. Oh well, I don't think I could have managed to eat more than that anyways. After she came out with cake. Yeesh, she's always feeding everyone! ...Not that that's a bad thing.
The movie ends with everyone kind of thinking "wtf?" ...But that's just the kind of movie it is. If you've ever seen it, you know what I mean. We talk for a bit more, right on, more tickle-rapes, then my dad informs me that everyone should leave at 6.
My mom was nice and offered Mal a ride home, and offered to drive Chris to his bus stop by the school. Both Colin [i]and[/i] Geoff live just behind my field, so they decided to walk home. We had a very morbid conversation in the car ride once we dropped Chris off about how some parents mistreat their children, and about how children got locked in a burning building... what not. Very depressing stuff.
Braden, Tom and Jeff never showed up. No big deal. Now I'm just watching Just for Laughs. I'm glad I got people to come over, because apparently, I wasn't the only one who didn't want to be alone today. *hugs'n'glomps* I hope you all had fun! :D
(Oh, and if I forgot to mention something, feel free to smack me XD)
Yup, yup. Another day... Only I bothered to make plans. Yesterday I was thinking "Dude, I don't want to be alone on Valentines Day! That would totally suck ass!" So I signed in on MSN and no one was online. Dang. I waited a little while and Geoff signed on. I told him my ideas, and he just kinda went along with them.
Seeing that no one else was going to come on for a while, I picked up the phone and faced my biggest fear... Calling people! *gasps*. Andrew was just heading out the door. He said he'd call back at 9 (it was about 6 then). Okay, fine. So then, for some unknown reason, I decided to call Erica. Something I didn't even do when we were friends. *shrugs*. We talk for a few minutes, determine that she's going to Rideau tomorrow, talk for another few minutes, then she has to go.
I go back to my computer and talk to Geoff a little bit more. I manage to get Chris's number from him, take a deep breath, and call. Ya, I really hate the phone [i]that[/i] much! ...Well, only when I'm calling someone. If they call me, I'm fine. Anyways, So I call, but Geoff switched one of the numbers and I call some woman with an accent. She tells me that Chris doesn't live there anymore, and that he just left for Mexico that day. O.O Um... Okay? I tell Geoff, he realises his mistake, and gives me the [i]right[/i] number. Wonderful for the person afraid of phones! We end up talking for about 45 minutes about, well, pretty much nothing. I really need to get over my fear! lol!
So, back on MSN I go. Colin's now online. Good. I talk to him, and he agrees to come over. He seemed kind of down because Mal was going to be at her Dad's house this weekend... Geoff was also down because Angie (I think I spelt that right) was doing some family thing, I believe, and couldn't see him. Well, that's why I planned this in the first place - to entertain us alone on Valentines Day / Singles Awareness Day... Even if they aren't single. XD
Time rolls by, and so far I have three people coming for sure. Chris, Geoff and Colin. 9 o'clock passes by, and Andrew hadn't called yet. He was always bad at calling. So I grab the phone and call him. He claims he would have [i]eventually[/i] remembered... He's lucky I was in a good mood and didn't care. lol! So I tell him what's up, but he can't come. He has a test on Monday and another test on Tuesday, both in his two hardest classes, and he needs to study. I understand; but I really wanted him to go, so I beg for a bit. That didn't get me anywhere. Oh well.
Braden starts talking to me on MSN now, just randomly, as he always does. He takes notice to my MSN name ("I don't to be alone on Valentines Day! ...Who wants to come over?") and askes me about it. I explain, and he just says "Tom and I should crash your little party tomorrow." and I was like "OMG! You totally should!" ...So ya; if Tom and Braden can get a ride over here, they're coming too. Hehe!
Guess who signs online now? Mal! I then explain to her what's goin' on. Like Colin and Jade pointed out, she's at her dads. She couldn't stay online at that time, but she told me she'd call some time before midnight. She calls at 11, and explains that her dad wants to take her step-mom out, blah blah blah, and she might not be able to go. She then says that she'll talk to him again and call me back later. She did, and her dad said it was okay with him if it was okay with her step-mom. Since it was late, we agreed to talk in the morning and we hung up.
I wanted to call Kayla the entire night to tell her what was going on, but I knew she wouldn't be there, and I had no idea when she was getting back. She was at a concert that could have lasted until god knows when. I figure I'll just get Chris to call her the next day.
It took me what seemed like forever to fall asleep last night! I couldn't get the crying of Jason out of my head; that thing is haunting me, even when it isn't on! *looks at him from the corner of her eye* Stop looking at me! AHH! ...So ya, ANYWAYS!!! I wake up, get dressed, and go on MSN again (MSN is my [i]frieeeeend[/i]!) and Mal's online. She still doesn't know if she can come over or not; she has to wait until her dad wakes up!
I'm debating when I should call and wake everyone up and get a time agreed upon for meeting at the school. We're meeting at the school because everyone knows how to get there, and I only live 15 minutes walking distance from it. Easy.
Have you noticed I managed to write a hell of a lot on basically nothing? ^^' Strange how I can do that, ne?
I just got into yet another huge fight with Steven. He doesn't even [i]try[/i] to understand what I'm going through. He just tells me I'm over reacting and being stupid. He doesn't know what it feels like to feel left out all the time.
I feel like no one cares about me; the only two people I know care are Kayla and Chris, and that's because they tell me they do. No one else takes the time out of their busy lives to let me know. Believe me, it makes a difference when you just simply tell me that you care about me. I need to hear it... It's hard feeling alone all the time.
My life has to be the most boring life out of all the teenagers in existance. I do nothing, day in, day out. I get invited nowhere, and when I try to get people to come over, they make up something so they can't make it. Like just yesterday, I asked Jade if she wanted to come over after we were through at the Civic. She told me she was grounded and had to go home. Next thing I know she, Steven, Andrew and Katie all went to the movies. And Steven tells me I'm over reacting?
And, if you've read my past blogs, you'd know that this isn't the first time something like this has happened. All I want to do is spend some time with my friends, is that so much to ask? I'm [i]never[/i] doing [i]anything[/i], so telling me "Oh, I thought you would be busy..." isn't going to work. If you just simply don't want me there, tell me! I'd rather know that then hear lies all the time. At least then I'd [i]know[/i] I'm not wanted instead of having this painful suspicion. And if you do like spending time with me, CALL ME when you're planning on doing something! If this weren't posted on the internet, I'd put up my phone number just to [i]make sure[/i] you have it! Yes, I [i]really am this desperate[/i]!
Steven accused me of not even trying to get together with people. Which is a damn lie! I've been asking Jade nearly every day if anyone's doing anything after school; and each time she says the same thing, "I don't know." I wait for times when the majority of my friends are all on MSN at once, but it never happens. I just want to get everyone in one big chat room, maybe some even on the phone, and ask them what day is good for EVERYONE for them all to come over here. I [i]really have been trying[/i], but no one cooperates with me.
I've just taken a large step back in my self-therapy. It was actually working, too. I just kept telling myself that these are supposed to be the best years of my life and that I should live them to my fullest; and it was really working! It worked better than any of the psychologists I've seen...
Today Steven was acting [i]too nice[/i] to me, and I miss him again. I wasn't missing him before; probably because I hadn't seen much of him so I was blocking him from my memory. I spent most of my day with him, and I just wish I had've stayed at school...
This is why I need to move at least an hour away from Ottawa... I need to start fresh; a new life, almost. But I can't. Right now, for at least another two years, I have to suck it up and deal with it. All I want is to be happy and have it stick. I don't to be temporarilly happy, it's not worth it. I just want to feel like I'm needed by someone. I want to be loved again.
Omg, I can't stop crying... Make it stop hurting! I don't like this... I want it to end now. I'm done. Can I go home yet?
I don't think my arms and hands have ever been so sore before... Urg... I'm glad tonight is my last night with this little bugger!
Last night after I wrote my blog, the mechanical baby cried 4 more times, while I was on msn trying to have a social life, before I fell asleep at 2:30am. I would have stayed up all night and not bothered with sleep, but my dad caught me and got really pissed. I didn't see the point of sleeping if the damn baby was just gonna wake me up anyways. And guess what? He did. He woke me up at about 3am and I sat there half asleep with the key in its back for about 20 minutes before he finally calmed down. *shakes fist*. Then he woke me up again at about 4:30am. This time for only 7 minutes. I woke up at about 7am, and about ten minutes later Jason started crying again just as I was about to walk out the door.
My mom drove me to school; and all my friends were at the entrance I always come in. I go in the side door by the front office, and there's everyone sorting out the roses. Every year on either Valentines Day or the last day before Valentines Day (we have a PD day tomorrow) roses are delivered in homeroom to whomever had one purchased for them. I got 2; one from Chris and one from Steven. *hugs Chris and Steven* Thank you, guys! Love ya! *muah!* It was funny - only one other person got a rose in my homeroom, so I was just like "Oh ya, look at me, I'm popular and you all SUCK ASS!" ...I didn't actually say that.
Jade managed to get herself, Kelsey and Erika a ride to the Civic Hospital; so Steven and I were left to take a bus. We missed the 111 by about 3 minutes, and ended up waiting 20 for the next one. So we get to Lincoln Fields bus station, and we're supposed to take an 85. But the only 85 stop we could find was going in the wrong way. We wandered up and down Lincoln Fields about 3 times (all the while i'm carrying Jason - the damn heavy bastard!) before we decided to ask the lady at the counter. Yeesh. It was all the way on the other end, the ONE place we DIDN'T think to look! I don't remember if Jason cried on the 111 or the 85 - but he cried on the way there. I think it was the 85.
We were supposed to meet everyone at the Civic at 9:00am. We got there at 9:40. Jeez! We managed to find them in the lecture room thingie, and we sat down at the back and jumped in. They were showing videos and pictures of car accidents. It was quite disturbing. Not what I expected; I thought it would be about child birth and what-not, considering we went for Parenting class... Oh well.
They then led us down a few halls and into an emergency room. They showed us a few of the tools they use on crash patients and I started to feel faint and nauseous. If I had've eaten this morning, I can guarentee I would have thrown up then and there. Jason cried for a bit, and everyone laughed at me because it was so unexpected. So the nurses were showing us the tubes they threaded down through their nose and into their stomachs...... Even just thinking about it now makes me want to throw up. Ya, I've actually had a tube down my nose; and if you've ever had one, you can understand why I feel so sick.
It was then they decided to take us to the Intensive Care Unit to show us real trama patients. I [i]refused[/i] to go in. Steven stayed behind with me, partly to keep me company, partly because he's sick and didn't want to infect the patients. They gave us pizza for lunch after that. URGH! I felt even more sick than ever before! about 60 students filling their faces with greasy pizza and meat, drinking pop that slowly eats the inside of your stomach, all the while I can't forget the feeling of the tube in my nose... I'll stop talking about that now.
After lunch they talked to us about head and spinal injuries. It was quite boring and I was incredibly tired because I hardly got any sleep last night. I ended up leaning on Steven's shoulder and drifted in and out of sleep.
I don't care much for the "new" Steven, I've really missed the "old" him; if that makes any sense. The one that used to care, or at least [i]showed me[/i] he cared. I saw him today. He sat beside me at the back of the room during the presentations, even though I could tell that he would much rather have sat with Jade and Josh. I know I sound crazy, but Steven has changed a lot, and I don't like him this way. That's why I didn't mind him today; he was acting like he used to. I don't know what I'm saying anymore, don't mind me... ^^'
Jason started crying when we were moving from the lecture room thingie to the physio room where they demonstrated the different exercizes they put their patients through after accidents. It was depressing! I started thinking about my grandmother, and how she was paralized from the chin down; not because of an accident, but because she had MS. It just got to me; I never really stopped to think how hard her life must have been...
We went back to the lecture room where a man in a wheel chair talked about his life and showed us pictures of his family. I wanted so badly to pay attention, but I couldn't hold my eyes open for the life of me. I fell asleep and woke up when everyone started clapping after he was done talking. I felt so bad - I hope he didn't see me!
I'm eating chocolate I got on Christmas. It's old.
...I dont know why I said that. Ignore me. ANYWAYS! lol! Just before I left I found Steven to give him back his rose (I was carrying his as well as mine in my diaper bag). I just gave him my two as well because I was going to be taking the bus alone and it would have been too much to carry on my own. Besides, I don't have anything to put them in. *shrugs*.
I caught the 85 (Jason cried on it) and found Kelsey and Erika on it. I didn't notice they were on it until we got off at Lincoln Fields and we all took the 111 together. Erika is a little too open and was talking about how she thought she either wet her pants or has her period. ^^'! All I could say was "well, maybe you just had a [i]REALLY[/i] fun day...?" Kelsey smacked me for that one. XD Then Erika proceeded to talk about how she needed to go pee. She's the kind of person you have to be in a good mood to handle; luckilly, I wasn't in a horrible mood at the time and I found it funny.
Jason started to cry as I was writing the end of that paragraph. Mmmm... Chocolate...
Apparently something happened at school today that really upset Andrew; but no one will tell me what happened. I'm worried about him... I called him as soon as I found out he was upset, but he told me to ask someone else what happened and hung up. So no one's talking to me! Yeesh, all I do is care and I get shut out. What a world...
So, to sum up my day... My arms are sore, I'm about to pass out from being so tired, Jason didn't stop crying, and I felt very, VERY sick. Hm... This chocolate is the first thing I ate today... That can't be good for me...
[u]edit:[/u] each day my blogs get slightly longer...
Dude - I found some random person who had a survey in her blog, so I yoinked it from her. A lot of the questions were the same as the last survey I filled out, so I just snipped out those ones and kept the new stuff. lol! XD I love these things! hehe!
DO... : x : you have a crush on someone = i honestly have no freakin' clue what i'm feeling right now : x : you wish you could live somewhere else = yes, i wish i lived on the other side of the freakin' country! : x : you think about suicide = i think about it, but i dont consider it an option anymore : x : you believe in online dating = it's too dangerous for me to try, but i wont try and stop someone else from doing it : x : others find you attractive = i dunno, ask these "others" : x : you want more piercings = i nearly pierced my own lip today with a nail just because i was bored... so... ya! : x : you like cleaning = HELL NO!!! : x : you like roller coasters = i love 'em just as long as i dont throw up after them (it's been known to happen) : x : you write in cursive or print = a strange loopy mix of both of them, actually
FOR OR AGAINST... : x : long distance relationships = it's worth a shot if it's your last option : x : using someone = it really depends on the situation : x : suicide = i'm very much against suicide for personal reasons : x : killing people = murder, no; death sentance, yes. : x : teenage smoking = i'm a hypocrite, i'm against it. but that's because i know it's stupid from experience : x : driving drunk = now what kind of an idiot would be FOR drinking and driving??? honestly! : x : soap operas = they are soooo retarded, its like "i'm sorry, the baby isnt yours. i've been cheating on you with my long-lost brother. i found him when he saved the little children from the burning school. And according to these documents you're my cousin, but only because you were adopted and taken away from your alien parents. now, i have to go talk to my psychic advisor because she's going to tell me just how i'm going to die and when cory is going to get out of his coma! i'll call you later, bye!" urg...
HAVE YOU... : x : ever cried over a girl = depends on what you mean by that : x : ever cried over a boy = now what a stupid question... : x : ever lied to someone = who hasnt? : x : ever been in a fist fight = um... do i have to answer this? ^^' : x : ever been arrested = um... not yet! XD
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE... : x : pretty – depends on my mood : x : funny – i guess : x : hot – i'm actually kind of cold right now... XP : x : friendly – if i feel like it : x : amusing – i guess if you want to call it that : x : ugly – i only think it because its true : x : loveable – HA! ME??? you're kidding, right? : x : caring – a little too much sometimes : x : sweet – that word does not appear to be in my dictionary. : x : dorky – define "dorky"
I'm about to chuck this baby down a flight of stairs...
I am so freakin stressed, you have no idea! Well, maybe you do - I don't know. Today was the first day Jade and I got our mechanical babies. The school only has two, so only two people can have them at a time.
Today just happened to be the day when we get our option sheets to fill in for our courses next year (gaah! I can't believe I'm going to be in grade 12 next year! It's gone by so fast...). Now, each year they set up booths in the gym for the different courses we can take and we go down one grade at a time and ask people questions and what-not. So Mr.L (our parenting teacher) asked Jade and I if we could go down to the gym and be representatives for the parenting course in the booth they had set up since we had the babies that day! Jackpot! We were there all morning talking.
Mrs.Wright (the foods / family studies teacher) loves us both so much as it is, and when she found out that [i]we[/i] were helping with the foods / family studies / independant living / parenting booth area... she was thrilled! We mentioned that we were thirsty and she was just like "Oh, well I'll get you two some bottles of water then! I bet you're hungry, too - how about some muffins?"! She's too nice! I don't know why everyone complains about her...
So the grade 9's came down first - which was cool because I have tons of friends in grade 9, thanks to my lil' sister. hehe! Steph and her little friends (mostly Krystal and Julie) hung around the booth with Jade and I. Katie (Andrew's little sister) would randomly pop by every few minutes to say hi. The grade 10's all hate me, so it was fun seeing their faces when they noticed I was in the booth awaiting their questions. Muahahaha! I managed to scare a lot of kids out of ever having sex; so I feel like I've made the world a better place by preventing those idiots from procreating. *dances*
During the third and last period of the morning was the grade 11's turn to come down to the gym to see the booths. We had to leave temporarilly to watch a presentation on what to keep in mind when choosing your courses, and to actually get the option sheet. I rushed back to the booth before the others could get in. Laura would wander by every few minutes or so and talk to us; which was great because I haven't really seen much of her lately. Andrew decided to sit in the booth with us as well and played peeka-boo with my mechanical baby. I had to remind him a few times that it wasn't real, but he was having too much fun to listen to me. Jade thought it was friggin adorable and would go into giggle fests whenever he spoke in baby-talk.
I got really lucky, because my baby didn't cry once during the morning; even though his setting is on "cranky". We had to draw out which setting they would be; "cranky", "normal" and "easy". Jade got "easy". *shakes fist*. Oh well, Mr.L said that they need 2 hours of care for each 24 hour period; so my baby cries often, it's for short periods of time, while hers cries less commonly, but for a looooooong time. LOL! I think I'd prefer the "cranky" over "easy". It seems to be working for me.
You have this key attached to your wrist at all times, and when the baby cries, you put the key in its back and turn it and it stops. You have to hold the key in there until it coos and laughs slightly, and then you know it's happy and you can safely remove the key. Haha, the first time I heard it cry I nearly had a heart attack - I didn't think it would be so loud!
So lunch rolls around and I finally get to look at my option sheet and see what courses I can take for my FINAL year of high school (*gasps*). I check off two boxes, and my baby starts crying. Niiiiiiice timing, there Jason... Ya, I named him Jason; after the baby from the movie [i]Riding in Cars with Boys[/i]. I love that movie! Anyways; it takes about 10 minutes, but he finally calms down and I can take the key out. I pick up the option sheet again, check off another two boxes... and guess what? FIRE ALARM! We evacuate the building to the freezing cold climate of Canada's winter. I gave my sweater to Julie, Steph's friend, because she was just in a t-shirt and I was boiling from being around so many people all morning.
By the time we got back inside, lunch had ended and I had to go to my first class of the day. Bio. Urrrrrg. Ironically, Jade is in my Bio class, so at least I wasn't alone. Mr.Gibson didn't mind that Jade and I weren't going to work that class, so I figure "what a perfect time to start looking at what classes I can take next year!". I pull out my option sheet. This time he only gave me enough time to check off one box before he started [i]CRYING AGAIN[/i]!!! The entire class found it very amusing. Hell, I would too if it weren't my responsibility!
I had Careers next. What a waste of time that class is! Staci and I just talked all the way through it, and Jason managed to keep his mouth shut. Probably because I wasn't doing anything important that needed inturrupting. *sighs* So then I had drama; the first time I got to relax since lunch. We're still watching Guys and Dolls. Dreadful movie, that is. Even Mr.Mo wanted to fast-forward the songs!
So my mom meets Steph and I out in front of the school to drive us home, but decides that she wants to get everyone Subway. Great; I hate Subway. Mainly because I don't eat meat, and what's the point of having a sub if there's not at least veggie meat in it? I really didn't care, though; she ended up getting me soup. We drive home and start eating. Just as I'm about half way through my bowl of soup, guess who decides to cry again? ...No, not Steph. Jason! My mom found it all too funny. After he was satisfied, I lay down and watched some comedy. I needed a good laugh; too bad the comedians weren't that great today. Oh well.
So now, here I am, adding to my blog. I need to write a journal for each day I have the mechanical baby, so I'm thinking I'll just copy and paste parts of my blogs for today and tomorrow and print it off for Mr.L. He doesn't have to know... *shifty eyes* hehe! I should either turn my TV so it's facing me, or listen to some music... Either way, I'm gonna stop writing now. Besides, my kitty is meowing to get in my room. hehe!
[b](This is my second time writing this blog because my internet crapped out on me and closed the window before I could post it! *screams*)[/b]
Mal came to school today! Yaaay! I really missed her; I hadn't seen her since friday morning, when she was saying goodbye to Kayla before we went to Montreal. I'm glad she's not mad at everyone anymore!
Nothing interesting happened in my classes today; but when does anything interesting happen in them anyways? Well, I'm going to be getting that mechanical baby tomorrow - that should prove to be interesting to say in the least. Usually something funny or entertaining happens at lunch, but not so much today. I just did my math homework during it; ya, I got addicted to my math again. No joke, I love math! Oh, Andrew commented on how my reading glasses turn him on. *nods* lol!
Speaking of guys hitting on me... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good times... After lunch I had Photography, but it was a studio period, so I was basically allowed to do whatever the hell I wanted; and I wanted to hang out in the basement with Andrew, Chris, Geoff and Colin. Apparently there was a group of people putting on a bunch of skits for Meadowlands PS (my old elementary school), so there were a bunch of little kids in the basement hallway waiting to be let into the drama room. So the 5 of us started thinking about what we could do to emotionally scar these fragile children. Andrew and Geoff played the "penis" game while Geoff and Chris kissed for a good 10 seconds. You should have seen their faces! It was bad, too, because I knew a few of the kids; one of them even lives in my neighbourhood! I think I'll be having an interesting conversation with Mullet-Boy when I see him next... hehehe... So after they were done with the first stage of emotional scarring, they moved on to a game called "lets rape Sarah!" ...ya. Colin didn't participate, though. Which I'm glad he didn't, because if he did I'd have to rip off his balls since he's seeing one of my best friends. Well, wait, Geoff has a girlfriend... Eh, well, I don't know her; and it's not like it was serious or anything! ^^' ([i]little voice in head: 'yes, Sarah, whatever makes you feel better...'[/i]).
So ya, I think I still have a thing for Andrew. Surprised? No? Neither am I, to be honest. But I don't know if we should try going out again or not. I kinda like the position we're in now. We flirt, and I'm still able to check out / flirt with other guys, and not have to worry about hurting anyone or being hurt myself. Being single isn't half bad... hehe!
(Back to my day...) Just after school ended I finally got to talk to Naomi again. It's been a while. She's planning another co-ed sleepover movie party at Braden's house. It's to celebrate her first finished University interview (ya, that group finds any reason to throw a co-ed sleepover - but hey, they're fun!). I've missed spending time with them. Especially Tom; he was my best friend in late grade 9 and early grade 10. He was the one who introduced me to Steven, actually. I didn't realise until just now how much I've missed hanging out with him; I've been so absorbed with my "new group" that I totally forgot to hang out with them at lunch some time. Maybe I will tomorrow. I really don't want to drift away from him; he was such a huge help to me in grade 9!
My mom did a very evil thing for me... She set up 4 pictures of my dad when he was younger (one at age 11, one at 14, another at 16 and one at about 18). It was quite frightening. I walk into the room and I think "since when do I have all of these mirrors?" haha, well, not really... But I swear, I'm the female version of him! It's quite spooky. I scanned the pic of him at 16 (because I'm 16 now) so I can freak out my friends (the reactions so far are priceless XD). Now I understand why everyone on my dads side of the family in BC were obsessing about how much I look like him when we were there just this past summer!
Ah... My day today... Um... lol! I don't remember much... Well, considering the day isn't over, I don't know why I'm writing now. *shrugs* Oh well.
Ooh, last night I lay out a plan for after graduation. Haha, yes, another one. I make a new one every month. No joke - I'm never thinking about now; my head is either stuck in the past or the future. Yes, so [i]this month[/i] I'm going to go to Algonquin for Accounting (that much has stayed the same for about a year) but after that I'm going to move to Vancouver with my friend Geoff. *nods*. Well, I don't know how likely that is to happen, but I do know that I feel trapped in Ottawa and I want to get away and start new...
Urgh - all of my friends are fighting / resolving fights, and it's all my fault! Seriously! If I hadn't of made that entry about feeling left out, Chris wouldn't have commented, and Colin wouldn't have gotten super pissed, then Andrew wouldn't have either... And Mal probably wouldn't have disowned all of her friends then had to make a giant appology entry... *sighs* I feel so bad...
I know this may sound selfish, but i'm [i]glad[/i] that Chris wrote what he did, because it really did help me feel better. I know it hurt someone else in the process... And I feel sorry for Colin, but... I dunno. All I do know is that what he said helped me. No one seems to care or notice WHY Chris said what he did, ignoring his comments about Colin. No one seems to care that I was really, really hurt. Again, I get brushed over. And yet, the world still goes 'round... *sighs*
Oh, and to top everything off - Jade's mad at everyone now. Joy - just what our group needs. More people fighting! Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we just resolve a fight? ^^' Oh, we're already falling appart...
Back to my day today... Let's see what happened, shall we? Um... Oh, in History / my homeroom class, we got an outline of all the credits we have so far. I won't be able to have any spares, like, ever; and if I do go through with dropping Bio, or if I just fail it, I'll have to take summer school... Arg.
English... Nothing. Parenting... Haha, I'm gonna be getting the mechanical baby for the 11th and 12th; and on the 12th we have a Parenting field trip to the Civic Hospital. That could prove to be interesting. And in Drama class, we're watching the most horrible movie in the world - Guys and Dolls. *kills*. Photography and Bio... Boring. Nothing happened. So ya, that was my day.
Wow, with all this shittiness in my day / weekend / life, I managed to stay positive today. I'm actually happy right now; even if I did just finish arguing with Jade. Does that make me a bad person? Should I be upset along with everyone else? Oy... Ya, I'm not used to being happy, so I don't know what's right or not. Haha!
Hm... I just had a brief intelligent moment. Probably the last one I'll have for months, too. lol. I was replying to Kayla's (blacknaiad's) blog, and decided that I should share it with everyone by posting it in my blog.
[b]"probably the best advice given to me would be "dont go looking for love, or you'll only dissapoint yourself. let love come to you." we shouldnt stress so much - we're only teenagers in high school. we have the rest of our lives to find "the one". right now we should just have fun and be care-free. i know that's a lot easier said than done... but it's true; you just have to believe it is. *hugs*"[/b]
Teenagers are always crying about this or that, and never see past tomorrow. We have a lifetime to make up for our mistakes. Why dwell on them? These are supposed to be the [i]best years of our lives[/i]; why cry over spilt milk?
We have to learn to move on with our lives and go out and learn something new... That's all relationships are, really - learning experiences. I know I've learned a lot from Steven, but now it's time to move on and use the knowledge I've gained for future relationships.
Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while adults might just accept that, I know something's gotta change. And it's gonna change, just as soon as I become an adult and get some power of my own.
Omg, last night was the [i]shittiest[/i] night I have had in the past while. It turns out that my ex-boyfriend (Steven) who I still love more than life itself, has a crush on one of my best friends, Jade. And to add to my already bad situation, Colin hates me because I'm "too depressed" (now, where have I heard [i]THAT[/i] before?). Thats [i]another[/i] friend off the list because of my chemical imballance!
It's like I have no friends left! Like, whenever Colin and I talk, all we do is fight now. And whenever I talk to Steven all I do is cry. And I don't know if I can bring myself to talk to Jade; even though she's really the only person making an impact when she tries to help me. I also haven't heard from Mal in a loooong time; she's never around anymore.
So with all these issues, I'll never be able to hang out with the group in the basement or go over to Andrews house after school. Oh, what the hell? They never wanted me there in the first place anyways... I was so upset last night that I took a pair of scissors and tried to carve an X into the top of my lower arm (just out of sight when I wear my sweater). It didn't really work because the scissors weren't that sharp - but it's still red right now. I may just try again, but with a knife this time. (Scissors were all I could manage without my parents noticing.)
Also, you know what I realised last night? I don't care if Steven fucks up his life anymore. I just don't. If he doesn't care about himself, why should I care about him? I spent too long wasting my time worrying about him that it just doesn't matter to me anymore. I've gone numb to his problems. Don't sleep, be depressed, skip classes, smoke, drink, get high - whatever makes you "happy", Steven. I DONT CARE!!!
(Sorry if I've been bugging you all by writing [i]too[/i] many blogs, but I have a lot to say...)
Today was a very, [i]very[/i] looooooong and boring day...
I woke up around noon, and I was in an okay kind of mood, but I wanted to do something with my friends; so I went online in hopes of seeing someone there that I could ask to come over. No one was there. So I decided to read blogs, and I found Steven's; and he said something about going bowling today (that's when I wrote the below entry). So... my day didn't start off too nicely.
When I get angry or stressed, I need a cig. Lucky for Kayla, my dad stole my lighter. I figured it was for the best anyways, because I haven't smoked in a while and I really don't want to start up again. So instead, I took a very short walk with my camera. That didn't help, because lately I've been taking pictures of my friends, and I just thought to myself "this roll isn't supposed to be of my field again... I need my friends." Ya, I had a really lonely day. :cry:
So I came back inside, and decided to watch a movie. I dug through my dad's collection, and decided upon watching Life of Brian ("he's [i]not[/i] the messiah, he's just a very naughty boy!"). I killed most of my day by watching TV after that... *sighs*
After getting bored with TV, I finally got around to cropping pictures from old calandars and framing them. I haven't hung them up yet, but I'll do that probably later tonight. As for now, I need to calm myself down (ya, I'm still pissed) so I'm going to take a shower...
cant help but feel just a *little* bit left out...
This is so annoying. It's like I'm not even their friends! They never tell me anything!
Like on Thursday, no one told me everyone was going over to Andrews house until after everyone had gone home. It's like they're avoiding me because they hate spending time with me or something... URGH!!! Probably the only reason I was ever invited in the first place was because I was going out with Andrew at the time.
And today, they're all going bowling, and no one said a word; I found out from reading my friends Blog! I mean, I hate bowling, but if they had of asked, I probably would have gone just to watch and hang out with them, because I really do like spending time with them. I guess they just don't like spending time with me... I feel so rejected!
If they don't want to hang out with me, they could at [i]least[/i] have the guts to come and say it to my face. Then I'll know to fuck off and leave them the hell alone. Infact, I might just anyways. I'll just go back to being little-loner-Sarah, like I was in elementary and middle school... That sounds like a plan.
dude, i've seen people fill in survey's in livejournals and what-not, so i'm gonna post one up now. go me! (fill it out and post it in your blog, too!)
I n f o r m a t i o n 1. name: Sarah Anne K. 2. single or taken: single 3. sex: female 4. birthday: Dec.01, '87 (sagittarius) 6. siblings: 1 sister 7. hair color: 3 colours... dyed red, then black underneath, and my brown roots are growing in 8. eye color: blue 9. shoe size: 8-10 10. height: 6 feet
r e l a t i o n s h i p s 1. who are your best friends?: Steven, Mal, Jade, Kayla, Andrew, Chris, Colin, Allen, Steph, Tom, Kelsey, etc. 2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: noooope
f a s h i o n | s t u f f 1. where is your favorite place to shop: control wear 2. any tattoos or piercings: my ears 3 times each, and my eyebrow's pierced
s p e c i f i c s 1. do you do drugs?: never 2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: dove 3. what are you most scared of?: dying alone 5. who is the last person that called you?: no one has called me in about a month... but i called Andrew last 6. where do you want to get married?: on top of a mountain 7. how many buddies are online right now?: 9 8. what would you change about yourself?: i'd get rid of my depression once and for all!
f a v o r i t e s 1. color: red 2. food: anything mexican (replace the meat with veggie-meat, though) 3. boys names: Nathan and Tyson 4. girls names: Carmen and Fay 5. subjects in school: parenting, photography and drama 6. animals: wolf, snow leopard, mice 7. sports: badminton and swimming
h a v e | y o u | e v e r 1. given anyone a bath?: cant say that i have... 2. smoked?: occasionally 3. bungee jumped?: NO FRIGGIN WAY!!! 4. made yourself throw up?: i kinda had to... 5. skinny dipped?: there's still time 6: ever been in love?: i believe so 7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: hahaha, ya 8. pictured your crush naked?: mmmaybe... 9. actually seen your crush naked?: mmmaybe... 10. cried when someone died?: only someone heartless wouldn't 11. lied: who hasnt? 12. fallen for your best friend?: yes 13. been rejected?: yup 14. rejected someone?: yup 15. used someone?: um... not in a relationship... ^^' 16. done something you regret?: everyone does
c u r r e n t clothes: jeans and my all american rejects t-shirt music: marilyn manson make-up: i never wear the shit annoyance: my life smell: pizza crust... favorite group: finger eleven desktop picture: a snow leopard on a cliff during a blizzard book youre reading: Time Enough for Love cd in player: um... marilyn manson...? dvd in player: Riding in Cars with Boys color of toenails: i hardly ever paint my toes
l a s t | p e r s o n you touched: my mom hugged: Kayla you imed: Steven you yelled at: probably my parents - i dont remember you kissed: technically, Andrew kissed me... ^^'
a r e | y o u understanding: i try open-minded: yup arrogant: i can be insecure: incredibly interesting: well, that's up to you to judge random: hahaha! a little *too* random! hungry: i'm never hungry smart: in some things moody: oh gawd hard working: if i properly motivate myself, yes organized: hell no! healthy: i'm probably the most unhealthy person in Canada... shy: i can be difficult: incredibly attractive: according to me, no - according to everyone else, yes. bored easily: yuuuuup (hence, i'm filling this out and posting it for a bunch of strangers to read) messy: *looks around room* not at the moment responsible: if i need to be obsessed: usually angry: ...i'm getting better!
w h o | d o | y o u | w a n n a kill: i dont have the urge to murder right now... slap: Colin... (you could have worded it nicer, asshole!) get really wasted with: getting wasted does not appeal to me look like: anyone but myself talk to offline: Steven or Andrew (Erica hung up while we were talking!) talk to online: anyone... no one's saying anything to me!
r a n d o m in the morning i am: bitchy all i need is: someone to care love is: painful i dream about: people i care about
o p p o s i t e | s e x what do you notice first: smile last person you slow danced with: um... if you count the time in my bedroom with Steven... worst question to ask: i dunno... makes you laugh the most: Andrew, Chris and Geoff when they're all together makes you smile: Steven who do you have a crush on: ...Steven *sighs* who has a crush on you: guys would rather scrape out their eyeballs with forks than go near me
d o | y o u | e v e r sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: usually, ya save conversations: only if they made me cry (in a good way) or if they made me piss myself laughing (not literally) wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: all the time wish you were younger: na, i like being 16 cried because someone said something to you?: oy...
N u m b e r of times i have had my heart broken: in the sense of been dumped, 1 of hearts i have broken: in the sense of dumping someone, 1 of guys ive kissed: 2 of girls ive kissed: 4 of continents i have lived in: 1 of tight friends: 5? of cds i own: around 25? of scars on my body: i think i lost track after 12...
F i n a l | q u e s t i o n s 1. do you like fillings these out?: when i have nothing else to do, ya 5. gold or silver: silver 6. what was the last film you saw at the movies?: oh jez... pirates of the carribean! 7. favorite cartoon/anime? the simpsons 8. what did you have for breakfast this morning? i dont eat breakfast 10. who would you love being locked in a room with? i dunno... someone entertainting who wouldnt drive me insane? 11. could you live without your computer? NO!!! 12. would you color your hair? it is currently coloured 13. could you ever get off the computer? um... if i'm kicked off... 14. habla espanol? um... no? 15. how many people are on your buddy list? over 40 16. drink alcohol? not anymore
Omg, I can't believe I almost faked sick to not go to Montreal! It was sooooo much fun! Yaaaay, thank you Kayla for making me go! *glomps*
It takes about 2 hours (normally) to go from Ottawa to Montreal, and we got there on schedule. They played Mr.Deeds on the way there, which was great, because I'd never seen it before. When we got there, we were told to spend a couple hours in the museum before we could go shopping; so we (meaning Kayla, Ryan, Davina, Meagan, Sara and I) killed the time by looking at really scary displays, jumping in the elevators ( :twisted: ) and eating lunch in the caf.
Since we ate during the time we were supposed to be looking around, we were able to use the time given for lunch to get a head-start. I didn't have anything in mind to buy there, I kinda just went with the flow. We went into a lot of clothes stores (poor Ryan!), and I got this REALLY cute shirt with a pig on it and it says "Please don't eat me... I love you" - and I'm a vegetarian, so it was perfect. Kayla got a shirt with Mr.Sparkle on it! Ryan and I managed to talk her into buying it. lol!
Gaah, getting back to the busses was absolute hell! When we were shopping, it was only powder snow falling; but as soon as we said the words "we're lost" *WOOSH* [i]that's[/i] when the storm that we were expecting decided to blow in! The map they gave us was so bad, the street that we were on wasn't even labeled! We called one of the teacher's cell phones and asked her to help us get back...
Getting back home took a lot longer (4 hours), because of rush-hour in the snow... It was fun, though, because that just meant we'd spend more time on the bus talking. I [i]love[/i] road trips! Sometimes they're more fun than actually arriving... hehe. Kayla and I managed to yoink Erica's cell phone for a while to call people - she talked to Chris, while I talked to Andrew. Erica got mad at me because Kayla only took 30 seconds to talk to him, while I took 4 minutes... haha, she thinks I'm gonna pay for those minutes! :wink:
Ooh, my first "blog". I should have done this earlier. I've had a lot of stuff happen that I could have written about! Well, better late than never, eh?
Mkay... I boke up with Andrew (my boyfriend of FOUR FREAKIN' DAYS) today. Urg. It was too strange between us. We were friends before, and being "together" was just too weird of an adjustment to make. Besides, I still love Steven (my previous b/f of one year)... I'm so pitiful! I can't seem to get over him! *bangs head on wall*
I just keep remembering little things that Steven and I did together... I know I shouldn't, but I cant help it. Everyone kept saying how we were the "perfect couple" (they're still saying it, actually). I don't know what changed so drastically. And he won't even talk to anyone anymore. It's like we never even happened to him. It hurts. *slaps self* That's enough about that.
Today I had a field trip to the NAC. Oooh boy. We went and saw a one-act show on MacBeth, only with Simpsons characters. It was quite... odd. I don't know if I liked it or not, I was too busy thinking about what the hell I want from life. The entire time I was just like "what if I snuck out and just jumped off of the roof...?" (No, I would never actually do it, I was just thinking "What if?"). But, from what I gathered from everyone laughing around me, it was quite funny.
Tomorrow I'm going on another field trip; this time to Montreal. It should be fun. I dunno... I just wish I was looking forward to it more...
About Me:
Name: Sarah
DOB: Dec.01,'87 (16)
Location: Ottawa, ON
Likes: music, The Simpsons, That 70's Show, Stephen King, Tim Burton, horror movies, comedy, playing video / computer games, Monty Python, mexican food, iced tea, drawing, shopping, hanging out, swimming (alone), photography, acting, driving, and my friends and family ^^
Dislikes: assholes, whores, rap, musicals, when things break, liars, people who judge others before they get to know them, killing animals for food, working too hard... (thats all I can think of right now)
